Are friendships worth it???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Are friendships worth it???
5
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 6:40pm
Ok, so I have posted here a few times and I need to as some objective opinions. This weekend, my best friend and her husband are having a housewarming party. The ex may or may not be there, with or without the new g/f. Anyways, this is my best friend, and I have been helping her like mad with everything I can for the house, and, the people at the party are who WE usually hang out with, not the ex. When I told my friend I didn't know if I was ready to do the whole socially polite show for everyone (she really doesn't know if he/they are coming or not) she acted like I was being ridiculous. She really thinks that I should go regardless if he's there or not, and just ignore him. I don't see how I can. I know in my heart I'm not ready to see them together in a social, drinking situation. I guess what I am wondering, will everyone think as my friend does? Should I just get over it and "fake it till you make it" kinda thing? I don't want to go, but then, I have fears of the ex and new g/f breaking into the social group (which they really have none of their own) when the four of us used to hang out and do the "couple things" together. I know these fears are irrational, but, I feel like maybe I have to go to stake my claim to these friends. Immature, I know, if they are real friends, that's the chance I have to take, but I am really feeling bad about this and confused as to what to do. Please help!!! Thanks again, Cait
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 7:17pm

I see it this way....you just have to do what you have to do. If you think you're not ready to see your ex and his girlfriend amongst other people/old friends don't do it. It would be sad to miss the party for sure....but you can't risk your journey here.

Maybe your friend could call your ex and get a definite answer from him regarding his appearance. If he says he can't make it, then you're free to attend and not to worry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:01am

"I guess what I am wondering, will everyone think as my friend does? Should I just get over it and "fake it till you make it" kinda thing?"

Yes to both. Especially since this XBF may or may NOT be there and may or may NOT have his new sweetie with him. To not go to your BEST FRIENDs housewarming party is sort of rediculous.

What's rediculous about it is you are letting fear stop you from enjoying yourself. You're letting fear dictate where you go, who you see, and what you do. You are going to run into your X and his new GF sometime. Don't you think it's better to do it in a large group setting, where you can ask this best friend to be your buffer, to keep it from being an awkward one on one? You'll have someone to talk to, someone to have your back, someone for support, someone to run interferance should you and XBF end up alone in the same area of the house. Much safer and less scary a situation than, say, running into him and his GF out somewhere with none of the above.

She's your best friend. If you can't go and be happy for her, be there for HER, celebrating in HER happiness because you are allowing yourself to be a volunteer hostage to your own fears, what kind of best friend are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:34pm
Why has your "best friend" invited over the man who broke your heart and his new girlfriend, particularly if he's not otherwise a regular part of your friend's social circle? I think it's time for you to find new friends, if they can't be more considerate than this. If you and he were both long-time independent friends of this couple, maybe that's a different thing, but your "best friend" is going to allow him to attend, possibly with his new girlfriend, despite your pain, even though your friend has no close ties to him? Incidentally, even if he's invited because he's a friend of theirs of long standing, it's polite to advise him that you're invited, too, and that they would prefer he not bring his new girlfriend to keep it from getting awkward. I've always done so if I've found myself the host in a similar situation.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:01am

I think it's mean for your friend to EVER tell you "you're being ridiculous". If you're not ready to see him, you're not ready to see him. If you don't feel you've moved on enough yet to see him with his new gf, then you are completely entitled to your emotions. I don't think it's "fear" driving your actions, just the point you are at in your own grieving process. Sometimes, if you do things before you are ready, it'll only serve as a setback, and who wants that??

I say ask your friend to request a firm rsvp from your ex. Then explain to her that you are not emotionally ready to spend time with him and his new girlfriend. You can "ignore" him all you want, but it'll be like ignoring a white elephant stuffed in the corner! I'm assuming your friend would not like to see you suffering, so ask that she understand, or at least accept your decision.

I'd also wonder why she would invite your ex. Very insensitive of her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:02am

Hello Cait!

OH MY GOD...what a situation, huh? I don't know what to tell you, honestly! I haven't been in that situation and don't care to be...anytime soon anyways......lol!

Someone said maybe you should have your friend call and ask him if he is coming for sure.... That's sounds like a good idea. Or since you talk with him you could ask him yourself? I'm sure he will understand it would be awkward for you both..?? Maybe you should even bring a "hot" date...lol....

Whatever happens let me know how things go.....I am thinking of you! Also let me know so I know what to do in the future! :) Take care, cait!

As Always,

hugs and kisses,

Michele