New kind of sadness: missing his friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
New kind of sadness: missing his friends
3
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 1:15pm

It's a bad, sad day for me. It's snowing out so I decided to work from home (mistake #1). As some of you know, in December I moved to my ex's city for a great job. I know this city, have lived here for many years...it was a good decision apart from the relationship.

But I now work for a very small firm. Many of my college friends have moved away, so even though I have friends (and family) in the area, I do need to rebuild my social network.

Socializing, of course, being one of the things that helps you get through this kind of grief.

Today I've been thinking about many of my ex's friends, who were simply wonderful, fun people that I truly enjoyed spending time with. Personable, funny, engaging, rooting for us people (though that's a moot point now)...

I have this new sense of loneliness around the fact that I am wishing I had more of these kind of friends to call my own. Don't get me wrong, my friends are fine and I love them, but there was something really fun and relaxing about his friends that makes me miss THEM too. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 2:47pm

I'd wish for you - what I got for me a reality.

I went through 4 marriages in 14 years, dragging a child along for the bumpy and hellacious ride. Every time seeking what I didn't have.......with the first one excitement and intrigue (so he dealt drugs and was a thug - oh, that's excitement and intrigue when you're a sheltered 17 year old).......to teh second one who represented stability, security, solid foundation and value oriented living (which appeals when your whole life and future has been upended by the previous involvement for excitement and intrigue)....to the third one who represented sophistication and societal interaction (not that he was well-connected - but he was at least social and had family/friends vs. the other two) which this appealed becuase all that sedate, isolated, secure living was now considered a prison.........and to the fourth who was prioritized because he held a job and appeared to pay his bills despite living in squalor and at a poverty level - becuase the sophistication and societal interaction had worn thin in light of me working two jobs to support us in teh previous marriage while loosing everything I had "eanred" - either the hard or easy way!

At the end of the 4th marriage.....a broken person in terms of having no options, no potetial, no future, no education, no opportunities as I viewed it - I realized I had always gotten into a relationship prioritizing what I didn't have for myself, assuming I could never provide it for myself. But yet at 33...with no education, no profession, no interests, no good reputation, and no option...I was no longer able to benefit or convenience someone enough to convince them that being with me was even quasi-desirable.

So, I set out to become "the man I wished i could meet, the woman I most admired, the daughter my father had been alive could have respected for her actions, and to become someone that I trusted, admired, accepted, and respected becuase "I was all I had".

Fault/blame had been a solution, justification, and excuse...and it left me alone with the failure of my life to pick up the pieces, butonly if I were willing.

I found in the long journey towards myself since I had run long and hard in the opposite direction...that I needed or wanted all teh things I had gotten with other people to have as a "quick route" to that reality in my life. I took the more arduous and longer route the second time around - but it ahs "stuck" vs. being transitional and fleeting and conditional.

If you are without roots, purpose, goals, and standards...if you're without friends, family, interests, and pursuits that allow you enlightment and empowerment....if you're without a source of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-renewal and self-identity and fulfillment and expansion - no matter who fills a role, a slot, a timeframe, or a need - it will never be "enough".

Allow what you crave and "miss" to be the beacon calling your name - so that you develop for your own purposes and reasons, the alliances and interests and pursuits and possess that which makes you complete.

From that position, you'll be much more objectively discerning about partnership and people.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 3:07pm

Thanks, Erin...I guess the question now is--if this is a beacon--how to find these kinds of people for myself?

I've heard your story before and I am amazed at the life you have been able to create for yourself. I have been lucky to have avoided some of the pain and lessons you had to learn first-hand.

Namely, I do have roots, purpose, goals, and standards...friends, family, interests, pursuits etc. However, in the face of losing this relationship, they feel hollow and empty right now. Plus, some of them are physically 500 miles away right now--so, hard to stay engaged even if I wanted to!

My ex was someone who added to my life...he was not a replacement for any of these things and my happiness existed apart from him. Still, I felt that I had applied every possible lesson of past bad relationship decisions to this one and had (naively) assumed that I would not get hurt this time around. I was careful, or so I thought, and I let myself believe that God had finally blessed me with a solid, healthy, happy relationship.

Hence all the awful feelings that go along with abandonment, the loss of interest in things I used to enjoy, and the desire for things (and people) related to that time of happiness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 3:19pm

I'm not sure that I can explain this without face to face interaction and a pencil and paper.....but if you need to -grab a pencil and paper and draw what your interpretation of my words...that might work and if not - email me.

Selfish people - immature, insecure, incomplete......envision a planet, with alot of other planets......and your planet revolves around tehse planets. Yes, you're an individiual entity - but you have no "orbit pattern" without revolving around these other people or involvements. in short - if all those planets suddenly disappeared out of your universe....you'd be "lost" as to what to do or how to rotate so as to remain gravitionally attached to the planet.

Mature, secure, complete, self-focused, ware and responsible people - are often considered "selfish" - but with appropriate focus. They simply don't give up what they need - to someone else assuming this person will meet their needs. When an immature person comes in contact with a mature person - emotional manipulation won't work, and so the mature person is considered "selfish" by the immature person - that's just the FYI.

Now...a mature person's universe looks like this. They're the sun...within them is all the light, heat, temperature, atmosphere, responsibility and interestss they need. (they could be Hanks in Castaway and be content for a long time with a ball for a friend! They find themselves that interesting...and life that much of a challenge that allows them to expand their otential by finding out their limitations and abilities). Around the sun - all the planets revolve (those are your friends, family, interests, goals, etc.) IF one of those drops off.......oh well...and if they all ceased to exist - oh well. They add excitement and enhancement...but they're not "who you are at the core".

I'd recommend you to read "The Virtue of Selfishness" by Ayn Rand. It's a very short and enlightening book. Well worth the read, particularly since you've a little time on your hands. If you've got more time - also read Atlas Shrugged - if you haven't already -same author.

When people have asked why paddling a kayak changed my view of the world....there's lots of answers to it. But the base element is that once I started controlling myself in the boat and the boat as a result of my efort - it was no longer necessary to control the river. The river then became the conduit to take me where I wanted to go.....and I worked within its uncontrollable and unpredictable element without fear due to my skill.....whereas my entire life had revolved around controlling the unpredictable and uncontrollable "river of life' - so that I'd be safe because I lacked life skills.

So I could easily relocate anywhere in the world...and the day I'm not nearly as fast at kayaking as I am now...I will not stop the sport. The sport is simply the window to my soul and a venue to self-awareness.......I couldn't live without a river nearby since my most available "classroom" would then be unavilable to me.

I encourage to "find a kayak and a river"...of your own designation and choosing.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com