I've decided I need to end it...I think.
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| Wed, 02-23-2005 - 4:33pm |
First I'll provide some bacground to explain what's brought me to this decision...please don't judge me for what I am posting here...
I have been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 years, he’s 30, and I’m 27. He lives at home with his parents, and I live with my family (I take care of my brother and grandmother, something I have been doing for many many years now). We met when we were both in a band together, he played bass and I did the merchandising and promotions. He was never really my ‘type’ physically, but we had this running joke that if he could ever win me a stuffed animal out of one of those claw machines, I’d sleep with him. Well, the band went to Vegas for a convention and lo and behold he won me a stuffy. The two weeks we were out west for this convention we spent together mostly, having fun. But to me it wasn’t a relationship or anything – just some fun. When we got home it was no big deal to me, but it was to him. He was emotional then, so I figured what the hell, he’s a good guy, and we continued dating.
Even though I was never really sexually attracted to him, he turned out to be an awesome person and grew to love him. He is my best friend, one of my only friends really. My boyfriend has really put up with a lot – three months after we first starting dating I packed on 70 lbs. The whole time I was heavy, I never really questioned that I loved him; I knew I didn’t have that deep, passionately love like you hear about, but I figured that this was good enough and should keep me happy. I’ve been severely hurt emotionally before, and someone who treated me good seemed like it should be enough.
But now, I’ve recently lost almost all the weight I put on, and now I’m feeling ‘restless’. I keep finding fault with little things he does, and came up with three pages of issues I’m having. Add to that the catalyst of another man interested in me (who of course seems perfect) and I’m now questioning whether I ever really loved him or he was just there. I've always felt like I settled with him because it was the easy thing to do. I thought maybe if I just got a little action on the side, I would get over this phase and go back to my mediocre relationship and be fine with it. That of course didn’t work; the side fling showed me things that I know I’ll never have with my boyfriend.
I care about my boyfriend, he’s become a part of my family and I his, but I’m not sure I want to be with him romantically anymore. He doesn’t excite me sexually, he never really has, and our sex life was never that fulfilling and all but nonexistent. 22 seconds once every three months wasn’t cutting it for me. But he is good and decent and kind and has always treated me respectfully. He is passionate about me and he loves me like no other person has. He has never been judgmental or hurtful. And I’m pretty crazy at times, so that says a lot. He’s always helped around the house, even though it’s my house not his, with home improvements and such. He’s given my family holiday presents, celebrated their birthdays with me, and understood that I had commitments prior to our relationship. I’ve been adopted into his family with welcoming arms buying presents for new baby nephews, taking trips to see all the family, celebrating births.
I don’t know if I every really loved him passionately. I think back trying to remember if I did, even in the beginning, and I just don’t see it. I used to watch those wedding stories on Discovery Channel and TLC, and look at how in love the couples at the altar were, how they would do anything for that person they were giving their life too, and I’d cry because I knew I didn’t have that. But nonetheless we would still talk of getting married, of our future plans, of when we move to Vegas, of when we register, of the big TV we’ll have, of the video game room we’ll set up… We have so much in common it’s frightening. But now I can’t see those things, I see the way we are different, the different personalities we have, the different ambition levels, the differences in how we’ve grown in the last four and a half years.
I even bought a book about commitment-phobes because I thought maybe there is something wrong with me that I need to work out. It didn’t help. I’m afraid of loosing someone who is a good person and has been so good to me, but I know I’m not happy.
I know many women who would be thrilled to have someone who is so decent and kind and so in love with them. But this just isn’t right. A few weeks ago we had a talk where I told him that I was having some confusing feelings, and I wasn’t sure if I was just going through a phase or what. He acted like the talk never happened. We’ve done some things to spice up our sex life but they aren’t helping anymore; I find myself unwilling to even kiss him. A week ago, we had a long and painful talk about my issues. He cried and cried and cried, which only made it harder for me. He has been trying to make amends for some of the stupid little things he hasn’t done in the past, but I fear that it’s too late. I just don’t feel like I love him anymore, if I ever did.
So what is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with him? And I do really love and care for him and he is my best friend. Not to mention the hurt I am causing him is killing me. But it’s not fair to him for me to feel this way. And it’s not fair to me… I’ve never been selfish before. I’ve always taken care of everyone. I’ve had custody of my brother for the past 6 years, and having the bf was just like adding someone else in to be taken care of. But I want to be taken care of for once…
So I’ve decided I need to at least tell him I need a break. Maybe a month or so to really evaluate my life. I have a feeling it will be permanent, but I can’t say anything for sure right now.
My real question is how do I deal with his emotion and hurt from this? What can I tell him, what can I say, what can I do, that will make this easier for the both of us?
Thanks for any advice you have, and for lending an ear (or, um, an eye) to my problem.

Catzwitch
It's okay to feel what you are (or aren't) feeling. It really is. From the way it sounds, breaking up with him will be the best thing for both of you. You're not happy, and you can't give him the love that he "deserves." It doesn't make you a bad person, emotions are what they are. Sometimes they happen the way we want them to, sometimes they don't. just be as honest with your boyfriend as you possibly can. Yes, he'll be hurt and he'll probably be angry...but...it really is okay. Be free and find the man that you are passionate about. And hey, better now than years from now when you would have to go through a messy divorce.
Edited 2/23/2005 6:08 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
There's never a wrong time to do the right thing. Just remember that. I'm sure you are also feeling some guilt about your feelings (ie, he loves me so much, why can't I love him the same way?!)
Thing is, sounds like you've known from the get-go that you didn't have the level of attraction for him that he has for you. It has to be mutual to work. Do not even consider marrying someone who doesn't "do it" for you. You'll only end up having an affair or something, and quite likely, dealing with the pain of divorce, and ultimately, regrets because you KNEW way back then that it just wasn't right but ... you didn't do the RIGHT thing back when you should have.
You will find someone else ... someone who you won't feel like you're "settling" for. Someone who is fulfilling and compliments your life in all the right ways. But, first ... you need to fulfill yourself. It sounds like you're not really at this point. You want for someone to fulfill your life for you. Take this time to learn to be happy with yourself, with or without a man.
And lastly, despite how much he may love you, withholding how you feel (or don't feel) about him is only going to hurt him more later. Witholding denies the other person their choice. He needs to know how you feel. Even if it hurts, it will hurt more later.