Broken engagement, ready to date??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Broken engagement, ready to date??
3
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 6:07pm

hi...here's my situation, basically i got engaged to a man i was dating for 7 months. it was great up until the reality set in that this was the man i was going to supposedly spend the rest of my life with. i say supposedly because i guess it never felt right. we had a big blow out new years eve, he got violent, and i broke it off. (i had a lot of uneasiness and doubts before new yrs eve but that was my reason, my out)

after a week of him crying, begging, and pleading, i gave it another go. took the ring back and the following week was awesome. well, then my uncle passed away and i got ZERO support from him. the death really hurt me and my ex-fiances reaction hurt me on top of that. he came to the wake but made my feel guilty about it, that it ruined our weekend. i went to the funeral alone, and he questioned me on why i HAD to go to the funeral.

well, i forgave him for his insensitivity and we went on to discuss our other issues- a huge one being family values. i didnt feel like he knew my family well enough. he went on to insult my mother and my mentally ill brother- where, keep in m ind, my famly had always been loving, warm, and welcoming towards him. well, that was the strawi that broke the camels back. i ended it then (monday) and this time for good. i know i would be miserable with this man. we dont share the same views. not to mention his temper, controlling and jealous nature, and addiction to prescription painkillers. his best qualities were his affection, money, generosity, sense of humor, and attention he gave me.

even though i ended it and i am convinced he isn't for me, it is hard. we had our wedding plans set. (reception hall, church, photographer, videographer, band, my dress) i think the worst part about it for me is my dream of being married was right in front of me, and now it is gone. today is his birthday and i'm so sad. even though he is a real jerk there is a part of me that wishes i was spending it with him.

so onto my question...i have been friends with this other guy for 2 years now. we have always seen eye to eye on majoy issues like religion, family values, communication, etc. he is a really nice person and has been supportive of me thru this rough time. we decided to make a friendly date for this coming sat.

i am scared to death to go. i know he is interested in me and views me as marriage material (assuming we had all the chemistry and love we would need). and i feel the same way. but at the same time, i'm so afraid to get involved with anyone. i thought i would keep the date and if it goes well, continue to see him- but at a VERY SLOW pace. like once a week to start. i never pursued things with him when i was "single" because, crazy as this may sound, i thought he was too nice.

do u think i am making a mistake by going? i don't feel ready to date random guys - but there is a comfort and familiarity to him which is why i am open to go. do u think it's crazy?

i hope my mixed feelings about my ex go away soon. one minute i am convinced he isnt for me, the next im remembering the good times and missing him...i know i seem all mixed up over here- just looking for some solid advice, thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:14pm
Girl. For real. Step back from the situation for a minute and take a looooonnnnngggg DEEP breath. I just got out of a relationship so I know how it feels to pine for companionship and a life with "the one," but really. It sounds like you just escaped an extremely hellacious future by the skin of your teeth and need to spend some time learning to love yourself, by yourself. I know that's a scary thought, but honestly, it's the best thing that you can do for yourself right now. Sure, go on the date with this dude, but only if you feel like you won't get sucked into another bad situation, or that you won't be tempted to just fall into the arms of the next man willing to have you. Please, and I hope I'm not out of line here, learn to love yourself before you try to love someone else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 9:24pm
It's completely normal to have mixed emotions about your ex, especially when the break-up is still so fresh.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Sat, 02-05-2005 - 2:58pm

MLM,

Just an observation....

You were in a relationship for 7 months with someone that, after the fact, you've concluded you've had very little in common with. You sacrificed your values for "affection, money, generosity, sense of humor, and attention he gave me." (We ALL do this sometime in our lives, so I'm not quoting you to be mean.) Why?

Meanwhile, you have been friends with a man for 2 years, and an epiphany has struck you that you have quite a bit in common. You have alluded to being "marriage" material, without even knowing if you're even "dining out" material (Do you know for a fact that he doesn't clip his toenails at the table?). Why?

He has shown interest in you in the past, but you chose a "fun and dangerous" relationship, to a "stable and warm" relationship. You both may want the same thing, but you are on different pages. Why?

Go out and have a good time. Pamper yourself. But don't date anyone, especially this gem of a guy, until you have got the ex out of your system. This means trying to figure out what attracted you to Mr. Loser so much that you were willing to forego yourself.

It might also help if you discussed with your priest or deacon (or even a strong family member) the cathechism of marriage in our Church. It is a sacrament, not a celebration, and I think you need to reconsider what that means. You seemed to have a dream of being married in front of friends when it should be a commitment to being married in front of G*d. You ARE His greatest creation, and you must make the bond in front of Him knowing it is the best thing for you to do for the rest of your life religiously, physically and emotionally.

Good Luck

Mimiche