Can we really be friends??
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-06-2005 - 10:43pm |
My ex and I broke up over three months ago. We only dated about three months. So this was not a long term thing. The reason behind the break up was because he could not devote the time and attention to a relationship and he wanted to be just friends. Of course I took it hard which resulted in having to leave town in order to get over it.
He and I still keep in touch. Actually (and don't yell at me ladies!), I would send him random messages or include him on group messages. At first, he would start to respond. I stopped doing it for about three weeks mainly because I was away. Then, I returned from being away and ready to start fresh. Well, I received an e-mail from him. It wasn't personal. Just one of those messages to a large group and he included me on it. I responded back and he would then reply back as well. Thereafter, I had continued to send him harmless e-mail messages and again...he would respond back. Whenever I get the responses back, I don't really read into them too much nor the fact that he replies back. He's just being courteous and trying to maintain the friendship as a result of the breakup. I do have to note that none of the messages had to do with our past relationship nor attempting to get together. However, with several of the e-mail responses, he did include the phrase, "See you soon!" Again, I chose not to read too much into it because I, myself, knew exactly that it was not going to happen. Of course he probably meant that he would see me around among our group of friends. But he keeps forgetting that I never get invited out by this particular group. So him saying that to me...I don't know why he's saying that to me. Again, he's probably just trying to be courteous.
In a nutshell, the e-mails have been continuous for the last month. Mostly because of me and my sending him stuff and him replying back. In reality...he doesn't have to respond back and I don't expect him to. But he does. In one of my most recent messages, I mentioned how I would do anything to see the band he and I both really like and looking forward to their new CD coming out. He then proceeds to forward me a copy of their latest single. Again, trying not to read too much into it and he's probably doing his part to remain friends. I know...I'm in denial! But it helps me in NOT sitting around wishing and praying that he and I will get back together. I KNOW that he and I won't. So anything to convince me is a huge plus!
Well, I think this is weird. Am I wrong for thinking that? I e-mailed him recently to see if he wanted to grab brunch or dinner. That I had no motives other than just wanting to catch up with a friend. He wrote back and said that he was busy but could do "X" days but we would need to play it by ear. He also indicated his intention for turning me down. I saw him this weekend at a friend's party. He was very courteous to me (even said hello to me this time...last few times I saw him, he didn't say a word!) and he kept standing next to me when there were all these other people he could have stood next to. So I sort of felt forced to do "small talk" with him because it was so awkward having him just stand there next to me and me sitting on the bar stool. It was very weird.
So, my question to all of you...is it possible for me to remain friends with my ex? I am most certainly ready to move on. But all of this is just bizarre. I hope he doesn't think that I am wanting to get back together by wanting to meet up with him. But of course...he probably does! That's why I told him that my intentions were harmless.
I know everyone has their own opinions...but based on what my situation is, just curious as to what you all think I should do. After seeing him this weekend, now I'm not sure I really want to go through with meeting up with him. Oh...by the way...he invited me to a party he's throwing this weekend. Rather I should say that I was included among a large group of people to attend a party he's throwing.
Anyway, any insight is much appreciated. I really don't want to go through having dinner with him this week. So I'll be grateful for any advice and if I should continue remaining friends with him or just forgo it and stop all forms of communication and just be cordial when I see him in person. My intention from now on is to stop all e-mails. But it's for when I see him in social situations is what I'm having trouble figuring out what to do.

Sounds like he's being a friend to me.
Friends are courteous. They are polite. They invite friends of theirs to parties they throw. They stand next to each other. They get together and eat. They respond to email they receive from friends. It's manners. It's considerate.
I think whether or not a broken up couple can be friends depends on the relationship's end. For example, if it ended in betrayal, I don't see how friendship can be salvaged, because betrayal isn't a sought after quality or character trait when choosing a friend. It sounds like your break up came from honesty in where you both were IN the relationship. Instead of being a jerk and stringing you along with the scraps he had time to give you, so he could keep the self gratifying parts of you, he had the courage and character to be honest and let you go. Many guys use the "I want to just be friends" line as just that, a line. It really means "I don't want to hurt you, but I don't want to be with you.". Your XBF however, appears to have meant it, by the effort into a friendship that he's making.
Which brings me back to my first point. It sounds like you are friends.
I might be out of line here, but part of me wonders if thou dost protesteth too much? Are you really, truly over him? If you were, would his behavior in the friendship trouble you so much?
Friendship, in my view, is a two-way thing. From your post it sounds like you *always* do the initiating and he *always* does the responding--at his end, maybe out of guilt/a sense of responsibility to follow through and 'be' your friend? From the sounds of it he isn't acting terribly enthusiastic about the friendship. If that's okay with you, great. If it's awkward, though, maybe it's not a friendship *you* want in your life.
Hey hun,
Sounds to me like you're not over this guy. If you were, you wouldn't be analyzing his actions so closely, and given that you just wrote such a long message, it seems like you spend a huge amount of time thinking about him...
It is possible, and in some circumstances 'normal' to be friends with an ex. But really it is only going to work when you have no concern whether he's wanting more from you or you're wanting more from him... The friendship should come naturally, if it's to remain truly platonic it shouldn't even play on your mind.
I think you should take a break from this guy... after all if you really do get on so well as buddies then there's no rush, you can just avoid him for a while and cut out the mailing, then by the sounds of things, when you're ready you could drop him a line and see how he's doing...
To figure out whether you really can be friends, consider scenarios like seeing him with another girl, and whether it'd upset you, because when you're friends with someone thats what you're going to eventually be faced with, and it can really hurt! You don't want to end up back at square one, so my advice to you is time out, as long as you need!! Then decide!
Good luck xx
Thanks to you all for your insightful comments. These message boards are always difficult because you don't really know the person who is behind it. But I always like hearing what other people think and it helps me assess what's best for me to do. So this is all very much appreciated!!! :)
I do want to say that when the new year started, I was ready to move on and ready to have limited contact with him. I knew that if I was able to do that, the transition, although difficult, would still help in the healing process and allow me to find ways of getting over this. And those of you who say that I'm not over this are correct! I'm not. It was a good relationship but he didn't devote the time and attention to the relationship that it deserved. Unfortunately, he's fully aware of that but wasn't willing to compromise. That's something I just can't come to terms with. The relationship was not abusive nor was it a relationship where he and I couldn't get along. But I keep asking, if you know it's a good relationship, why give it up? But part of me feels that he was afraid I would dump him because we rarely saw one another and he was doing the easy thing by just ending it before he had a chance to get hurt by me. Despite this being a good relationship, it was a difficult one to end. Most would say because he lost interest (that's what my thinking was too). But with him continuing and trying his best to maintain contact with me...I just don't know what to think anymore.
What you all don't know is that the first time I saw him after he and I broke up, we were at a party and I had anticipated going over to him to say hello. Instead, HE came over to ME and asked if we were on speaking terms. He claims it was a joke to "break the ice" but that's a poor way of saying hello to someone you just hurt. But I can't emphasize enough that this guy I think genuinely really wants to stay friends. Most guys wouldn't have done what he did in approaching me and asking if we were on speaking terms. They would just stand there and act all cool as if they couldn't care less. The thing with my ex is that although I would do the initiating with the e-mails, he would respond. Whereas other men would completely ignore them and not respond whatsoever. I've had that happen before. So him replying back to my messages is something I've never dealt with before. Sometimes I asked myself, "Why is he responding back to these???"
Remember, I was ready to start fresh at the beginning of the new year. No messages whatsoever to him...nothing! But then I got that initial e-mail and that just opened up a bad can of worms on my end and started a string of messages. Then got the invite to the party. Do know that I take nothing he says nor writes to heart. I am confident that he and I will not get back together because I just don't see him wanting to do something like that. I, on the other hand, would love to get back together with him. But sometimes you just have to give yourself a reality check! So I'm not one of those girls who sits around waiting for that to happen. I HAVE to move on with my life and was ready to do so. But how can I do that when the other party continues to maintain all lines of communication open? How can I just ignore that when I know he is trying his best to be friends?
After his party this weekend, I fully intend to shorten any forms of communication with him. If I see him around, of course I'll say hello. But no more e-mail messages! I think all that's going on in my head is confusion. And I've seen him with another woman...who actually turned out to be an old friend of his whom I hadn't met yet. But it made me jealous. Though I am curious as to when the time comes when he starts dating someone else as to if I'll ever find out either through him or my co-workers who are friends of his as well.
Anyway, many thanks again for your thoughts! I just need to separate myself for a short while. And over time, I'm sure that the friendship will be a strong one even after he ends up with someone else. :)