Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Question
4
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 5:25pm
Why is it so hard even when you're the one that initiated the dumping? In my case..I initiated it but it was an agreement somewhat, but why is it that us girls feel bad either way and guys don't at all? I almost wish I wouldn't have done it, cause it hurts like hell, but I guess I had just said enough is enough and did it on impulse, and people always say that when you're angry/upset your true self comes out. I just always look at him and I see him trying to improve his life for someone else, and it kinda makes me jealous, makes me kinda think "why didn't he care to do this kinda stuff while we were together"? I think he could have been a good guy if I would have just waited or gave him space or something, all my friends seem to think differently, they think he was always a cold hearted bastard, maybe they're right.. but why does it have to hurt so much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: xayshax
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 5:53pm

just remember that you did it for a reason.
maybe not now...but at one time...this is what YOU wanted.

i would take your friends point of view...love blinds people. sometimes poeple on the outside watching are more aware than the people actually involved in the relationship.

trust me. ive been the dumper once...and the dumpee once and it hurts 19 hundred billion times more to be the one who was dumped. because this was never what i wanted. not even for a second. and i still cant even look back on our relationship and think maybe im better off. because im not!!! i want to be with him...and he chose not to be with me....its rejection, and thats one of the worse kinds of pain.

i do get what youre saying though...maybe its cuz we're women....i initiated a break up after a 3 year relationship and i was hurting like major....maybe just cuz i hate change..i dont know. but now my ex boyfriend dumped me after 2 years and he doesnt even care. he really doesnt...when i called him its like i was annoying him...he loves that he made the right decision. why cant he be hurting for what we lost.... pffft. i dont even get his reasonings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: xayshax
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 5:59pm

I know how you feel xayshax. I definitely pressed the issue of breaking up in my relationship too and, for the first few days, I felt like a giant "d'oh!"...thinking that I had just totally screwed everything up, and if I had only waited it out instead of impulsively accosting him with my feelings, etc., b/c he's such a great guy and maybe he could've fallen in love with me if I had just stuck it out for longer...

But, honestly, though I hurt still and miss him (see my gajillion posts around here) I am SO RELIEVED to be done with the relationship. Being in a relationship with a man that I was in love with but who couldn't love me back was PURE TORTURE. All the "maybe he could have beens" can't change the brutal truth that he just wasn't, no matter how I felt or what I did...

I don't know if this does anything to help you, but when you get sad, just try to think back to how icky you felt in the relationship and what pushed you to the conclusion of "enough is enough." These guys, however much potential they have, have proven that they are not for us. I quietly thank my ex for letting me go and allowing me to move on with my life, grow, and ultimately become a better, stronger person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
In reply to: xayshax
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 6:59am

"Why is it so hard even when you're the one that initiated the dumping? In my case..I initiated it but it was an agreement somewhat, but why is it that us girls feel bad either way and guys don't at all?"

Same exact thing happened with me.......but it does hurt like H*** because he never really cared, so he might as well dumped me first. I stuck by him, hoping things would change for 6 months....couldn't take it anymore. We talked about it....he agreed that we should take time apart to think. That was 3 weeks ago ....I've not heard from him at all. I guess that gives me the answer.

I have begun to heal, though......yesteday was the first day I didn't cry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: xayshax
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:06am

"Why is it so hard even when you're the one that initiated the dumping?"

I know exactly what you mean too (read my post below if you want). I've been debating on whether to end things with my bf. For some reason I can't cut the cord. It's almost like if I hang on long enough and we're both miserable, he'll decide to end things and I won't feel so bad. Isn't that sad???

But part of me really loves him too, as dysfunctional as he is. And I don't want to make the wrong decision. What if we ended up breaking up and I regret it because I know we had a 3 month r'ship without really getting to know eachother well enough, or putting forth the effort, so we just kinda gave up?

Mia