having a hard time tonight

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
having a hard time tonight
16
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 8:01pm

I'm posting here tonight instead of contacting my ex. Thank you Sheri and others whose past encouragement helped me not contact my ex after my gaffe a couple weeks ago of sending him a book that I (mistakenly) thought would be helpful.

My head knows I need (a) time, (b) no contact, and (c) acceptance that we weren't right for each other to move on. Time and no contact are on track, I guess, but part (c) just ain't coming along.

I keep replaying stories of married friends who had at least one breakup with their spouse before marriage... I keep imagining that my ex (as Erin (doubleblade) has repeatedly tried to explain to me) just wasn't interested in a real relationship, may get to the place of wanting one...and then come back to me because we are compatible in so many ways.

Part (c) is so hard to get to because so many people around us saw our contentedness with each other, our relaxed happiness together, our similarities, etc, and believed we were on the road to marriage.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 8:23pm

Hello, and I hope your doing a little better, since you posted, just a few minutes ago. You know it's ironic, but I was going to take a nap, but instead I decided to go on the website and read some posting, and see how people are doing, because I was feeling a little down myself. But once I fixed me something to eat, and got on the phone, my sadness quickly faded, and I began to read the posting on the website. Let me tell you first, you "having a hard time tonight", is something you may feel for awhile, but it's ok because your in the "healing process". If your determined to get over this, you will, TRUST ME.

Like I just said, I was feeling down for a minute, but as I got busy, it went a way. I firmly believe, that Keeping Busy, is sooo important. I didn't do that in the beginning, I just suffered, and cried, thinkng of him, over and over, and it just drove me crazy. But as time went by, I got better, and when I think of him now, it quickly fades away. When I read your posting, you are on the right track. I know you want an instant fix, and want all the anxiety, pain, and sadness to go away NOW, but it's not going too. You need to go thru this, because your preparing yourself for the next level in your life, either, professional, socially, or in the love department. Whatever lesson your going to learn from this, is valuable, and you need to hurt right now, because it's part of "growing", and becoming wiser. I guarantee you, once you get over this, there is nothing you can't handle next time around, especially when it comes to loving someone again. I'm really excited about my next "encounter or relationship" with a man, because I've learned so much from my "ordeal" and "pain" that there's nothing I can't handle. I may get my heart broke again, but I promised myself, I will do everthing I can, to prevent from making the mistakes I made in the last relationship. Even if I get my heart broke, I will know how to deal with it, better. Don't you agree with me? When you get over this, and your on loving someone else, and if it doesn't work out, you will be able to handle it, won't you? Ask yourself that, and see what your answer is.

Try journal writing, it really helps. Also prayer is an essential and vital role in recovering from a broken heart. I did a lot of prayer, and at first I didn't see any results, because like you, I wanted an instant fix, and I didn't get it. But as I continued to pray, I started to see the works of God and his son, and today, my pain is so minimal. I can't believe I'm here at this point right now, because, it wasn't too long ago, I was feeling what your were feeling, and the pain was almost unbearable, because I was so in love, but I'm ok today, and I feel it's my responsibility to help other broken hearts, because if it wasn't for this website, and all those valuable lessons and advice, I wouldn't be as sane as I am now. Take care of yourself, and continue to post, it really helps. Hope you have a good night, and peaceful. If you can, go see a movie or hang out with someone, that can give you an "instant fix", at least temporary. Take care, and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 9:00pm

Thanks so much for your message. How long ago was your breakup, and would you say that you are now convinced that you two weren't right for each other? If not, what makes you able to look forward so optimistically?

I went through a much worse breakup a couple years ago--and posted on these boards then, too. That guy had been my first love and it was an awful on-off-on-off thing with lots of emotional abuse. I learned a TON about myself and applied all of that hard-won wisdom to reclaim and recreate a life for myself that was better than ever!

I think that is why this breakup is hitting me so hard. I healed, did a ton of work, and was as vigilant as I could be to make sure I was getting into a healthy relationship with a healthy person this time around. All the signs looked good--very good--and when I finally let myself believe that I had something wonderful with someone with long-term potential, boom! It was over. His feelings changed.

So a month after the breakup, I am still in denial. Or something. Can't believe it's over for good...he and I both knew it was a rare and special thing to meet each other because of the combination of things we're looking for in a partner. I think I feel particularly hurt because my ex and I used to pray together, and once he asked me to pray for us to "be a good team and to have good communication." But a month later, he decided to quit the team without talking to me about it.

So, yes, I pray too. My prayers are all over the map, though.

Sorry for my crazy ramblings. In general I am staying busy but tonight is an at-home night as I'm still unpacking into a new apartment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 1:00pm

Hello Missy, and Good Morning too you!!!

I just read your posting to me, and because I'm still in recovery from the relationship, at this point in my life, I no longer want to talk about it. It's hard enough, every day to stop thinking of him, but right now, I'm still closing that chapter in my life, and because we still didn't have that "final talk", my healing process is taking more time, and I'm not total 100% yet. I'm getting there, but I need more time, and talking about the ordeal, just rehashing old pain, I'm trying so hard to forget. I hope you understand!

Anyways, about you, since you went thru such a painful break up two years ago, this "pain" shouldn't take you that long to recover. You did the right thing, and you got to remember, which I sometimes forget to do, that we can always give our partner 100% of the relationship, and sometimes "it just doesn't work out". I'm always looking back, and analyzing, and trying to figure out what I could of done different, and so on and so on. At this point, try to look at it, that you guys did whatever you needed to do, to keep the relationship going, but because he changed his mind, I know it hurts, but you have to accept he changed his mind, even though you took the precaution steps from last the relationship to prevent this from happening again, it did happen, and your still going to be OK. If you survived that break up two years ago, this should be easier, and if it isn't, you will survive this one as well.

Girlfriend, WE HAVEN"T FOUND THE ONE YET!!!! It's going to take us more time, and the more time we wait, and continue to go thru these life long love changes, the better we will both be. I truly believe, that "ordeal" has changed me soooo much. I'm a better woman, because of "him", and if I didn't go thru it, I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. Your relationship two years ago, prepared you to take the steps to make better choices, and you did just that, but it didn't work out. So the next man, you will take both love experiences and apply what you learned. Hey, you might have to go thru this 6 more times, I hope not, but if you do, then you do, because believe in this, YOU WILL FIND MR. RIGHT, and when you do, all the experiences you learned will be thrown out the window, because MR.RIGHT, reguires nothing!!! He will be the one, and you wouldn't have to do anything, because he was made for you. What do you think about what I said? Let me know, because these posting are very therapeutic, for me. I'm looking at myself as well, when I post. You will survive this, I can promise you that, and we don't even know each other, but it's the truth, and I'm glad you found prayer, it really helps. Continue it, and Keep me posted on how your doing. Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 11:13am
hey there -- i was having a tough morning so i consulted the board and felt a connection with your message. i'm 3 1/2 weeks into my break up (no contact; he's completely vanished from my life). i was feeling somewhat better until i ran into an acquaintance of my ex. my ex told this guy on new year's eve that he would be proposing to me soon. this mutual friend was completely floored that we broke up. quick history: i broke up w/ him on Feb. 3 after a year's relationship basically b/c he was moody, withdrawn and suffering from untreated depression. on our good days, he loved me and wanted to marry me. on our bad days.. well, it looks like his bad days got the better of him. the other side of the story was that he suffered a brutal divorce (a few years ago) which followed an even tougher marriage. having a nice, happy relationship with me made him feel scared and vulnerable.. and the better it got, the more he backed off.. if that makes any sense. in the end, i gave him the option of me staying or going -- but he said he couldn't come through or cope with our relationship anymore. that was *not* the answer i expected. i am destroyed. plus, i have tons of confused friends and family who thought we were on the road to matrimony. i thought we were.. the ex thought we were, too. but FEAR won over LOVE. that's what i don't get! i hate facing everyone. and i don't understand why he hasn't attempted to contact me. i worry about him but i know he's a big boy (and he's probably doing just fine). i'm so sad all the time and it's not getting much better. we didn't have problems w/ trust or mutual respect--just with his own unresolved issues. i am moving on but i can't help but think this is salvageable at some level. am i completely insane to think this? i mean, everyone thought we were so great together.. especially his family and friends.. they had nothing but love for me. any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:17pm

I can sooooo relate to you, catalpa8. I don't have much advice as I'm in the same boat and at some level think/hope this is salvageable. We weren't as far along as you and your ex--marriage wasn't yet in the conversation--but all the signs were good and everyone around us has been shocked at the news.

I had a coffee date this morning with a match.com guy (I'm trying to move on, I guess) but I had NO interest whatsoever. Part of me hopes my ex tries to date around and then realizes what he let go and comes back. But then another part of me thinks, "Why be with someone who would walk away so easily from something so good? What would he do when things actually got bad?" This part of me, unfortunately, hasn't yet won the day. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:32pm
thanks for your message. sharing this experience with others really helps me feel like i'm not alone in the world. to me, this break up has taught me a lot about other people (and even more about myself). my female friends give me the same response -- "you did the right thing...get on with your life, you'll meet someone better" the men tell me "give him some time...he'll be back." i think people just project themselves onto you. my female friends have been burned by guys and don't want me to have false hopes or see me get hurt again. the guys seem convinced that he'll be back when he's ready because they've been there before and know what unrequited love is like. this all makes my head spin in ten different directions. literally, people are divided on whether or not i should take him back. or whether or not he'll even try. i am so confused.. it's very distracting and i have trouble staying focused on work. time will tell and i cannot predict the future.. nor can i force it to come any sooner. i just like to hear that i'm not insane for thinking he'll be back. or wanting him to reappear. thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 12:48pm

Doesn't it just stink having your heart and mind flying around in 1000 directions? My head knows the right 'answers' here--holding onto hope is only going to delay my healing--but my heart aches at it all. It's just crazy stuff--the first time some of my friends met my ex, and saw us together, a few commented "wow, invite me to your wedding, okay? You guys obviously have something special together." Which I pooh-poohed because it was ridiculously early. Later in our dating life, girlfriends of mine would comment on how relaxed and happy I was, they would call my ex "wonderful", and talk about how they were waiting for that kind of relationship in their lives. My brother-in-law (never one to mince words) commented after my ex had dinner w/ my family, "wow, he really loves you. I can see it." And yes, of course I knew that the early months are the honeymoon period, but our attraction was more than superficial--we have so, so much in common and we think similarly about the world and the kinds of things we want to do with our lives--and he even assured me at one point that "well, now that you have your relationship set, you can pay attention to other things in your life..."

Nobody really gets what happened. Except Erin/doubleblade, who is convinced that he didn't want a 'real' relationship and that I deceived myself into believing what I wanted to. And Sheri/northwestwanderer, who simply chalks it up to him deciding we weren't compatible anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 1:02pm
oh girl I know what your going though! Im sorry that this is happening to you and to be honest it suck. in the begining of all relationship things feel right and perfect you see your future with the person. But just like you are not able to see the future you cant tell if things will lasted. thats in gods hand. I read your story and im writing to you because I want to give you some advice. as human when something is bad for you you go though pain. like when you get a cut or burn. the pain is telling you this is not good for you. So is un happy ness. if your not happy its not good for you. its just that simple. I was in a relationship for 3 year I loved him and he cheated on me.I found out just this summer. But I tried to make things work. but i just couldnt let it go. I was afaid to leave him when i knew I had to. Just looking at him made me sick because I never belived a word he said. I was afaid to have sex with someone new, but the most amazing thing happend to me. I met someone without even looking and Im im love and happier then Ive been in a long time. so dont be scared to leave. you dont know whats planned for your future and you may never know if you dont get rid of the scum bag your with today. lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 1:11pm

Thanks for writing. Just to comment on your advice that "when something hurts, it's bad for you." I agree. The 'hurt' came only when he pulled away--it was not because our relationship was bad or unhealthy. I've been in those before, where I was blind or in denial about lots and lots of pain I was going through. I've learned not to stay with jerks.

The very very hard thing about this relationship is that my ex was the new relationship that brought to light just how bad, hurtful, confusing the prior one had been. This ex WAS my new happiness, the healthy, wonderful, good thing that everyone talks about having one day after they've learned the crappy lessons of past bad relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 1:35pm
what did he say to you, exactly? my ex kept telling me he didn't want to break up with me. but, as soon as i said "i am breaking up with you" he accepted it and has tried nothing to get me back. the only thing he told me is, shortly after i broke up with him, was that he couldn't handle a relationship... even though i meant the world to him. i would love to see where he's at and how he's doing...if anything's changed...if his depression is worse or if he's been suddenly liberated from his mental prison. i may never know b/c i refuse to break the sacred "no contact" rule. so, yes, my mind is going in 1000 different directions. i really wonder, the most, what he is doing.. how he is doing.. and that i hope he's ok. and then i get mad mad MAD that he hurt me so bad. everyone bought into this relationship. and now i'm high and dry. and then i get sad and shed a few tears. how long will this last??

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