why should i do? i am so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
why should i do? i am so confused
7
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 6:24pm
my boyfreind and i have been together 2 years. we have broke up about 4 times. we have recently broke up and we are on a break but i am not sure if this man is who i really want i really truly do love him more than anything in this world but he makes me cry so much and least not forget he is on drugs almost every day whether it be weed or speed or pills, he's reunioning his life as well as mine but i dont feel i am strong enough to live without him.
please give me direction people help me!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 10:12pm
If he is making you cry everyday and he continues to use drugs dispite the fact that he knows it upsets you....then you need to leave him....for your own happiness.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Fri, 01-28-2005 - 11:09am

You need to understand that you are confused because you are holding on to a fantasy relationship and not fully acknowledging the reality that the relationship is. Your BF is a druggy. You don't have a relationship with him, you have a relationship with the drugs.

"i really truly do love him more than anything in this world"

No, you don't. Because you aren't with HIM, you're with the drugged up him. Have you ever been with the real sober him? You FEEL like you "truly do love him", but if he's high "almost every day", you aren't in love with him, you're in love with the man you WISH he was, or the man he is on the rare occasion that he's sober.

"i dont feel i am strong enough to live without him."

Don't you see? You ARE living with out him. You're not with him because he's not with you, he's with the drugs.

It's painful. It really is a grieving process you'll have to go through. You KNOW the direction you need to go in. You've started it by this recent break up, now you need to finish it. If he can't be with you and be sober then he's choosing drugs over you. He's just not that into you, and you deserve someone who is. Go in that direction. Love is not confussing. Love doesn't hurt. Love is tears of joy, not sorrow. Love is uplifting, not down trodden. Love gets lasting high on you, not artificially momentary high on drugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 01-30-2005 - 5:01pm
thank you
its easier talking to someone you dont know
i spoke to him yesterday because i found out from friends that he was using drugs i wasnt aware of. so i confronted him and he told me to butt out i started crying i told him he was breaking my heart reunioning his life like he is he acted all strong in front of his mates but called me later in the night and was being a lot nicer. his best friend has confronted his family and his gf and told them all he needs help and wants it (he is also on drugs) they all arent addicts but they have a mild addiction if its dealt with now his gf and i know they can do it but if left later they have no hope. i told him last night about his mate talking to his family(because he didnt know) i think that if he see's one of his 'tough' mates giving it up he'l realise, he seemed shocked and said he'd call me in a day or two i think he is really thinking about it now.
he knows he's lost me for good if he continues to use drugs and seeing his mate giving up this might be and i hope to god it is the stepping stone to saying goodbye to the rubbish he takes.
i am deeply hurting i have been for 2 years and im only nineteen im so young and we used to be so in love and perfect before he started using but since then he has changed so much yelling at me i never see him always having no money cos he's wasted it, the only reason i have stuck around is because i love him and i no the real him this man he is now is not the person he truly is and i am willing to be there every step of the way to help him as long as he is serious about quitting completely!
i cant stop hurting its only been 3 weeks i know but i am so confused and hurt i just want him to stop and be the man he really is, in which he truly is a good person, sweet fun loving and sensitive and that is who i fell in love with i want him back!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 01-31-2005 - 11:10am


Girl, you are so young. You have a full life ahead of you. I know that
breakup hurts. I just broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Whom I found after
being with my drug-addicted fiannce. Believe me. You will heal. I thought
I would never find anybody after being with my alcholic-druggy ex- boyfriend.
We we're together for a year. I'm 23. And I feel so much better than being
with my ex- druggy. I found a nice guy and though, it hasn't worked out. I'm
learning that. You can be strong without a man. You don't need someone who
makes you cry or makes you feel depressed. And from what I gathered. You said
he's dating someone new? You don't need him and he's not going to give up his
addiction. Whether it's"mild" or small. you can't change nobody. They have to
want to change.

I know that you problaly do love him. I loved my ex. He sounds alot like your man.
And my ex not only did drugs, he drank and did crack and cheated on me. And all my
friends said that he had me acting different. He used me for my money and my car.
Does this sound fimilar? IMO- leave him. You can do so much better. There are many
many guys out there. Don't settle for less than the best. Get out there and date.
You'll find someone who loves you and treat you like the princess you deserve to
be. Dont' let the loser bring you down. Date.have fun. and try to stay away from
druggies. Not, only can he get in trouble for using drugs. But, what if he was
with you. ? You could also get in trouble if he has drugs on him. Have you ever
thought of that? Just be careful. and start thinking about how things really are
with him. Are you happy with him? Can u picture a future with him? A happy safe one?
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 4:49pm
hey thanks heaps
i thought that breaking up with him was the best for ME but now im not too sure i saw him yesterday and we talked... he seemed different he actually listened to my points of view on his drug doings and cared he was hurting me im not sure if maybe one of our friends have said something or he has just woke up from his dream world. he said he knows he needs me and loves me more than anything but its just not working and he wants to be friends i left and just agreed to be friends simply because i dont want to loose him completely but since that he has called me about 20 times just to see if im okay and taking care of myself he obvoiusly still cares alot for me. im thinking maybe i should just give us time and if we are meant to be he will clean up (as he has already started to do so since i told him i think he's a loser & going nowhere) and maybe we will get back together and i hope that does happen because im falling apart without him on the lonely cold nights here & cooking dinner for myself going to the beach on a hot day by myself to our beach spot its tearing me apart every day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:10pm
Ashy,
I know exactly how hard it is to be afraid to live without someone you've loved for a long time. But honey...HE'S ON DRUGS!!! He needs help, and by staying with him, your pretty much telling him it's OK to do that while you're with him. You're not stupid or pathetic for loving him, maybe you think you can get him to quit or give it up for you. But the fact is, he needs to get sober for himself first. Please find the strength somewhere, somehow to stay away until he gets clean. Spend some more time with family and close friends, find comfort in them. I would strongly suggest the help of a counselor to help you through these feelings of wanting so badly to hold on to this man who is not only a danger to himself, but to you as well. Listen to me, YOU DESERVE BETTER! I am a firm believer in the saying, "You accept the love you think you deserve" Maybe you need to get to the root of that for yourself. Take care or yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:09pm
thanks ambermary627 i am seeing a therapist actually, i started a few days after we broke up i am on anti depressants i cant get him out of my mind i love him so much it hurts, he loves me too which hurts even more i try and see my friends as much as i can but when im with them i dont want to be i just want to be alone. or even better with him, i dont understand how love can hurt so much and make someone like me who is such a loving and caring thoughtful person feel so useless and make me wonder if what im doing is wrong! When i know deep down its not and that i am not to blame for this relationship falling apart but its hard because he blames me saying i did this to us and i reunioned everything when i know for a fact i played about 0.01% in the problems in our relationship i dont understand why he blames me so much and thats what hurts the most. i am so confused what am i going to do??