A note to the broken hearted...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
A note to the broken hearted...
11
Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:22pm

First let me say that I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been there and I know how gut-wrenching the pain can be. In fact, just 5 months ago I would spend countless hours on this very site pouring over each and every entry searching for something that would let me know I would survive the pain. In writing this tonight I hope I can do that for at least one person. At the very least this will allow me to finally close this chapeter of my life.

I had dated my ex for almost 2 years. I was madly in love with him and thought that we were going to get married and have a loving, wonderful family together (we had even picked out the names for our children). Our lives seemed so perfect – we had just flown home to spend the weekend with his parents and were excited to remodel the condo he had just purchased “for us”. We never fought, we laughed all the time… in short – I had no idea that my life was about to take a drastic turn. In a nutshell, he came home one day and told me he didn’t know if I was the one. I wanted to die. I was absolutely blindsided – I didn’t know where to turn or what to do, and it felt like I had to consciously make myself breathe or I really would die right there on the spot. We went back and forth about this for about 6 weeks (I want you back, no I don’t, I don’t know what I want, I think I want you, I think I might want someone else… etc. etc. etc). I finally told him I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him I didn’t want any contact with him, although I secretly hoped he’d come to his senses and beg me to take him back. I cried for hours on end, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I begged my doctor to prescribe xanex for me, and when she did I drove to the closest pharmacy to fill the prescription hoping that it would help ease the pain. I didn’t like the way it made me feel so after a few days I decided to quit taking it. The point I’m trying to make is that I felt that I had hit the bottom, I was desperately sad and was grasping for anything to help numb the pain.

Weeks went by, and then months, and I slowly started to feel like myself again. I found that I wasn’t crying as often, and when I did it wasn’t lasting nearly as long. I was eating again, and finally sleeping through the night. I even started to date again – the first few dates were terrible – I compared everything they said, the way they looked, the way they talked, to him. I honestly didn’t think I would ever get over him.

Well, I did. And I got the ultimate test of that today. A mutual friend called to let me know that my ex is engaged. Now, I’m not saying that it didn’t hurt me to hear this, and I’ll be honest and say that I did shed a few tears at the news. But once it was said and done I realized that I’m really ok. My ego is bruised but my heart has healed. And to think, I was curled in a ball on the floor sobbing over him just 5 months ago.

If there is any advise I can give it would be to live through your pain. Feel it, live it & don’t try to pretend it isn’t there. I really do think that’s the only way to get through this – you have to greive because this is a real loss. If you feel like crying then cry – and know that there is no shame in that. You will smile again (I promise), and if you open yourself to it you will love again too.

My heart goes out to all of you on this site – I know this is a painful time but you will get through it.

Best,
Michelle

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 10:03pm

Michelle,

Let me first say that you are a godsend for posting this message. I think there is nothing better than to let people know that what they are feeling is normal. I have been through all of the emotions over the past 2 months and it killed me. But you're right...you need to cry...you need to sob...you need to feel sorry for yourself...but then you need to get up and get back to your life.

I got the call today...from my ex...that he is engaged. Bad thing is that we just broke our engagement two months ago...he's been dating this girl for one month, and he thinks he's ready to get married in two weeks. Maybe this is his way of grieving (self destructive as i think it is)...but it's what he has to do. It's his mistake to make. Or it's not a mistake...who am i to say that you can't fall madly deeply in love in just a month.

I cried...I bawled...and now I'm ready to move on. There is no better closure than for your ex to get remarried.

The best thing about these boards is that you learn that you aren't alone. Everyone is feeling the same irrational feelings that you are. It also serves as a wonderful place for me to help others. That's therapy within itself...to let other people know that what they are going through is normal. Nothing helps better but to know someone who's been through it all.

I really appreciate your post today...as I'm sure others do. It shows everyone that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I never would've handled news like this a month ago the way i did this evening. I think I'm stronger because I've taken the time to deal with the pain, (although I would have wished that it would've been more than 2 months worth of dealing...), however, I'm stronger than i was last month, stronger than i was last week, and stronger than i was yesterday...and i will continue to get stronger.

Thank you again for your support.

~jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 10:44am

Jen,

I'm so sorry to hear about your ex. It's amazing to think that there really are other people out there going through the same thing you are - even when you feel so alone. You sound like a really strong woman & I'm confident you will not only get through this but you'll find someone who is SO much better for your than your ex. When I think of the love I had for my ex I also think about this - if it felt so good to love the wrong person, imagine how amazing it will feel to love the right person.

Stay strong & know that as cliche as it sounds, everything does happen for a reason.

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:43am

Michelle,

Thank you so much for your reply. That is wonderful advice..."if it felt so good to love the wrong person, imagine how amazing it will feel to love the right person". Let me just say that it put a smile on my face.

All of my friends say I'm handling this so well and I'm being so strong. I don't always feel that way, but I'm glad that I am.

The two things that I always try to say to myself are, "everything does happen for a reason" - and I truly believe that; and "this too shall pass".

Thank you again for your help and understanding...you've been more of a help than you will ever realize and I'm sure I'm not the only person who believes that.

~Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:20pm

I appreciate that advice too.

A little over a month after my ex-fi called off our engagement and we broke up she told me she couldn't imagine me being with another person and if I do so not to let her know b/c it would hurt her more than she could imagine. For her to start seeing one of our friends two weeks after her plea and for the most part rubbing it my face in it has made me quite angry.

Although it fired up my emotions, seeing her actions has helped me gain acceptance that she was not the one for me.

Michelle's post about imagining how amazing it will feel to love the right person was like a deep breath of fresh air. That put a smile on my face too,... a big smile! Thanks, I needed that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 3:38pm

Eddie,

I agree with you...that quote from Michelle made my day. I never thought of it that way, but i'm glad that she said it. Makes me feel like i am strong enough and things will definitely get better.

I don't know if you read any of my other posts to others, but my fiance and i broke our engagement about two months ago, and not only has he gone out with a new girl, but after only a month with her he called me to tell me that he's marrying her in two weeks. Talk about a stake through the heart! But you're right...those types of actions just go to prove that him and I weren't meant to be together from the beginning...or else it wouldn't have taken him 6 1/2 years to propose to me.

Everything happens for a reason...

I wish you the best eddie...it was nice to hear from you.

~Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2005
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 12:04am

Yeah! All I can say is THANK YOU SO MUCH for that quote, it too made my day....We over analyse our ex's and what we love so much about them when all they do is shatter our hearts... and to think about loving someone who is right who would never hurt us like that is light at the end of the tunnel! Thanks everyone, your posts help in ways you wouldn't even imagine!

Ella

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 1:29am

I;ve been crying on and off for a week now which I guess isnt that long for a 4.5 year relationship. I love him...will always love him but I am wondering why (besides the many ways I try to distract myself) that I dont want to cry anymore especially after such a short peroid of time? Is it because I realize it wont work? Or maybe becasue I am not bitter towards him? Or maybe (Im leaning towards this one) I just feel relieved that a huge burden hasbeen taken off my shuolder? Im just curious what am i going thru right now?

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 3:44am
So sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. Believe me, whatever you are feeling is normal. When my ex and I first broke up I would go through periods of absolute agony then a numbness would take over where I felt like I was ok... then the crying would creep back in. You probably do feel relief that the relationship is over if it really was a burden. Believe me, your emotions will run the gamut - and that's ok. Don't worry that what you're feeling (or not feeling) isn't normal. Everyone deals with break ups in their own way. As long as you are being true to yourself and your feelings you'll continue to heal and move on with your life. Best of luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 12:35pm

There will be ups and downs. I went through a time when I thought I was handling everything way too well! It surprised me...then I would find myself crying uncontrollably again. And this is normal. I too felt sadness because he was my best friend...we shared everything! But then again, I wasn't happy in a relationship with him. So you're feeling those feelings of missing him as a friend, but at the same time, you're also feeling relieved that such a horrible time is over. It's like they call it, a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I know I often miss telling him how my day was, etc., but then there are times when I think to myself, "I'm so glad that I don't have that baggage anymore...that I don't have to answer to anyone about where I am or what I'm doing"...and it's a huge relief! You'll go through all the stages...and it's normal. And the minute you think that you've finally got over it all you'll find yourself crying uncontrollably again. The good thing is, those crying fits become fewer and further between....and it will get better. I promise! :) Write anytime...

~jen
jenttifer@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 1:13pm
Michelle, Thank you so much for your post. After knowing/suspecting he was cheating on me for 4 months, and confronting him and her, and spending another 2 months trying to work things out, I finally went the no contact route last night. It is just too painful to keep getting hurt by this man that I care so much for. So last night found me curled up on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out. I guess its a start. And it feels great to know I'm not the only one that has been there. I know there is a better life out there, I just have to get past this hurdle. Thanks for the encouragement.

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