is there hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
is there hope?
8
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 12:22am
Hello, my boyfriend of almost 2 yrs just broke up with me... because he felt he couldn't give me what I wanted - marriage. Sure I wanted marriage, but there was no pressure, no ultimatum. I admit I'd get sad over a movie, for example, where a couple was getting married etc. (because I guess it emphasized what I couldn't have) as I'm very emotional, but I never wanted to loose HIM. We thought HE had a fear of committment and he's been trying to work on this, but during the breakup he said he thinks he is a committment-type person (I must agree), so he said the hurtful words that perhaps something is missing in our relationship, something isn't right. He doesn't know what. He said maybe this just isn't it.... Yet we were so happy together. And compatible. And he agrees; he said he feels very confused. And it's not like he didn't want to get married - he did... he just wasn't able to.
Gosh... I feel I cannot go through this breakup (yet another one in my life). I'm not 30 yet, but I so do not want to be single again, I can't even imagine it. How do I cope with this? I can't sleep at night - anxiety attacks wake me up a few times (I dread going to bed at night...). And I keep asking myself WHY? Why me? Why again? And why is it so difficult... But - is there hope? Or should I try to do what I really don't want - move on...?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: katieitak
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 11:04am

Is there hope for what? Reconsiliation with a guy who doesn't want to marry you? I'm not sure how to tell you the truth with out it coming off as just kicking you while you're down. Please don't take it that way. I really do just want to help you see.

You've heard of the book HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU right? He said he does want to get married someday. But he "just wasn't able to". That sentence is missing "with you" at the end of it. He is into you, but he's just not THAT into you. You were happy together, but you were not compatible. If you were, you wouldn't be broken up, you'd be engaged. You want to marry him, he doesn't want to marry you. That's not compatible.

"How do I cope with this?"

By taking every day as it comes, one at a time. By realizing that you've had your heart broken before and you've survived, and you can and will do it again. By accepting that even the best relationship is not TheOne if both involved don't want the same thing FOR the relationship. By understanding it's okay to mourn the loss of what you had, wish you had, and the future you planned for with your XBF. By keeping hope, not that he will come back to you regreting the break up and begging you to take him back, but hope for the man out there who does want to marry you.

You will get though this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: katieitak
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 12:22am

Hi, thanks for your reply. Thank you for being honest... You might be right, I'm afraid you are. But do you think there really is no chance at getting back together and being happy and for him to overcome his fears? Aren't there any couples who went through this and then were able to reconsile and make things work?......

I did not hear of this book, I'll try to find it. Maybe I do need a cold shower, but I guess I'm still in shock and denial. It's been only TWO days... It's scary to think of how many more before I can normally function again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
In reply to: katieitak
Tue, 02-08-2005 - 10:54am

"Aren't there any couples who went through this and then were able to reconsile and make things work?"

Sure, there are exceptions to every rule. It CAN happen, the guy can realize he 'never knew what he had til it's gone' type thing. But should you hold out hope for that to happen? This is where I think the answer's kinda got to be no:

"But do you think there really is no chance at getting back together and being happy and for him to overcome his fears?"

Because his "fears" involve making a committment to you. There was no pressure, no ultimatem to make this committment to you, but he bails on you. He says "perhaps something is missing in our relationship, something isn't right....doesn't know what....maybe this just isn't it....".

After two years with you he has doubts. Doubts mean no. You are not his TheOne.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: katieitak
Wed, 02-09-2005 - 1:02pm

I understand your situation as mine was quite similar.i really wanted to move in with my boyfriend (since we were in a ldr for 15 months).at first he wanted to do this but as i started making the serious moves such as deciding how to go about sorting emigration documents etc..he started getting cold feet and told me it wouldn't work out if i moved in with him.

i was shocked as we had even discussed getting married one day but all that seemed to be just a dream and now i am left with nothing but his photos.

just like you during the 1st 2 days i felt really heart broken,i felt i couldn't move on and that maybe he will come back.Now a month has passed and although i m still very hurt i am finding the courage to move on and accept the fact that he probably just didn't want to make a commitment to me.

However, i now look towards a bright future with the hope that someday i will meet the man of my dreams who will beg me to marry him!

Only time can heal the wound and I am sure that as days pass by the pain starts to diminish and you will start to accept the fact that your relationship is now just a thing of the past.

Please have faith in yourself and try and be strong.After all you want a man who adores you not someone who doesn't want to be with you.

Good luck and should you need more support please let me know

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: katieitak
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:55pm
I know this is hard on you....breakups are always so hard.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
In reply to: katieitak
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 10:14pm
I can totally sympathize with what you are going through. I just broke up with my boyfriend after 2 years. It is frightening how similar your situation is to mine. We had always been on the same page about our future and then out of the blue (at least to me..I am sure it had been on his mind for a while) he told me he didnt want to be serious anymore. He said he didnt want to waste my time while he made up his mind. We worked through it at the time, but it was just a bandaid, not a cure. In the end, I realized that I was going to resent him if we stayed together. It took me a while, but I was the one who walked away. You have to be strong. No matter how strongly you feel about him, he has made it clear that he does not want the same things. Don't ignore it or read something else into it. Easier said than done, I know, but I am trying to do the same thing. Hang in there and just know that you are not alone, and most importantly, there is nothing wrong with you. It was his decision. You can dream that you will get back together, but know that in reality it probably isn't going to happen and you need to work on healing. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: katieitak
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 8:33pm
Thank you all for your support and all the responses... You were all right... THERE WAS NO HOPE................. He called yesterday to setup a meeting for today - to talk and to bring me back all my stuff from his house. So, we talked and he basically said he made up his mind that he needs to leave... The decision of moving in and taking it further with me was just soooo difficult for him and he feels that it shouldn't be... He's afraid and doesn't know why, so he said he can't keep me hanging and must figure out on his own what he really wants in life... Anyway, it's over. He hugged me for good bye... It was such a nice, long hug... I am going to miss him sooooooooooo much. He was such a good person, our relationship was great till the very end... It'll be so difficult for me to move on... How do I do that? I just sincerely MISS him... I feel like I lost not just a boyfriend but a best friend... We were so good together... Gosh, how am I going to live now? All the plans we had... all the things in common we shared, apparently it wasn't enough for him but it just hurts SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much... I am completely depressed. I can't function, nothing makes any sense... And if such a great relationship failed, how should I believe in the success of any other? God help me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: katieitak
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 1:17am
eek im going through the same feelings you just posted in that response..
i have no idea how to move on when feelings are still so strong..and so many future plans were made.
and it hurts so much to feel like if such a great relationship failed then theres no hope..its also so hard to imagine even being able to love someone equally let alone MORE than we love this one right. my way of getting past that thought is that he could be our true love, but we are not theirs. they would want to be with us if we were theirs. we deserve someone who loves us as much as we love them. its going to take a while, and im not sure how, but we can do it.