Things do get better, right?
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| Sun, 01-23-2005 - 10:51pm |
This site is always surprisingly helpful after a break-up, even for guys. It helped with my last break-up earlier this year.
My girlfriend just broke up with me a few days ago.
Quick version:
I'm 18 and in my first year of college. I met her the first week here. Then after a while she started getting extremely serious (like talk of marriage). That scared me a bit, but I really liked her and told her I'd feel better not going nearly that far for a long time. And after my last break up, I promised myself I wouldn't get too serious with a girl in college. I'd wait until I graduated and had established myself a bit. But I ended up getting dragged into it again, slowly. And eventually I started sharing her feelings and ended up even worse than last time.
And then suddenly (at least from what I could tell externally), she decided that she "didn't know who she was" in college apart from me and that we need to "be friends." She also said that she "still loves me" (whatever that means) and that she probably wants to try again after getting her bearings here.
OK, not quite quick, but as quick as I could make it.
So now I feel like sh**. I visited her house over winter break and she was in tears when I left and she went from that to needing to be alone in less than two weeks. I don't get it. And she lives down the hall from me in my dorm. Ah! I can't deal with that. I saw her for the first time tonight in the dining hall and almost started crying right there. I don't know how to be "just friends" with someone after something like that. And we did plenty of things sexually (not quite "all the way") and that definitely makes trying normal friend stuff harder.
I have a garbage can full of used kleenex now.
I know it's ridiculous to get that serious at 18, especially after only three months. I didn't try to, but it happened anyway and I inadvertently convinced myself we'd be together for a lot longer than three months.
I think it's maybe for the best anyway, since she did have a point about not meeting friends outside of the relationship and I haven't really been doing much other than being with her (though I still managed a 4.0 at UChicago), but I don't understand why things had to end completely. And I don't even know if I would want to get back together, but since she said that, the possibility has been running through my head and making it a lot harder to deal with than if I knew things were just over. I don't know what I want. That's the problem.
I've already heard plenty of things like "you're only 18, there's no reason to be that serious" etc, which, while true, don't help much at the moment.
So, I guess I'd just like to hear some stories from anyone who has gone through anything similar and about what happened later on down the line. I know things will get better and I'll probably look back on it and feel silly, but I feel horrible now, no matter what I know about it rationally, and I could use some reassurance that things do, in fact, improve.
Bah. I'll stop now. Don't blame you if you don't read all that. But thanks for letting me vent at least.
Thanks,
-Ryan
P.S. Any tips for dealing with the fact that she lives literally five doors down on the same floor? I can't possibly avoid seeing her on a rather regular basis. Bah.

Hey man,
I think that it doesn't matter how long the relationship is, or how old you are, it's about the love you feel, and the hurt over it.
If you can't avoid seeing her completely, at least try to distance yourself mentally, and don't expose yourself to prolonged contact.
It wont be easy and there's not much to be done about feeling like fecal matter, but you know, if you keep yourself busy, get good support from your friends, and things will turn out ok.
I know I'm trying to keep in mind that there is someone out there that will apprieciate me, and 'she' wasn't it if she does all this. It's rough, especially when there doesn't seem like there's a great reason for it. I'm sure everyone would put their situaton as the 'worst', but the 'I just don't think we're right for each other' and 'I need time alone' are pretty hard to wrap the ol' noggin around.
Hang in there, and be strong.
consider yourself lucky (which is a dumb thing for me to say) that it wasn't after getting married or , lets say 3 years for example (*cough cough*).
Keep in mind.
You will be fine.
Take 1 day at a time.
I don't know if that helps at all =p
L
Yeah, things do get better...
I'm still struggling with letting go of my ex, but I am in a far better position than I was when it first occurred. I feel SO much stronger and happier with myself...and I have accepted the fact that we aren't getting back together. I know I am better off without him.
Like you, I am in college and sometimes I get the impression that people think I'm silly for getting so upset over my breakup. Everyone always says, "you're young, you'll find someone new, you still have lots to experience, blahblahblah"...and in some ways, this is true. But I don't think it's fair of them to belittle my feelings just because I am only 19. I know I loved my ex, and it hurt to lose him...breakups always suck, no matter how old you are.
I'm sorry to hear about your painful situation. It sounds like you two got pretty intense fairly quickly. Maybe you two were still in the "infatuation" stage, but either way...it's obvious that you cared about her a lot. And having to see her all the time certainly can't be making you feel any better. I'm sorry that you can't really avoid that (unless you could move out of your dorm into another one?); I guess I was lucky enough to have had a long-distance relationship, so I don't have to worry about seeing my ex. I know I couldn't handle seeing him all the time, and I definitely couldn't be his friend. My heart goes out to you for that...
Things are rough at first, but they DO get easier. I'm sure you know this from previous breakups, since you said you had used this discussion board before. Yeah, there's going to be plenty of rough/weak moments...but eventually those stop occurring so frequently, or even at all. I've been having a hard time the past couple of days for some reason, but I know it'll pass. My self-esteem has grown a lot since my breakup happened...like I said, I know that I'm better off without my ex. A friend even pointed that out to me...I'm more relaxed, secure, and just happier overall. My ex was really clingy/jealous, and it's so nice being able to go out and have a good time without having to worry about him getting upset. I feel like I can finally breathe :)
You said that you weren't making many friends outside of the relationship, and I personally don't think that's a good sign. It sounds like you two were spending an unhealthy amount of time together...maybe this breakup is really a blessing in disguise. You are young, go out and have fun...live life! Meet new people and make new friends--that's what college is all about. Keep your studies up (congrats on the 4.0!) and just try to keep yourself busy. Chicago is an awesome city with tons to do--go explore!
I'm not going to deny that you will probably feel pretty bitter/angry/sad/lonely/hurt at times...that's completely normal. It doesn't help that you have to see her either--but please try to maintain as little contact as possible with her. It really helps a lot. Don't put your life on hold, waiting and hoping that she'll come back. If she does, she does...if not, you'll know it just wasn't meant to be. You deserve somebody who is confident of their feelings for you. And as times passes, you will start to realize that you are doing just fine without her in your life. You might even find (like I have) that you are actually much better off...everything happens for a reason. So good luck to you, and take care of yourself! If you ever need to vent, feel free to use this board or e-mail me through the website!
"You can't hold on to something that doesn't wanna be held on to."
"Cause if there is a reason for love, there is a reason for life beyond it."