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| Tue, 02-15-2005 - 12:53am |
Well, Valentine's Day is officially over...
I spent most of today in class and studying for a big exam. I hung out with friends and received a few valentines (nothing special). Overall, it was just a normal day. I have never been a huge fan of this holiday, but I did act a little festive and wore red :) I also sent my parents a card and called my grandmother.
I thought of my ex a lot...and you know what? I wasn't sad...actually, I felt a little relieved that he isn't in my life anymore. We were still together last Valentine's Day, but things weren't going very well between us. His ex-girlfriend had contacted me and told me some very unpleasant things about him, so we ended up getting into a huge fight. Then I decided to go away for the weekend with some high-school friends and he wasn't very happy about that. I was fairly miserable at this time last year...
I'm not going to lie and say that I don't still have my moments where I feel a little nostalgic--I miss being part of a couple; I get a little jealous seeing most of my friends in relationships. But at the same time, I'm really enjoying being single and being able to do whatever I want. I LOVE not having to worry about someone else getting hurt/jealous/mad when I go out and party. I also LOVE not being brought down by my ex anymore. Seeing some of my friends in bad relationships reminds me of what I went through with my ex...and I'm SO SO SO glad that I don't have to deal with that anymore.
It's extremely easy to forget the bad and only remember the good...for awhile after my breakup, I had myself convinced that my ex was this perfect person and that it was MY loss. But that isn't true. I will admit that my ex definitely had some good qualities...there are some parts of him that I will miss. However, he isn't the right person for me. Our relationship was so unhealthy...I no longer believe that being with him would make me happy, or vice versa. I know that he doesn't have what I want and I don't have that for him. I can't honestly say that I hope my ex ends up happy and mean it yet, but I think I'm well on my way to that point. He was a big part of my life for a long time and it was extremely hard to let go of him. I went away this past weekend to a city that I had wanted to explore with my ex...and I thought of him, but I wasn't sad. I remember thinking to myself, "Wow...I am so lucky" because I had all of these wonderful friends with me. Sometimes I have the urge to contact him and let him know that I'm doing just fine without him....but then I think to myself, what's the point? He doesn't care and it wouldn't make a difference in the long run. Besides, the best way to let someone know that you are okay and don't need them is to NOT contact them, right? :)
I haven't really had to post here in awhile, which makes me happy. I love this discussion board and I think it's really helpful, but I also think not using it as often is a good sign. I have been picking up the pieces and moving on with my life. In my psychology class today, my professor was discussing broken hearts...he suggested that after you experience something like that, you never look at things the same way again. That is so true...my ex was my first love. He helped open my eyes to a whole new world...I know that I will see and feel things differently from now on. It isn't that I've become cynical/bitter...I've just become a lot more realistic and mature. I handle myself differently; I'm definitely not as naive. I've made it this far...and I know that if I fall in love and get my heart broken again, I'll survive that too. I've worked on a lot of my insecurities and feel so much stronger than I ever have before. I'm honestly glad that I went through this experience because I'm coming out of it a much better person. I'm excited for my future...I'm even excited to meet someone new :) I'm ready to date again, and to make new memories with someone I love.
So to all the newly broken-hearted: keep your chin up! I know it's SO difficult and painful right now, but it truly does get much easier with time. That's really the only thing you can count on to help heal yourself, so have patience. And make sure you follow the no-contact rule. I really wish that I had done that sooner...but hey, it's been almost 3 months of NC for me and I'm proud of myself for that! :) You WILL survive...you really don't have any other choice than to move on with your life. You got through life without your ex before you met them, and you CAN do it again. Have respect for yourself...and take this time to really get to know and *love* yourself. <3
"Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution."
"Always remember...when the pain of holding on is greater than the pain of letting go...it's time to let go."

KCL,
Well said. Sounds like you had a great Valentine's Day. Thank you for sharing.
Hugs,
Mimiche
kcl19310- Thank you for putting exactly what I have been feeling into words. Reading your post was like looking into my own mind. It's a good feeling to be on the way to resolution. My ex barely registers on my radar anymore, and I didn't spend V-Day obsessing about what him and the new g/f were doing. That is a huge leap for me, and it feels great. Like you, I don't know if I am really, honestly ready to say I wish him the best, BUT, I can see the day that I honestly and truly am there. That too, is huge leaps for me. Unfortunately for me, he is the father of my child, so, no contact is not an option. I do however, try to keep it to the minimum, like texting him when I have to let him know something rather than actually talking to him. Believe it or not, just something that small has been a world of help.
We are all getting there, and again, like you, I no longer would want to be with my ex, nor do I think I would be good for him. We are just too different of people, and always were. I am starting to not hate him, which I think is just my bitterness fading. I will always have a special place in my heart for him, I mean we do have a child together. And for her sake, I need to get past the bitterness and let her see that Mommy and Daddy are friends. We can't be together, but we don't have to be enemies.
Anyways, thanks soooo much for your post, and good luck - it sounds like you are at the tail end of getting over this break up. Best wishes - Cait
Hi Cait,
Thanks for your kind words. I really admire your strength in dealing with your breakup, especially since you still have to have some contact with your ex. I think it's really great that you want to be on decent terms with him (despite everything) for your child's sake.
You should be proud that you're moving forward with your life. You are right...we are all slowly getting there, and it feels great! :) Good luck with everything, and take care <3