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| Tue, 01-25-2005 - 9:19pm |
Hi, this is my first time on here but I'm going a bit crazy about a massively confusing problem that has been going on for over a year now and I really don't know what to do...
The thing is, I had a boyfriend, M, for 2 years and we lived together and were totally in love and so very close. About a year and a half in to our relationship he had to change jobs and we couldn't live together anymore, and we begun to see less and less of each other, and even when we did, it became really stressful as we were having no fun together. He was constantly irritable and moody and I spent most of the time trying to cheer him up and help him sort out work problems. Around this time I met a guy, S, who I was instantly attracted to but not seriously, just thought he was really good looking. We hit it off though and ended up seeing a lot of each other socially because his best friend had begun to go out with my housemate. My boyfriend was fine with this to start but as I became closer to S, we spent quite a bit of time together talking, just the two of us and M began to hate it. We argued a lot about it and in hindsight I know I should have been concentrating on sorting out my problems with M but thats easy to say now! everyone said all along that S had feelings for me but didn't think it was anything serious...
After knowing S for about 6 months he said that he was going to move to Australia to work, and I was totally devestated. We'd become so close that the thought of losing him really hurt and I realised at this point that I liked him a lot more than just as a friend. However, it turned out that he didn't leave, but the whole thing had made me realise that I care for him so much and totally adore him... A couple of months ago it all came to a head and I broke up with M because I was feeling so much for S. But the whole break up has devestated me because I really believed that M and I were going to get married and that what we had was very special.
Because of how M felt about me spending time with S, and because the whole time I denied to M that I felt anything other than friendship for S, I haven't been able to break it to M that infact there is more to it than that. Since we broke up, S and I have spent some time together and been seeing each other in secret but nobody knows because they'd tell M.
The problem is that because M doesn't know, he won't move on or let go, he's still trying to make us work out. Now I feel like I love him too much to have him hate me, which is what I know I deserve, but I can't bring myself to tell him. I know I have to make a decision finally and ultimately about who I want to be with because they're both holding out for me and as it stands I am having my cake and eating it because they are both trying so hard to be with me. I know this would sound like an amazing situation to be in but honestly it's horrible because I care about them both so much and I know I'm gonna have to lose one of them. I know I have to bite the bullet but making the choice is so difficult.
S and I get on so well, and have so much chemistry together, but I feel like I owe it to M to try and make it work for the sake of our history together. I keep thinking I have reached a conclusion but I keep changing my mind. I know there's the theory that if it didn't work out first time round then it probably wont again but I find it so hard to let go of the ideal that I had with M because I know, and everyone keeps telling me, that i was so lucky to have M because he treated me amazingly well and is just one of those annoyingly perfect people that everyone admires and adores.
Maybe I should just forget about them both hey because I dont think there is a way that anything good can come from this as either way somebody is gonna hurt. I'm scared of cutting M out of my life and resenting S if it doesn't work out. I know that S and I get on amazingly and he is without a doubt one of the closest people to me in my life but I just can't seem to let go of M for him which makes me think 'if i liked S so much, losing M wouldn't be an issue'....
S now says he loves me, and he totally tolerates my confusion over the subject. At times I wish he'd have not shown interest in me, and a lot of people got angry with him over it because they felt he should have stayed away from me, but I'm old enough to take responsibility for my actions and I never pushed him away... I totally adore him but ultimately I WISH so much that I felt the same way about M because when we were good, what we had was better than anything I've felt for anyone else....Is it therefore worth giving it another shot?
Any suggestions I'd be so grateful as I'm getting nowhere myself with this!Thanks for your time!

Guilt is never a good reason to stay in a relationship.
M had his chance to make things work with you and he let the ball drop.
S has been consistent in his feelings for you since the day you met him.
Going back and trying to resussitate a dead relationship out of a sense of guilt is not wise. Leave the past in the past. Tell M you've decided to move on, as he did when he took the job and moved out. He didn't try to take you with him and instead chose to be irritable and moody with you.
S sounds like he genuinely wants to be with you--and if there is less stress in your dealings with him, then that's who you should be with. Quit allowing false memories of M dictate your decision.
And never live your relationship creeping in the shadows... be out in the open and tell M it's over. And move on.
"Is it therefore worth giving it another shot?"
NO. You answered yourself why the answer is no. Here's why:
"I feel like I owe it to M to try and make it work for the sake of our history together." and "I WISH so much that I felt the same way about M ".
The answer is no because you wouldn't be working it out with M because you loved him or WANTED to be with him, you'd be doing it out of some imagined sence of obligation and duty. You don't "owe it to M". You owe him the respect of not stringing him along just so you don't look like the bad guy and hurt his ego and feelings. Keeping him hoping for reconsiliation just so you don't have to feel bad about hurting him is wrong.
As for S, "I'm scared of cutting M out of my life and resenting S if it doesn't work out"!?! Really? Are you that self centered and dishonorable that you'd resent someone else for the choices YOU made? You'd really resent S because YOU picked him over M if it didn't work out? Maybe you shouldn't be with him either, if he's coming into the relationship with you already being given the job of rebound guy tasked with making it work or else.
You know that's really helped out. You've totally hit home!
I realise I've been in this limbo because I've been scared that if I take the chance with S and completely give up with M that it won't work with S and I'll have lost them both. I didn't really mean that I'd resent S if it didn't work, but you summed it up when you said that I've given him the task of making it better than it was with M, and in that way I'll never be giving him a fair chance. I know it's wrong to compare them both and I would like to be able to look at my relationship with S as totally seperate but the way it's come about I can't.
You are right, and confirmed what I've thought for a while, which is that I actually shouldn't be with either of them. I care for S very much, but not enough to take the chance, and if I'm fair to them both that means I have to let them both go because I don't feel strongly enough for either of them.
Telling them both has been hard today but atleast I know I'm doing the right thing even if it hurts them in the short term because they're both such amazing people that they deserve to be loved and appreciated totally, in their own right.
Thanks for your help, you made a year's worth of confusion clear in just a few words!