Sick to my stomache

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sick to my stomache
6
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 5:34pm
Anyone out there who is feeling devastation over the loss of their relationship, I feel your pain. I have never felt anything like this in my life. I think it'll help me to write out what all happened so here's our history: We have been togather about a year and a half. He's the first guy I ever said I love you too, and the first guy I have ever felt 100% comfortable around. He encouraged me to become a better person and I am so thankful for that. Well, we have been having trust issues lately. He has a problem with women. We were both prepared to work through it and I really thought we'd be fine, even grow stronger. Well, then last night he told me that he is going to Chicago for 3 weeks for this awesome opportunity he's getting in his job. I am so happy for him, I really am, but I broke down and said that this is the worst possible time. Our relationship cannot handle that right now, we are in the middle of rebuiliding. I told him that I am not breaking up with him to try and get him to stay, but I am not going to put myself through that. I do not want to sit at home behaving myself and be worried sick (I really do get nauseaus) about him. Plus the guy he's going with has NO respect for women. So, I told him that we needed to break up and this is the best way to do it since he'll be gone for so long and neither of us can come crawling back to each other.
I am devastated though. He stayed over last night (the night I broke up with him) because its not like we hate each other and he new I needed consoling. I don't know what to do. I just break down crying because I feel like I'm loosing the best man I've ever known. Now, I just want to find someone exactly like him, except his flirtaceous attitude. I gave him his key this morning and he's bringing my apartment key by while I'm at work today.
It's going to be a lonely road ahead, all of my friends are wild and I know I can't find a good guy in that group. I'm super busy with school and work so I'm busy during the day, its nights that are a problem. I'm not calling him at all, no matter what. But, I don't know what to do about his calls. He does not want to break up at all so I know he'll be checking in. I want to talk to him every month or so to see how he is but I can't handle more than that or I'll want him back. and I am not strong enough to say no right now. How do you guys get through this, and how do you ever trust again. I feel like with the next guy, I will just break up with them for any breach of trust because I don't want to go through this pain again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:13pm
Welcome to the board!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 4:27pm
Trust should never be an issue and if there is a breech of trust then there should be no relationship. I was with my ex husband for over 8 years and I heard the same sob story time and time again and I found myself making the same excuse and trying to justify his behavior until we finally split up and I found out he had had 3 kids with two other women while we were married! It is hard but you can either stay give in and deal with the fact that you can't trust him ( and probably never will ) or you can put you first. The pain and agony now will really be worth it in the long run. It will make you stronger and more independent. You should never, ever sacrafice your morals, ethics, or values to put yourself on the same level as a untrustworthy male who can't seem to keep his pants on. It really does get easier over time. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 1:26pm
You are officially my hero! I wish I was as strong as you! I know that pain in your stomach and I know I'm not as strong as you for letting my ex go when I should have.. instead.. I did the oposite and now i'm paying the price.. My trust issues deal with the new version of cheating.. over IM. My ex had a very sick converstaion with someone he was intimate with years ago... she started sending him naked pictures and they started talking about their times together.. anyway.. I regreat reading it becuase it haunts me and after we got back together it was only a matter of time before I brought it back up again.. trust is sacred and I can never trust him again.. if he didn't think that was cheating.. his morals are way off... Again.. Congrats on being so strong, hang in there and don't settle... I'm following your footsteps next time thanks for being such a good example... Dani.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 3:03pm

Dani

Whoa. My ex did kinda the same thing. With his ex whatever she was (she was never his gf, just his piece that he thought he fell in love with). Anyway, yeah, I was suspicious that something was up (I knew they had been talking, which was fine, but she was actively pursuing him even though she knew about me and he didn't ever say no, which was not fine) and did a bad thing by snooping on his IM logs. But I found some very raunchy IM's of the same kind that your ex had. No naked pics, but definitely completely inexcusable for one who was in a serious relationship. Though we broke up that night, I never actually told him that I found the IM's (didn't want him to have the moral high ground) and have this bad habit of conveniently forgetting about them whilst getting all misty eyed and nostalgic for him. He definitely didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing. What the h*ll is that all about?

I guess my point is that I'm glad I'm not alone and that I can take your story and strength as an example. He wants to be my friend when I'm ready, and "repair the trust between us"...but...maybe that's not possible...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 9:53pm
Eeyore.. Thank God I'm not alone.. I swear no one could understand this whole thing.. and it' tought to explain without feeling like I'm making excuses.. Althought I wasn't snooping, on Thanksgiving weekend.. my boyfriend of a year (at the time) asked me to watch his house becuase everyone was out of town.. so i did.. took in his mail.. etc. On his computer was the latest copy of my resume and some other docs of mine.. well.. I Zipped 3 files and sent them to my hotmail account... one of them i didn't recognize when I got home.. but it started with my initials..and so does my resume so naturally the files were in alphabetical order... coincidence...or Gods way of telling me.. 'Dani.. you are stupid so i'll put it front of your face that this a*hole is no good for you' So i got home opened the file and noticed it was an IM conversation on Word between him and a very old friend of his.. whith whom he MADE sure I knew that they had sex in the past but that it was out of boredom and that she really was just a good old friend of his and that she wanted to meet me and that he wanted me to please not let past make me feel wierd about her.. I never met her and they haven't really talked since he and I have been seeing eachother and then they decided to catch up one night on IM... anyway.. i read this IM convo and threw up about 9 times.. once when he told her we were having problems but that he loved me more than anything and how beutifull I was.. he sent her pictures of us and was telling her how beautiful he thought i was.. She dissagreed but he stood up for me..then they started talking about when they had sex..it was obviously nothing more than just drunk sex.. then she had the nerve to send him a picture of herself naked... she was soooo FAT and SOOOOOO not pretty...and he... complemented her... I died right then and there.. they laughed and she asked him to save the convo so they could read it and laugh later... well.. no one laughed that night.. I emailed him an exert from the convo and told him he was a sick bastard. After that my life was hell.. I had no idea what the hell happened to the person I loved.. I thought he was a freak.. I thought he was sick.. I don't take naked pictures for him and this chick is doing it? we had a very intimate and close relationship..we are both very effectionate.. after that.. I felt so low.. I lost 15 pounds!! I felt that i wasn't "slutty" enough for him.. my innocence gone.. I had never in my life experience this type of betrayal or any, I have allways been with men who respected me and wanted me and no other. I've never cheated either.. I'm dealing with that now.. I'm the girl who looks like I have it all together.. my career.. everything.. and noone knows what he did.. I'm to0 embarassed to tell anyone that this is why we broke up in November so I can't talk to anyone about this.. and I"m more embarrassed that I took him back in December. Now I'm alone again... he wanted a "break" the week before valentines day! I don't understand... He screwes up but he dumps me? I believed in love before him.. I believe that love is forgiving.. so I forgave.. I was understanding.. but I think back now and I was just stupid.. immature and should have known better.. there are A*holes out there and he was one of them.. Thanks for listening.. as you can tell.. I'm not over this at all! lol.Dani
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:13pm

Oh don't worry Dani, I hear you loud and clear. Talk about forgiving...loss of innocence...man I hear you. The story on this ex..thing (i like to call her the f-ing toxic sow, thank you, and will henceforth refer to her as FTS) is as follows:

So way before we met X and FTS had some kind of "thing" where they met up about twice a month to go out and then screw. Whatever. So she's this great fantasy girl and doesn't put any pressure on X and he thinks that he's falling in love with her. X thinks things are going great until FTS disappears off the face of the earth, only to turn up a few months later engaged to the guy she was dating while having the thing with X . So when X and I met she had recently wanted to re-establish contact with him. He let me know about this, he let me know that he still had loose ends to deal with, etc., and I TOTALLY understood. Trusted him completely and didn't think anything of FTS, other than I felt sorry for her. Well, 3 months into our relationship she came up to visit X. At the time I told him that whatever he needed from me, space/time/etc, I would give it to him but he said he didn't need it. Anyway, she comes up and PROPOSITIONS X saying that she'll leave her fiance for X if he'll take her back. He says no, tells her about me...and then proceeded to let her sleep over at his place. In his bed. With him. He said that nothing happened. I believed him (and still do). And he was remorseful, realizing that he had done something dumb. But...it absolutely rocked my foundation of trust. I trusted him not to do anything stupid, and this was DEFINITELY stupid. Despite all this though, I forgave him. Completely. Immediately.

**looking back I know now that I should've either called it all off or told him to re-evaluate what the heck he wanted, but anyway...continuing on**

So, though outwardly I said I forgave him and told him that he could, of course, be friends with FTS (b/c it would piss me the hell off if he told me who I could/couldn't be friends with...so no double standards there), I really held up a whole lot of resentment and suspicion towards the both of them. At her, for being a FTS and continuing to pursue X, but a lot at him for breaking my trust and never really shutting FTS down completely. Because, honestly, would you take "no, but come home with me and cuddle and lets still be friends" as a complete shut down? So, another 4 months went by and I would inquire about her occasionally, whilst seething with jealousy and anger and such, which X could detect but we never talked about. Anyway, during January things got a little weird. He really started to withdraw from me, which he does when stressed, and I thought it was all about me--which sent me into a panicky tailspin. So, the weekend before we broke up, which was a somewhat strained weekend anyway, he's like "oh blah blah, I'm so stressed about work and oh yeah things have been going on with FTS for the past few weeks(she was in the hospital) and I'm going to go see her this coming weekend." And b/c I'm a good girlfriend and not a cold, heinous b*tch, I dug deep and was like "well I wish you had said something sooner, but of course, go, can I pitch in for flowers a card what do you need from me?" blah blah blah. Like the forgiving, naieve little prat that I am.

So that Friday rolled around and things were still off. We had spent the day skiing together and, though we had a great time, I could tell he was preoccupied b/c he was leaving that evening to see her. And all that hidden resentment and jealousy took the heck over and, while he was in the shower getting ready to go, I went hunting for evidence. Which, omg, I NEVER thought I would be the kind of person to do. I think I knew as I was doing it that things had to end. Anyway, before I started seeing red from anger, the IM's really started going again at the beginning of January and included things like her asking if he was worth waiting for, and them talking about their previous sexcapades...but what REALLY got me going was a saucy IM session that took place one of the nights that he called me up at 1am to come over. FTS got him all hot and bothered and then HE CALLED ME to take care of it. And it cut me to the core because he was my first and he knew that I was (still am) madly in love with him and totally innocent of all that crap and hate game playing etc etc. Perhaps I should've waited to confront him about who he wanted. Let myself cool down a bit. But man. That was a crappy crappy way to find out you've been emotionally two-timed.

So...yeah. I keep putting all that at the back of my mind and looking past it whenever I think about him. But reading what I just wrote....ew. I got hosed. Maybe not intentionally, but I definitely got hosed. And it grosses me out. FTS is not even in the same LEAGUE as me (and I'm not talking physically, b/c I've never met or seen the girl, but just morally, ethically...being an overall nice, good and caring person). BLLLLEEEEGGGGHHHH

I feel nasty and used and like I've wasted the best of myself on him. While at the same time I still love him and have, of course, forgiven him.

Ah well...it'll all work out in the end, right? Or is that still me being innocent and naieve....




Edited 2/24/2005 1:17 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436