First breakup ever, really need advice!!

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Registered: 02-01-2005
First breakup ever, really need advice!!
4
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 11:13am

Well, my first boyfriend (of 6 months) and I just broke up last Friday and, aside from being very hurt, I am so confused and need some help/advice/words of counsel.

We broke up, basically, because I am in love with him, he is not with me and that was putting to much of a strain on the relationship for him to handle (his guilt at "not being able to give me what I deserve"--his words--was eating him up) ...so I told him (amidst much bawling on both of our parts) to just let me go. But before we actually did breakup he said the following things: "I love you so much, but I am not in love with you," (first time the L word ever came out of his mouth to me, by the way) "I'm afraid to break up with you because it may be the biggest mistake of my life," "You're my friend...no, you're my best friend," "I want to have you in my life forever, you're so special to me," and "who knows, there may be a second chance for us down the line."

On Sunday, I spoke to him briefly (I know, I know) to just let him know that I forgive him for hurting me and that he needs to move on, be free blah blah. And he goes "I can never be completely free without you in my life" and when I wished him luck finding whatever it is he is looking for he said "I don't know that I ever will. But it may, in fact, be you. Only time will tell."

What the heck does this all mean? Of course right now I want him in my life too, I am in love with him for pete's sake, and am willing (at some point down the line) to give friendship a go. we do have some crazy connection that neither of us can deny, I love him as a friend as well as being in love with him and I want him as a part of my life too...But then, I get the feeling that he is afraid to let me go completely just in case something better doesn't come along. And I am NOT a consolation prize.

There's a bit of a back story too that makes me suspicious that this is indeed the case. When I entered the scene last summer he had just been contacted by his ex-bed buddy that he was starting to fall in love with who then dissapeared and turned up engaged (to the guy who was her bf during her tryst with my ex) a few months before I showed up, thus breaking my boys heart. Anyway, they sort of started talking again around the time that we began dating. About 3 months into our relationship she came to visit my bf and propositioned him, telling him that she would leave her fiance for him. He declined, informing her of me, but then let her go back to his place and sleep (just sleep) in his bed with him. (oh don't worry I gave him hell for that) Well, since then she has been "his friend," whilst actively pursuing him. I recently found out that this activity really picked up over the last month...with her pursuing him and he, rather than shutting her down, egging her on and flirting with her. I know for a fact they never had physical relations, but I feel like as soon as things got rough in our relationship he turned back to his ex in a "looking for greener pastures" type of thing and emotionally two-timed me with that toxic sow.

While in time I want to be his friend, under no circumstances do I want to be the girl in his pocket that he nostalgically turns to when things get rough in his next relationship. Nor do I want to be the "well I guess there really isn't anyone better than you, can I have you back please?" girl. I feel like...if he wants me, he should want me. Not be a chickensh*t and try to have his cake and eat it too.

I'm 23 (he's 26) and I feel like I've got my head on pretty straight about this. I know that I need to have no contact with him for a while (I'm taking that day by day b/c crap, it's tough) and need to give us both time to heal and sort out our feelings. But what I want to know is what on earth all those words mean? Is that just a normal part of the letting go process? Should I entertain the idea of being friends with him down the line? I'm not putting much stock in the "there may be a second chance for us" stuff, b/c that's just not healthy or productive for me but still....I want him so much...

Can anyone give me some perspective on this? Anyone who speaks the language of man to understand what on earth is going on? Please help...I'm so confused. Thanks!

Edited 2/1/2005 11:52 am ET ET by eeyore_2436




Edited 2/1/2005 11:53 am ET ET by eeyore_2436
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:07pm

Well, I certainly don't speak "man" !! lol!! but I just want to let you know I think you did the right thing. I don't necessarily think I'd end it due to the "love" issue, since it can sometimes take longer (my sister's bf told her he loved her on their one year anniversary and now they're married), BUT the whole "friend who used to be a bed buddy thing would be a HUUUGE problem for me! I'd be cool with it if I, for one second, thought they were JUST friends, but she obviously wants more and he obviously enjoys the attention. You're right. That's the same as cheating. He's betraying you.

As for being friends..sure..entertain the thought. But don't lose sleep over it at this point and don't plan to *do* anything about it for quite a long time. I'm talking like maybe in a year. By that time, who knows? You may not even WANT to be his friend or have him in your life. You may have (and hopefully) completely moved on by then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 12:31pm
Yeah, I wouldn't have ended it just b/c of the love thing either, which is why I told him to let me go (b/c I would've hung in there, waiting)...but there was really more to it than just that. He couldn't let himself fall in love with me, though I am so much of what he says he wants. Most importantly, the bed buddy thing really chaffed me b/c they definitely weren't "just friends" (though for some odd reason he thought they were) and when I asked him who he wanted he said he wasn't sure what he wanted, but he didn't want to let me go. Right. I'm just really hurting right now. All signs pointed to yes with this man...and I loved him so completely. Blah.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 2:52pm

First of all, I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing right now.

Secondly, DON'T fool yourself into believing your ex's bs. He told you all of those sweet things because he wants to keep you on his back burner in case things with his so-called "friend" or other women don't work out. You did the right thing in ending things...I'm glad you realize that you deserve better than somebody who isn't totally sure they want to be with you.

When my ex and I first broke up, we both panicked. We had been very close--a major part of each other's lives. I basically begged him to come back, and he didn't want to let go of me either--even though he had met someone else. He told me almost all of the same things that your ex told you--how he cared about and loved me, but wasn't sure he could be with me right now...that it was just "easier" to be with the other girl because she lived there (we had been long-distance). But he also said that he didn't want me to consider us "over" for good, that maybe we could work things out in the future. He even said he didn't want me dating anyone else.

I'm not going to bore you with my whole story, but we eventually got into a fight and now have no-contact. It isn't possible to be friends with an ex right after a breakup--you need time to heal, to get over them. You need to take time out for yourself and do the things that make you happy. You need to maintain no-contact!!! Believe me, I know how difficult that can be...but it really does help. Be strong and remember that it's in your best interest not to talk to him for the time being. He is just confusing you and trying to keep you interested because he doesn't want to let go of you quite yet. He wants you in his life, but only on HIS terms...and that isn't fair.

Maybe you could be friends someday, but it'll most likely be awhile before that can happen. Tell him that even though you still care about him, you are unable to be his friend at the moment and if/when you are ready in the future, you will contact him. Tell him not to contact you. It took me a few months to get to that point (and even then, it didn't work since my ex has contacted me recently)...but you CAN do it.

Good luck and take care of yourself. YOU need to be your #1 priority <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:41am
I just want to say how much I admire your spunk! (as well as your level-headedness) You're absolutely right -- you deserve to be with someone who knows you're the right person for them, not on some guy's back-burner. I dated a guy for four years and we broke up a little while ago, so I definitely understand that it's one of the hardest things to endure. Even though you really love this guy, I am of the opinion that you shouldn't wait for him to make a decision about whether or not the two of you should be together. Someone else mentioned that it seems as though your guy wants you in his life, but only of his terms, and I think they hit the nail on the head. He doesn't want to let you go completely because he "might" be making a mistake, so he's feeding you all these lines like "maybe one day"... in the hopes that if he suddenly realizes that he made a mistake you'll still be there to take him back.
My advice to you, as hard as it may seem, is to let go of him. He has baggage (his ex -- the toxic sow, as you so eloquently put it!) and he needs to figure things out for himself. But none of that is your problem, you need to do what's best for you. From one who has gone through a similarly painful experience, I think it's better if you avoid communicating/seeing him. All he can give you is false hope, and you don't need that. As difficult as cutting off communications completely with someone who is such an integral part of your life, I really think it's necessary to enable you to get over him. There will be a lot of grief and you'll need your friends and family to help you get through it. But you will get through it. It may seem like things are unresolved now, and there's probably still that lingering voice in the back of your head saying "what if"... that's understandable. Perhaps one day you will be able to be friends with him, but only after you're fully healed (and preferrably dating some hot new guy!)
You're young and there are so many guys out there. Hearts do heal, and they become stronger and wiser when they do. I wish you all the best in whatever you choose to do. Good luck, and take care of yourself.