any advice??
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 02-04-2005 - 7:14pm |
Hi, if anyone has any advice here I'd be grateful...
About 3 months ago my boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up, it was me that ended it through confusion but I hadn't given up on the relationship, we were just having big problems and always fighting so I thought it'd be best to take time out to reassess what we were doing and our feelings...
Throughout the 3 months we have stayed close and tried to spend 'quality' time together, doing nice fun things, without any stressful issues between us. We've both been open about this hope that we have that we can work things out and I haven't spent the time trying to get over him, just trying to work out how to solve our problems... I haven't even considered getting involved with anybody else as the relationship means too much for me to just walk away without trying to work at it...
The whole time he has been saying that he misses me and loves me just the same and that he isn't interested in getting involved with anyone else, although I was always aware it was a small possibility because after all I had ended our relationship which he didn't want to do... But he calls me everyday, more than once, we go for dinner about twice a week and he calls me every time he's drunk in tears saying he misses me, so I haven't had any reason to doubt he does.
Today I checked my emails and I had recieved one, I presume by accident, that was to another girl telling her he loved her... I have no idea who she is, and never heard him mention her which is strange to me because we live less than a mile apart and share the same friends... Our social groups usually stay really close and we're usually out at the same places and stuff...
So I asked him who she was, I didn't go crazy because I know, being the one that broke us up, that I have no right to stop him moving on if I'm unwilling to be with him whilst we have these problems... He is denying all knowledge, calling me stupid and saying I need to get my facts straight... He says somebody must have been messing with his email account but I can't see why or how any one would do that. I asked if he'd told anybody he loved them apart from me since the day we met and he said no. He told me tonight he has met a couple of girls on nights out and had one night stands which hurts as I didn't even contemplate wanting somebody else... but I accept that too, even though up until tonight he has lied to me saying he hasn't even looked at another girl. It just hurts more that maybe he is sharing an emotional relationship with somebody that I have no idea about, and I don't understand for the life of me how I can't have noticed because we see so much of eachother. He's told me over the past few weeks that he's been to new restaurants and stuff, and when I asked who with he just said friends, which I never questioned, but now this has happened I wonder if infact he's been keeping this all secret and he is actually involved in someone new. If this is the case, how come he's saying he still wants to get back together and that he wants to move in together and stuff? My best friends are just as confused because they always thought he acts like he adores me and would do anything for me... I never took that for granted but I always assumed that we would get through this, and that he felt the same, that he wanted to sort out our problems too and definately wasn't contemplating being with anybody else...
I've racked my brain trying to understand this out of character email, and I'm sure it cant just be a platonic "I love you" because he really isn't like that to his friends, and the fact that I've never heard of her before... Just don't get it! But my instinct says he is lying about it, and that he knows what its about but is panicking at the thought of losing me for good.
Anybody that can help me understand why or how he's done this, please advise!
THANK YOU!! XX

Smiles,
I am a bit confused by your opening paragraphs. You "broke up" about 3 months ago, but you "(haven't) given up on the relationship". When you break up, it means that the relationship is irretrievably over. You are either not getting what you need out of the relationship, or you are just not that into it. You, however, now chose to spend your time "trying to work out how to solve (y)our problems." It's not that you don't have "stressful issues", you are avoiding them in an attempt to salvage what you initially stated was kaput. You need to sit down with yourself and figure out WHAT this relationship is. Do the positive parts outweigh the negatives? Are you willing to come to terms and live with the shortcomings in order to appreciate the long suits of what he has to offer? More importantly, what do you have to offer and what kind of sacrifices are you willing to make? Are you staying together for the sake of (or because of) your social groups that you mention in passing?
Until you figure it out, you are going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is as much in the dark as you are. He may be enjoying the "quality" time together, and he may be verbally pining for you. He is, however, free to search out other avenues, since you gave the walking papers. You give him no clear indication of the parameters and destination of your relationship, so don't expect him to "play by the rules" if there aren't any. Perhaps, he is more on the path of "moving on" and has started dating others.
Trust your instincts if you think he is, as you know him better than we do. He is deceiving you so as to: (a)maintain his "good guy" status with you, (b)keep his options open, (c)not feel a lack of control in his life, or (d) all of the above. People lie out of self-preservation, not to preserve others. Don't think that he is pervaricating so as not to lose you (sorry if that one hurts). He may *act* like he adores you and would do anything for you, but you don't a clue on what he *thinks*. That is manifested by what he *does*. That, my dear, IS character.
Have you considered that this e-mail to the phantom interest is just a ploy to get you to "sh*t or get off the pot"? He wanted you to either get jealous and get back together with him, or just break it off. Instead, you remain ambivalent, questioning him and your close friends instead of yourself. It is a childish act, especially if he is now denying any knowledge. If he has always been the "indirect" type, it may be the best way he could come up with to resolve the matter.
Make up your mind what this relationship is and where it is going. State your ideas clearly and concisely to him. Let him decide how he feels and thinks about it. Then, the TWO of you follow the game plan. If it's over, it's over; if it's not, it's not. No more "No Man's Land"
Mimiche
P.S. re: The "he calls me every time he's drunk in tears saying he misses me"...If you can count on more than one hand the number of times he has done this in the last 3 months, SERIOUSLY reconsider this guy. He may have more of a problem than you or he are willing to admit. Or, maybe this is why you two were fighting to begin with?
Edited 2/5/2005 3:57 pm ET ET by mimiche_r