Driving myself CRAAAzZzYY
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| Tue, 03-01-2005 - 1:05pm |
Man I am just going bezerk here. I'm midway through week 3 of no contact and it's going well. Except for one little thing...I can't stop checking up on him on IM!!! I have his buddy blocked and off my list, then I'll add it back on and unblock it to check his away message or whatever...if it's up I start analyzing what it could mean, if it's not then I spiral into "who is he talking to!? what is he up to?!? is he talking to the toxic sow again! why hasn't the jerk IM'ed me even though I don't really want him to and he's respecting my wishes to not contact me!!?? what is he doing online so long?"...then I'll realize what I'm doing to myself, re-block his IM and take him off my buddy list...wash, rinse, repeat.
I'm driving myself nuts!! I keep wondering who he's talking to...b/c I am, unfortunately yes, STILL insanely jealous of the toxic sow. Or any other girl other than myself that he might be talking to with romantic interest, for that matter. And it has only gotten worse now that we're broken up b/c he's NOT mine and he CAN do and speak to or romance ANYONE he wants. (as could I, but still...) And it MAKES ME MENTAL b/c I'm still in love with the stupid jerk. *pant* *pant* *pant*
And I'm already starting to stress b/c next week is his b-day and I know he's expecting to hear from me around then and it will hurt his feeling if he doesn't but I...I just don't think I can. Which makes me even more crazy. He's on my mind 24/7. And I have more important things to do than think about him. Blah.

Hon...I have news for you.
You're not reviewing logistically the "timeline" of a breakup.
By he time he had told you "we're through" - he had emotionally left the relationship long ago. He had evaluated what it held for him, what he wantd in his life...he'd tried to rekindle previous feelings with interaction, he'd thought long and hard and made absolutely sure you were not what he wanted in his life - becuase it really didn't allow for his goals, potential, standards, and desires to met that he has for himself.
He didn't pop his eyes open one morning at 6am and while brushing his teeth have a random thought of "I'll break up with Janie". And so he proceeded to pick the phone and do it.
By the time he ended it - he was emotionally about 10 miles further down the road than yo emotionally, he'd already determined you were not what he wanted or needed or desired, he had quite probably had that realization as a result of looking around at other people and situations and having 'yearnings" that weren't present at the beginning of the relationship with you.......and so he has very literally moved on in terms of light years - towards healing and on with his life.
The first time you heard "this is over"....that was the first moment that you had to stop thinking about "our future" and stop planning and preparing for it and what it meant toyou and how you had it envisioned and defined. You hadn't restructured your schedule or goals or interests so that you'd have a full slate calendar by which to enlighten and improve yourself on a personal level. To redefine your path.
So he had literally "move on" by the time he let you know he wanted to end it....and you're still in the phase of grief....whereas if you think of this like a death...he moved through the phase of grief, to denial, to anger, to acceptance...and he is there right now.
You're in the stage of anger/denial....and you fluctuate between those two emotions and perceptions.....but that is not yet to acceptance.
That is why "no contact" is not a solution. It's simply the timeframe that you give yourself to restructure YOUR life in a more self-prioritized, adn self-identified way. It's like the "sprint" that puts the distance between you and your competition in a running meet.
It's not meant to be permanent...it's not meant to be considered "the solution".......because you will very likely come into contact with this person again in social settings in some way. When that happens......if you're totally "back to square one"....all you're doing is serving time in the prison of "no contact" - and that prison has no parole or release date by default of time served.
Time must be well-spent in the period of no contact...for no contact to be serving its purpose in your life.
and to drive he point home.....unless he's a cruel and immature man, he won't be devastated not to hear from you on his birthday, if contacting him would cause you upset. He likely is not considering contact from you either way to be of importance on that day, if he's considered it at all. Only immature and insecure people want you to "contact me for my special events" - even if it causes you grief. They like knowing you "care and want some undefined something" - while they twist the knife letting you know they don't want you.
nd truly people that have moved on and are mature and secure would accept contact if you offered it becuaseyou were emotionally prepared and ready....while never "expecting" it. They wouldn't take responsiblity for your feelings as a result of you contacting them. They wouldn't reciprocate in kind unless thier values required it. Matureand secure people can't be "emotionally manipulated".
You see, mature and secure people don't have lots of "expectations' of other people. They don't hinge their happiness, success, security, or identity on the actions of other people at all, becuase they know they don't control them.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin
You are, as usual, a voice of reason and wisdom in these crazy little rantings that I post. I know he is much farther along in "the process" than I am for exactly the reasons that you state...which sucks. And when I say "he expects" to hear from me...well, that's not quite accurate. I know he would LIKE to hear from me and that he'll probably be a little sore if he doesn't (b/c he loves me and I'm his friend regardless of what's going on right now) but...it's not going to be even remotely close to the end of the world. I know he'll totally understand what's going on and continue to wait patiently for me to get over him while living his life. He is, quite obviously, a much more emotionally mature and secure person than I...which is something I think I knew anyway. He always said that I reminded him of himself when he was my age...impetuous, stubborn, intense and emotionally driven...
As for "no contact"...yeah, I know it's not a solution...I'm FINALLY getting to the point where I have been able to begin to restructure my schedule, and life, to "make-up" for the loss of him (for lack of a better term) and I am also starting to pick myself up again and re-focus on all the goals I had BEFORE this relationship became my "goal." So I think I'm on the right path. And I feel like, eventually, I will be able to get back in touch with him....I'm just impatient as hell and want to fast-forward to that time when all is as it should be. Ah well. Just taking it day by day.
HEre's the BEST gauge to know when recontact for you will work.
If when you contact him...and in hearing about his life he tells you that last week he dropped to one knee and proposed to the woman that he's been dating for one year, and as a friend he'd love to invite you to the wedding and reception...if you're prepared to hear that from him with gladness in your heart for him - you're ready to reconnect with him as an equal.
It's okay to be sad that he's marrying someone that isn't you...but if you can't truly be happy for him, dance at his wedding, and raise your glass in a toast to his new life - you're not ready to interact with him....you'd simply be interacting with him to "see where you stand"...using him a gauge of your acceptibility and worth.
Friendship - I want the best for you as you determine it to be. It is an honor to be affiliated with someone of your character and caliber.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
As a side note:
Erin/Doubleblade, I read your discussion w/Course11 and I'm trying to figure out for the life of me what is driving my "missing" the relationship w/Ex. A very large part of me is like "Oh well, that's life, lessons have been learned, moving on..." and another huge part just simply misses HIM for who he is (the man that I love, respect, admire and adore), but I know that I'm missing a piece of the puzzle here b/c when I was in the relationship there was something that I grew to "need" from him. A need that I didn't know that I "needed" before I was in the relationship...if that makes sense. How do I figure out what that was, concretely? How did you become "the man in your life" (I think that's how you put it)?
See...while I can see that the "if he called me up and told me about his impending marriage" scenario might be a good gauge for others...I'm really not sure it is for me, because I can say with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that if he called me up right this second and told me as much I WOULD be elated for him and I would go dance and be merry at his wedding and celebrate the fact that his heart has found true happiness...because I love him with all my heart and really and truly do, beyond my pain and selfishness of the moment, want what is best for him as he deems it to be. Yes, of course, I wish that *I* was the best for him, but I'm not, so as much as it hurts, there it is. So, given that scenario, I would, without hesitation, be unselfishly and deeply happy for him. I told him as much when we were breaking up...and I meant it. Still do.
I guess...what continues to break my heart over and over again is that I am in love with a man that I love so deeply and profoundly as a person, as my friend...I've never felt this way before and I don't know how to reconcile my unselfish love for this man who is a dear and wonderful friend, with the pain of being in love with this same man who can't return those feelings, as much as he wishes he could. This time that I am taking away from him is...to learn to stop being an emotional manipulator. To learn to accept his feelings towards me as they are, without trying to "make" him feel the way I want him to. Because I can't. Period, the end.
It's messy.
Edited 3/1/2005 7:26 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
Hey, I know how you feel...I used to do the exact same thing. I would constantly check my ex's profile and away messages, hope that he would IM me, wonder if I should IM him, etc. It was TORTURE...and the worst part was that I was doing it to myself. Nobody was forcing me to check up on him, to read his away messages that usually said he was with his new girlfriend, etc. I knew it was causing me pain and delaying me from healing, yet I kept doing it.
But I eventually came to my senses and stopped. I don't know why exactly...I think I had just reached a point where I had had enough. I was sick of being sad and feeling like my heart was being torn out every time his away message said he was with her. It killed me to see "I love you ----" in his profile when it used to say something about me. It took some time, but I finally had enough...and I haven't looked back since...
I took him off of my buddy list and out of my phone. I haven't even bothered blocking him because it isn't necessary. I am now strong enough to not IM him, or check his away messages/profile, or to respond if he IM's me. He has contacted me twice since I started NC and I'm really proud of myself for not responding. The thing is, I realized that I was only causing myself pain by doing those things...and even though it hurt not to know what he was up to, the pain I felt from checking up on him was far worse than not knowing. After all, what we don't know can't hurt us, right? Sure, sometimes I felt curious and wanted to know what my ex was up to, if he was still dating his new girlfriend, etc...but I knew it wouldn't make me feel any better.
I learned to take care of MYSELF. I stopped doing things that caused me harm...and you will reach that point as well. Eventually you're going to see that what you're doing is only preventing you from fully healing. It may not seem like a big deal, but even little things like checking away messages can hurt you.
Someone on this discussion board (I forget who) once said to me, "it's time to stop checking his away messages and put your own up for other people to read!" They were right...it was time to go out, have fun, and move on with my life. I can't even imagine talking to my ex now...I have absolutely nothing to say to him. Of course, your situation is different because you still want to be friends with your ex...and that's fine, but you need to take the time to heal first. Nobody's saying that you can't be friends sometime in the future, but you need to give it some time and space before that can happen. If he cares about and respects you, he'll understand. As for the whole birthday thing--I also had a really hard time deciding whether or not to contact my ex on his birthday (it was in October, before I started NC for good). Everyone on this board told me not to, and I didn't...but a few days after, I felt bad and gave in. He responded, but let me tell you...I just felt a whole lot worse. It didn't change anything between us; I got really sad thinking about how he didn't even care that I hadn't been with him on his birthday. Basically it just reaffirmed the fact that I wasn't ready to be his friend yet.
I noticed that you said you WOULD be happy for your ex if he called you right now and announced that he was getting married. Look, that's really nice of you and I'm sure you meant it...but do you honestly believe that? Maybe you'd be happy for HIM...but you'd be incredibly sad for YOURSELF, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You're still in love with this guy, and until you're over that, you shouldn't try to be anything to him right now...you'll just get your heart broken over and over again.
Take care of yourself; it really does get better with time. Good luck <3
Oh hell yeah I would be sad for myself, are you kidding? He's a total catch! :-) Hence the duality of my emotions..."friend Eeyore" says something like: I love you, go be happy and free!...while "in love Eeyore" says: "Oh god I love you and this sucks ass."
Anyway, thanks for your support. I really appreciate everyone taking time to read through my rantings. Don't worry, I'm not going to contact him until I'm ready. And that won't be for a while. Honestly, I dread getting in touch with him and the thought of doing so makes me queasy. I don't want to stumble right back to where I was over a month ago (wow!)...which was not a very happy place to be, to be perfectly frank.
BAsically, you need to be everything you want and need - and whatever traits and qualities you admire in a man - become them.
You cannot desire what you "need" and rely on someone else to provide.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
so, even though i REALLY should be working on my assignment due tomorrow ... i decided to scroll through a bunch of the messages on this board nonetheless!
so i found this message from eeyore and i thought it was hilarious. its SOOO TRUE.
i finally decided to block my ex. but then im wondering if hes online and id add him on anyways. and if he wasnt on, im wondering what he's doing and who he's with. and if he's on, im wondering who he is talking to. then i feel myself go absolutely nuts and decide that i must reblock him. then one hour later - i find myself seeing if hes online again. prior to that, id set my online name with hidden messages behind it. id leave my status online all day and be so dissapointed if he didnt message me.
its a STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID game.
and ive been down this road too - this is the second time we've broken up!! ironically, i used to be one who'd dish out advice and reaffirm that it does get better! but, now that im here yet again - i find myself back to square one (although a BIT better this time) - but still, im here :(
anyways - just thought id drop a "quick" note regarding how its definately amusing AND comforting to know that im not the only "nutty" person out there right now :P
best to all,
eeksj