Sex with the Ex....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Sex with the Ex....
3
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 1:33pm

Hi all. I need some advise. Basically my ex moved out three months ago and I didn't see it coming. But, I have done a hell of a job moving on, even if I'm not over it. I've been going out, meeting new people. Anyway, we refused to do the "roller coaster" and I have not seen him in 3 months...until last night. He came over to get something and we started talking. He was asking if I was seeing anyone, and at this time, I don't feel that we are on the level where we can talk about that kind of thing. Well, he put his arm around me and I looked at him, and then BOOM, just like that one thing lead to another. Afterwards, he said, "this doesn't mean we're back together, but maybe someday." But, he still wanted to cuddle....I told him it was time to go.

I did this to myself. I'm sure some of you have made the same mistake. How do you forgive yourself for doing something so completely sabbotaging? I knew better and now, I'm right back to where I was 3 months ago. I thought I was stronger than giving into the physical side. It won't happen again, I can say that right now, I'm just so mad at myself. I know I need to forgive myself and realize it was a moment of weakness, but I just don't know how. The worst part is that of course it was the best EVER, very passionate and now I'm all screwed up! Any suggestions on where to go from here and how to get there?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 7:06pm
Yes, I've done it. You're not back where you started 3 months ago. This isn't a circle, it's a linear process. Maybe there are hills and valleys, but not circles. So, you're low again. Depending on your personality and your path to healing, you may find yourself making this mistake a couple of times before the thought of it horrifies you BEFORE you do it, instead of just after. For some people, a dose of fire, a big mistake, can kind of accelerate the getting over it process. It's going to be a lot harder to moon over him and reminisce about all the warm, tender memories when you're feeling raw, hurt, and embarassed, right? It's easier to build him up when he's not around, but a dose of him being unconcerned with your feelings, that makes it a lot harder to delude yourself about how wonderful it all is and how much he probably still loves you. Coming into contact with him like this is a big dose of just how much he doesn't actually love you. For some people, it can help. It feels really bad for a while, but it will pass, and you may find you've come a long way toward feeling nothing for him after this episode.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:22pm

Philly,

Sorry to hear about your setback. It is difficult to be rational when you are lonely, pining, or overconfident. I don't think you intentionally damaged your progress or hurt yourself. Maybe you succumbed to temptation, but, we are all human, and we are all prone to doing that. And I believe that may be why you rated it as "the best", because it was something illicit and rash. I bet you can remember many times when you were "physical" and the warmth and love you put into it made it a truly wonderful experience.

Like you, I messed around with an ex, when I knew it was the worse thing for myself (and him too). I was my own worst critic. I found that it helped to forgive yourself out loud. "Okay, I made the wrong decision and I gave in out of . I screwed up. I'm sorry. I won't do it again, or, at least, not put myself in a situation where I can do it again. Now, can I please go on with my original course. I'm a good person for getting as far as I have. So good, I deserve an ice cream..."

Good luck on your continued progress.

Mimiche

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 02-10-2005 - 9:33pm
First of all...quit beating yourself up over this!!
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