Acceptance & Closure--this is a long one
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| Fri, 10-29-2004 - 3:25am |
For some reason, although I've been busier than usual, I've been thinking of my ex a LOT lately. I've been feeling really nostalgic...I've been rehashing our relationship over & over again in my mind. I've been remembering all the good we once shared together...all the parts of him that I loved...all the time we spent talking about everything & anything. I thought about how it all started...how much we grew over time...how it ended.
It's been really difficult for me to let go and finally find closure. I guess maybe this is because I never got a chance to talk it all over with him. We ended on horrible terms...and we still haven't discussed what happened. That bothered me so much...I hated knowing that we were upset with each other. But I've come to realize that we will never talk about it. And that's alright...because I've learned that the only way to get closure is within myself.
We officially broke up on May 8th, 2004. But we had been fighting for awhile before that...and he had met someone else (she's now his girlfriend) on May 5th. I'm not sure when our relationship really started to go downhill...maybe it began when I didn't come to visit at Christmas like I had promised (we were long-distance in case you haven't read my other posts). Maybe it got worse when I didn't come on Valentine's Day. Maybe it was during the inbetween times, when he was cheating and getting with other girls...then lying to me and saying that he had never cheated and never would. Maybe it started when he began to go out and party more. Maybe it was never real at all...
We never saw each other (well, other than our initial meeting of course). That was the main problem. I built up this fantasy image of him in my mind...I thought he was perfect. I had him on such a high pedestal because I never had to witness any of the bad side of him. Honestly, our relationship consisted of just talking online or on the phone. We both managed to keep our less appealing sides pretty well hidden. I had no idea he was seeing other girls...he had no idea that I was too afraid to come see him. I always promised that I would, but I never did (although he never came to see me either)...I was afraid of the fantasy dying. We talked all day, every day...we grew to be very dependent upon each other. Sure, we fought...sure, we had problems...but I still felt SO close and intimate with him. I felt that even though we never saw each other, I still somehow knew the real him and vice versa. We always had such a strong connection...
When we broke up, he started seeing the other girl right away. But I was devastated about losing him and tried to get him back. For awhile, he encouraged it...he kept telling me that he still loved me, still wanted to be with me someday, that he wasn't sure about her, and that he'd cheat on her with me...but it was just "easier" right now to be with her. I put up with this for a long time...I let him keep me on the back burner. Up until the very last day (the day we got into our big fight), he was telling me all of this BS. But then we fought and we both got really angry...he then revealed all sorts of unattractive things about himself--the cheating, lying side of him...the person who did drugs and partied all the time. I was so hurt and confused...I didn't know what to think anymore. And he was upset with me for never coming to visit and for keeping some things hidden about my life (that I revealed to him at the same time).
He wasn't who I thought he was...and I wasn't exactly who he thought I was either. We both acted shady...we both handled the situation poorly. But he is a very manipulative person...he made me feel extremely guilty for lying and told me that I had to "redeem myself" to him in order for us to ever be friends. Of course, it didn't matter that he had made mistakes as well...he expected me to put in all of the effort. He said that if I really cared about him, I would prove it.
I'm ashamed to say that I fell for this...I felt HORRIBLE about what I had done/not done to him. I wrote him a million e-mails, sent him a million text messages, IM's, and called him several times. I definitely let him know how sorry I was and how much I cared and still wanted to be a part of his life...I wanted him to forgive me so badly. I apologized every chance I got...yet he ignored me most of the time. Occasionally he would respond...but he would just act distant and say cruel things to me (like how his new girlfriend was "way more" than me, etc). But usually I just wouldn't get a response at all.
Then, if I didn't contact him for awhile, he would contact me. It would be just a simple message, like "just wanted to make sure you're still alive" or "let me know you're ok." I responded to these eagerly...but it would be back to the old pattern again. I would contact him...he would ignore me...I would stop trying...he would get ahold of me...etc, etc. We have only talked a total of three times since our breakup. All three times have ended badly. All three times I have ended up feeling worse. All three times I have felt awkward talking to him, as if we are strangers...when we used to talk like 8 hours a day.
Not once has he ever said anything that I'd like to hear. Not once has he apologized for his own shady behavior...sure, he's told me that he misses me and still cares. He's told me that he thinks of/is often reminded of me. But he has never said that he wants to be friends. He has never said that he wants me in his life at all, in any way shape or form. All he does is brag about how good his life is now, about his wonderful girlfriend...he even tried to send me pictures of the two of them. I told him I didn't want to see them, and he got mad! He said something like, "you could at least pretend you're interested in my life." He has shown no respect or concern for me...he doesn't ask about my life. He just gets ahold of me because he doesn't want to be forgotten...because he's been drinking...because he needs an occasional ego boost now and then.
For a long time, I let him take away my pride. I contacted him all the time, knowing that he wouldn't respond...knowing that I'd feel sh*tty...knowing that I just looked desperate and pathetic to him. He didn't truly want to hear from me--at least not for the right reasons. But then I started doing no-contact for awhile...and it definitely made me feel better. I felt a lot more in control of myself, although I did feel bad for not responding to his attempts to contact me (he sent a text and an IM). I had a lot of weak moments and finally gave into one a few weeks ago. I IM'ed him and told him that I would like to talk. He did respond but I was already asleep, and he didn't sound too eager...but then I texted him later and asked if we could talk that night. He IM'ed me and said "if you're gonna be up in a bit, maybe we can talk"...so I waited. And waited...and waited some more. Finally, I sent him one last IM that contained lyrics from a song we both used to love...and I told him to take care. That was it. He didn't respond...then he sent me an IM a few days after that. All it said was "wooooo!" I never responded...and that was it. We haven't had any contact since. I'm not sure how long it's been...I've stopped trying to keep track. Maybe that's a good sign...
It isn't that I've stopped caring. It isn't that I've stopped thinking of him. But I have stopped feeling angry. I have stopped fooling myself into thinking that we will get back together someday...or even that we can just be friends. I have stopped telling myself that he cares. I have stopped hoping that things can change. Because they won't.
He's with someone else now...he's moved on completely. Maybe he thinks of me every now and then. Maybe he does miss me at times. Maybe someday he'll regret what happened between us. But I'm not going to live my life hoping and waiting for that day to come. He wasn't right for me. I'm not right for him. But I certainly don't regret meeting him and falling in love. He was my first love...the first relationship that ever meant anything to me, even if it was long-distance and all internet/phone (well, after our first meeting). It ended badly--he'll probably always blame me...and you know what? That's fine. Because I DON'T blame myself anymore. I did what I could to show him that I'm sorry and that I care...and he showed me nothing. He doesn't care about me anymore...maybe he never did. But it doesn't matter--I cared...I learned how to truly love someone other than myself. Because of this relationship, I have learned so much about life, about myself, and about others...and for that, I am grateful to him. I can honestly say that I hope he ends up happy someday.
This chapter of my life is over....and it's time for a new one to begin. I was thinking about the past few years...and I realized that I'm much happier now than I was a year ago--even though a year ago meant that he was still in my life. I am more confident, free, and I know what I want/don't want in a relationship. I know that I am capable of loving...that I will make a wonderful girlfriend/wife to somebody someday. I know that I have many great qualities and that I should not settle for less than what I deserve. I feel happy and content with myself at last...I feel hopeful for my future :) And I feel strong...
Recently my good friend's little sister (she's 16) was diagnosed with leukemia. This was very unexpected and it made me reflect on life a lot more. LIFE IS SHORT...and you only get one. I don't want to waste mine anymore...I've spent SO much time being sad over my ex...so much time hoping for something that will never happen...so many nights crying over him. But it's not worth it anymore. I've got to start living again...for myself.
It's been a long journey...it's been a crazy, upside down rollercoaster ride. It's been almost SIX months! But I think I'm finally (almost) there...I think I've found acceptance. I've made my peace with what happened...and I've found the closure I've been seeking within myself. Because I'M what's most important...I am the person that I need to worry about and take care of before anyone else. For once I'm putting myself first. I'm moving on...and I'm not looking back anymore.
I loved, I lost...and I WILL love again. And so will everyone else on this discussion board...it really does get better with time! Eventually you will heal...just stay positive and strong :) Good luck!!!
"Letting go is being thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, made you strong. It's about all that you have, all that you had, all that you will soon gain. It's having the courage to accept change, to keep moving. It isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It's not about pride, or blocking memories. No feelings of regret or anger. Letting go is not giving up...it's accepting...learning and growing up."
"It's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all."
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
"Love makes us all a little weaker, but in the end we all turn out a little stronger."
"Maybe some people just aren’t meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It’s like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn, and that’s why they’re here... you’ll have that gift forever."
"I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself."
"I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who CAN be loved. The rest is up to them."
