He's Suffocating me! CAN'T BREATHE...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
He's Suffocating me! CAN'T BREATHE...
3
Tue, 02-01-2005 - 8:58pm

My boyfriend (we'll call him J) have been together for about a year and 3 months. We've had our share of problems and have ended it a few times, which mind you, only lasted about 48 hours. But it seems that lately, I have been feeling very suffocated in this relationship. He goes to school part time every morning and has a fairly long commute, so he calls me constantly, on his way to school at least twice, between classes at least twice, text messages me during class, and then calls me after class, then you guessed it, on his way home.
I asked him poilitely not to call me so much, because during the day (since I work an evening job) I like to lie low and have some alone time, Like watch TV, read one of my magazines, clean, take care of my personal business (bills etc.) and its hard to do that with my phone buzzing every 10 minutes by him. But J says he only calls because he loves me and he misses me so much. Every one I know says they should be so lucky but it makes me feel like I can't breathe and that I've gotten myself in over my head with this.
Don't get me wrong, I really love him, but every time he calls he just wants to talk about sex or have phone sex! Sometimes I think he just misses the sex and not me. So he called this afternoon, for the fifth time and I got really annoyed and told J that I didn't want to talk and that I was busy. He accused me of never wanting to talk to him and asked me if I was cheating on him (which I'm not). I told him no, for the millionth time and that I had to go. He sent me a text message about an hour later saying that we needed to talk about our relationship. I responded that with a 'yes' and he wrote back saying that we should probably take a serious break. To which I agreed again.
However, I am torn. I really do love him. J is a great guy and I have so much fun with him, I can really let loose and have fun with him sometimes and I love how driven he is to become a doctor. But we have our differences. J is a huge partier, I prefer staying in. He's an extrovert, I'm introverted. I do go out and party with him, but only once a week. He works in an ER and most of his friends there are women nurses and he has been telling them that I don't really want to talk when he calls, and they have been convincing him I've been seeing someone else. I told J first off, these women have never even met me, so they don't know what I'm about at all and that when he calls all the time it's the same stupid sexual s$*@ every time, we hardly ever have normal conversations. He says, "it's fun" (to have those conversations over and over) but I think it's gotten repetative and extremely annoying.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I think this might be the end because we have other problems too that are long and involved also but the gist is; he hates my mother because of a conversation they had over the summer and J refuses to speak to her ever again. He also refuses to let me meet his parents even though he's met my entire immediate and extended family. And he is an extreme tightwad and will RARELY pay for anything for me when we go out (which he wants to do all the time, and the only place we ever go is to the bar or club) I don't expect him to pay for me every time we go out but every once and a while it would be nice considering he makes much more money than I do.
Maybe this is all for the best, I don't know. Maybe I am totally overeacting. But I just feel that maybe I'm not the type of girl that he wants or needs. Maybe he's not the type of guy I want or need. When I was a teenager (which was only a few years ago) before I ever got into any relationship I told myself I would never want a guy who was smothering, I still wanted to be my independant self, and that was just the way it was going to be. I feel like I'm not anymore, and I'm trying to take that back. I'm only 21 and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, I have a new job that I love at a really nice office and they're considering me for a promotion, and I really don't think that includes having repetitive phone sex conversations with J 5 times a day. I sent him a text message back saying that if he can't give me some space then this has to end for good. He has not responded as of yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 8:57am

ambermary627...


From the sound of your post, it sounds like YOU COULD USE A LITTLE SPACE FROM J!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:59am
I think you know what you have to do... You know, deep in your heart, that J isn't the guy for you. As much as you care about him -- and as unwilling as you are to hurt him -- you have to be true to your own feelings. The two of you have had problems in the past, this isn't a new thing. The fact that you feel suffocated by this guy is a clear indication that something is very wrong with this relationship. You and J have very different approaches to life, and it seems that although you have fun with him you have some irreconcilable differences that make being in a relationship very difficult.
The bottom line is that to be happy you need to find someone who isn't so insecure that he has to call you constantly to assure himself that you aren't cheating on him. The problem is his, and he needs to deal with it.... but without you. Don't allow yourself to flip flop around as you have been doing. Call this off once and for all, and give yourself the space you need to heal and get over him. It sounds like you have a lot of great stuff ahead for you. You need to be in a healthy, happy relationship that gives you the support you need to meet all the other challenges in life. This relationship isn't giving you that. Do yourself a favor and break it off decisively. Tell him exactly what isn't working, tell him how you feel, and then tell him your decision to stop seeing each other. It may be hard, and he'll probably try and make you feel guilty or convince you that you're making a mistake, but stick to your guns. Once the breakup is final, cut off communications with him in order to give yourself space to grieve and heal. This might be hard, but it's definitely necessary.
Good luck darlin. I wish you all the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 8:34pm

I have to agree with the last post there.

Breaking up IS hard, and it does take time to heal. But time does heal the pain and you will look back one day and realise that you were so different and wanted different things. I know they say opposites attract and differences make for an interesting couple, but your independance is making it hard for him as he feels insecure, and his smothering you is making you resent him. It's not something that he can change, its not a self-esteem thing that you can work on, people are just different.

You'll find it's for the best. If something IS meant to be then it will be. Maybe in 10 years time you'll find that you've both changed a lot and maybe you can rock away then, but for now it sounds like he needs to find himself, and being alone and getting used to it is the only way he can do that. You can't be expected to wait around on hold during these 'separations'.

My last boyfriend was very needy, and it was suffocating. He sounded very similar to J (except he wasnt so ambitious!), but he always needed to know where I was, what I was doing. If i went out then he assumed that I was having an affair, as he never went anywhere, didnt have any friends, he just dropped everything for me. I was so ashamed to leave him as I was so sorry that he had nobody else. He didnt even talk to his family or anything. But we're friends, we occasionally email to see how each other is doing. Yeah, he's moved on, and it kinda hurts, but I know that the girl he is with is also needy, they are a good match. :) And I'm free to focus on my career, be an individual and get travelling and all that stuff outta the way before I decide to settle down.

It sounds to me like you know what you need to do in order to be happy. We can't control who we love, that's just life. Time is a healer.