can anyone help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
can anyone help?
5
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 8:38pm


Well here is my story and i'm curious if there is anyone out there who can relate at all.

My boyfriend of almost 3 years and I broke up last Feb. Yes, almost a year ago. It was a somewhat mutual break. I brought up the idea of "taking a break" and he agreed that it was a good idea. I was heartbroken that he agreed to it. I am a nurse, and he is in medical school and very busy. This was our first serious relationship for both of us. We thought it may be a good idea to see what else was out there for both of us. After this decision was made...i was crushed. I have been waiting for time to pass until we can get back together. I have held on to hope for almost a year.

I was set up with someone a few months after our break. I thought it would be a fun thing and maybe be good for me to get my mind off of my old boyfriend. turns out that i fell very hard for this guy. very, very hard. He was into me at first and then left the country and had a little affair. (he works for a travel company and is all over the world) when he came back he told me about it and that he liked me, but he thought we should be friends. I was crushed yet again.

To get me through that, i held on to that hope of getting back together with the med student. i moved out of town for a 3 month nursing assignment and we (the med student and I)talked weekly to see how each other were doing. things were good. I also had several "encounters" with the other guy. we basically had become very good friends....with benefits. so then i held on to hope with him thinking that he would forget about this other girl whom he had had a little affair with, and want me. didn't happen. so then i moved back to my home town in december(also where the med student is in school) and was hoping that we could try again. we of course had a great night, went to dinner, i slept over, things were just like old times. but he still doesn't want to try again b/c he's not sure we are meant for each other.

the problem is that neither of these guys wants me in the way that i want them. i am still in love with the medical student. i can't stop holding onto the hope that once he finishes school he will realize that he wants me back. we were good together. we had a great relationship. i regret ever bringing up the idea to "take a break" a year ago. i don't see how anything is better because of that.

the other guy (the traveler), has finally told me that he is in love with this other girl and that he is moving to europe. he wants my friendship...but it is too hard for me. so i have made the decision to cut him out of my life. so now i am left with this empty feeling that i had a year ago right after the break up with the medical student. it's like i was never able to get over him b/c i jumped into this new relationship.

the hurting is almost unbearable right now. i realize i need to move on from both of these guys. does anyone have any specific advice?


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:06pm

I feel so bad for you. I know this kind of pain...anyone who has ever loved anyone knows the pain and fear you are feeling right now....and that's right, we are all still alive to talk about it!!

I know it seems like the worst of times and like you are not really living. But I always say...DON"T TAKE ANYONE'S ADVICE!!! You will find yourself so confused and maybe holding on to something that will never allow you to move on and live your life.

Every person is different and every experience and emotion that goes with every relationship depends on those factors of the people involved, therefore if "Suzy's boyfriend came back after she waited 5 years and called him daily" doesn't mean that either of these guys will function that way. I beleive in instinct. That is something we all have and it is always trying to take us where it is in our best interest, but we don't want to listen to that because most always it is telling us what we don't want to hear.

Take some quiet time...bubble bath and really think about it and follow your gut and just see where it wants to take you. Explore that place and trust in yourself that you know what's best for you and I beleive that you will be on a road to peace....there is no getting around the saddness...it's the biggest part of healing and you should grieve, it's the biggest part of healing.

Don't set yourself up like that anymore with either one of them....don't be so available. You will gain respect from men and more important, you will have self respect because you will have less regrets.

So live your life sweetie and search into that soul of yours....trust your answers..all of the answers to your questions are right there....just look!!

I hope you feel better real soon...and hey, don't regret that taking a break thing....it sounds to me as if it was a must and was just a matter of time before he would have suggested the same thing.

Don't beat yourself up, and I hope you are back to dating and living life to the fullest real soon!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 12:28pm

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I have talked to friends about all of this but b/c i've been on such an emotional rollercoaster for almost a year now, i am afraid that I am becoming a bit of a burden on my friends. i realize that if they are real friends that they wouldn't see helping me through this hard time as a burden, but i still feel bad. therefore, posting on here is incredibly helpful b/c nobody feels obligated to come to my rescue.

It is hard to see that anyone can understand what this feels like, although i know i'm not alone. People have been telling me for almost a year now that i need to be happy being single before i'll ever really be happy again whether that is in a relationship or not. i have been in such denial of that, but know i am beginning to see the truth in that. I guess i will never be fully satisfied in a relationship until i am happy with myself and comfortable being alone. alone is such a scary word right now. it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.

I watched "When Harry Met Sally" last night. I am not sure it was a smart thing to do b/c my emotions got the better of me yet again. That hope that i might end up with one of these guys that i am so in love with and so connected to. This hope is keeping me from moving on and finding something better. but is there something better?

My advice to anyone reading this is to NEVER get involved in a friends with benefits situation. I've never felt so disappointed in myself. I have also lost any sense of self-worth or pride. It is so hard to say no when someone you love wants to be with you...even if it is for a night. We crave that...and think that one night is better than no night. right? so wrong. so not worth it.

god i'm a mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2005
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 7:15pm
The site www.breakupsurvivor.com really helped me out when i was going through a break up. It's not as depressing as the other ones out there and they have some unique advice according to how you're feeling at the time. Hope it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 8:01pm

You write: "i am still in love with the medical student. i can't stop holding onto the hope that once he finishes school he will realize that he wants me back. we were good together. we had a great relationship." and "I brought up the idea of "taking a break" and he agreed that it was a good idea."

If he thought, a year ago, that the break was a good idea, then I don't think that there is any hope that he's going to suddenly turn around and get back together with you. If you're giving him 'friends with benefits' on the hope that he'll have a movie-denouement realization moment and come running back to you, you are doing yourself a great disservice.

In your opinion, you two were good together and had a great relationship. If he felt the same way, he'd be in your life on the terms you require. He'd be making noise in that direction. He isn't. You need to take this for what it IS and not what you want it to be.

You are right--you need to move on from both of these guys. And you're going to hurt, but you still have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 10:54pm
I'm sorry you're going through this.
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