Too well adjusted?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Too well adjusted?
4
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 2:52pm

Hi all! My boyfriend of about 4 1/2 years just broke up with me Tuesday. We'd lived together for over 3 of the years. I just want to say really quickly that this board is awesome and reading some of the posts here has really helped. I know I'm not the only person in the world who is dealing with this, and it's helping me feel like I'll be OK.

Now, his breaking up with me didn't come as a real shock. He had been acting distant and I sensed he wasn't happy with me or life in general. Then he disappeared for several days without letting me know where he was, which literally worried me sick. I knew that he was safe though and figured he was avoiding me (not that that was much comfort). So finally I caught up with him and he told me he was moving back home (2000 miles away). He said he was really unhappy with his life and needed to work things out. I was actually a bit relieved to finally know what was going on, even though it did hurt like crazy. I mean, he didn't discuss any of this with me - his unhappiness or his plan. I was the last to know. We did all that "you're great, no, you're great" stuff and chatted for a while and he took off to stay with friends until he leaves (I don't know when that will be yet).

I have thought about breaking up with him quite a lot lately, though I really wasn't ready to do it. I figured we have been through a lot, we can try to get through this too. Isn't that what you do when you're in love? I know relationships aren't easy, and I wanted to try once again to work everything out. Pinning all of your happiness on one person is a huge mistake, one that neither of us made. He is not happy with his life, and I know I can't fulfill all of his needs. He tried to make it sound like I wasn't even a part of what he was unhappy with, but I'm not naive. I know I am.

At first, I was pretty devastated. I mean, we were together a long time and he cut me out of this decision and cast me off. I went through all the usual thoughts one would have at this point: Will I ever find somebody I connect with the way we did? How can I live here alone with all of these memories? Will he come back? Did he ever love me? Does he want someone else? Will anyone love me again? Will I die alone? etc.

That first night was wretched. I tried to keep my mind busy. I called friends, visited my parents, watched TV, wrote - anything to distract me. But it was still right there at the front of my mind. I didn't get much sleep that night. I couldn't eat and my heart was pounding out of my chest. I felt hopeless. The next morning was worse. I was all alone in our (now my) apartment with this feeling of having a huge empty hole in my life. Then, I typed in "breakup" in a search engine and looked at a bunch of sites and message boards and was greatly comforted that I wasn't alone at all. I started thinking about how much I have to look forward to. I may be getting a new job that's much better than my current one. And being single, I'll have time to take up hobbies I'm interested in, get back into writing, reconnect with old friends I've neglected during the relationship (not his fault at all, that was me), maybe volunteer somewhere and attempt to get back into shape. Plus, I have a feeling that once I get used to it, I'll enjoy living alone. I've always been an introvert and I've never lived alone. I really think it'll suit me. Plus, I won't have to spend as much on groceries and I can buy whatever I want to eat. And the apartment will stay cleaner. Oddly, my self-esteem is at an all-time high, so I feel pretty good about myself. I think I'll be able to meet someone once I'm ready to date again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still having trouble sleeping. My heart still feels like it's going to pound out of my chest and I get waves of nausea. All the good things I'm thinking are just layered on top of and usually drowned out by thinking about him and us. I was pretty proud last night. I hung out with a friend and at times I didn't think of it at all. I was even able to take a little nap on his couch. I came home and decided not to chance it and took some sleeping pills to be sure I could get through the night.

Still, I feel like I'm doing way better than I should. At this point, shouldn't I be laying around in sweatpants, eating Haagen-Dazs and crying? But I just don't feel like dwelling on it or wallowing in sadness if I can help it. Plus, I really had been seriously contemplating breaking up with him. I wasn't very happy either. Maybe that's why I don't feel so bad. I really do want him to be happy. I believe going home will be really good for him. However, I still realize that I probably should do the n/c thing for a while. Well, he still needs to move most of his stuff out and I have some things to settle with him, but I think I'll need time off after that. I really need to move on, and I don't want to waste my life being sad. I was always very sensitive and a few years ago, this would have killed me. I'm even surprised by this. But I've made plans tonight and for the whole weekend pretty much to keep my mind off of it.

I've rambled enough, so the bottom line: Because I'm not properly "grieving", am I setting myself up for a big fall later? Or is this normal? It just doesn't feel like me, but I don't feel like the same person I was four years ago. Maybe it's a new & improved me. Am I avoiding dealing with my feelings? I mean, I really did and still do love this guy. He was my best friend and constant companion for years. Trust me, it hurts. I think almost constantly about what went wrong and my unhappiness and his unhappiness and the weaknesses in our relationship. I'm dealing, but I just don't want to live it, you know?

Sorry this is really long. Thanks for letting a newbie rant!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:12pm

ohhhh my gosh. my posts never actually submit

i forget what i typed out...
basically i wanted to say i was sorry for your loss

and also i just wanted to congratulate you on how well youre dealing with everything... im on week 5 of my breakup and im still a complete mess and havent really thought of the positives yet. so id say youre on a roll.

youre right it may be so easy cuz it hasnt sunk in yet...but try to keep positive...and just take it day by day.. im sorry i dont really have any advice cuz im still hurting major. but try not to think it all might come crashing down... try to keep thinking that youre ok with it. and when you wake up each morning tell yourself that this day is all about you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:40pm
I think it's great that you're so upbeat about your break-up.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:03pm

Thanks to you both for the kind words. Unfortunately, I think I spoke too soon. I'm having a rough day. He had come and taken some of his stuff while I was at work yesterday and it really bummed me out. I was pretty angry at first, but now I'm just sad. It sucks that he still has access to me, but I don't even know where he is, or if he's going to even speak to me before he leaves, or if he's OK. I bet it sucks when you know your ex lives in the same town and you may see him/her around, but he's moving far away and it really hurts that he may not even want to see me before he goes. I guess I shouldn't expect much, seeing as he had been avoiding me and being distant leading up to this. I think at first I was just relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with the problems we had been having. But now, the thought of never seeing him again is really getting to me.

I really don't want to wallow, as I said, but I don't think ignoring this would help. I've been really good about keeping busy so far, but now I don't know what to do. The thought of sitting in that lonely apartment with all of the memories there is depressing. I've been hearing a lot about that book "He Just Isn't That Into You" (I think that's the title), and I've heard it's helpful. I was also going to go to a club tonight, but I just don't know if I'd be up to it. I wish the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was based on fact. I'd love to just erase him out of my head right now.

I guess it's normal to have good days and bad days. My family and friends have been really supportive so far. I still know I have a lot to look forward to. There's a lot of fun to be had out there and I know there are a lot of great things waiting for me. I guess I'll just ride this out and try to keep thinking positively. This is the way it's meant to be. I'm a great believer in fate, so I think this happened at this point in my life for a reason.

I came across a quote the other day that said something to the effect of, "The weight doesn't change, you get stronger." It was actually in some sort of exercise forum or something (lol), but I think it makes a lot of sense in terms of a breakup. It's tough to bear, but it does get easier. I know I'll come out of this a stronger person and the next guy who's lucky enough to date me will get the benefit of everything I will have learned. :)

Thanks for letting me get this out. I feel a bit better already. To everyone who's getting over a breakup, hang in there! You're not alone and it WILL get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 4:16pm

its weird to think that we're not alone.
i keep thinking that my pain is unique
i keep thinking NO ONE HAS EVER FELT THIS WAY
it hurts too much and no one has ever hurt as much as me.
of course that isnt true. people get their hearts broken every day...so it is comforting to know others know what im feeling.

i keep thinking about eternal sunshine too......is it worth losing all the good memories too though? its hard to say. but i think i would erase him. ANYTHING to stop hurting like this...

you know what? if you feel like you need to wallow. DO IT. rent girly movies and get into really comphy clothes with a big warm blanket and just let yourself be sad for a little while get a journal and force out your anger/sadness. it might make this worse...but it will get worse before it gets better. you cant just shut your feelings out...cuz it will come back to haunt you. just dont wallow for too long. set a time limit maybe....be miserable for 2 weeks then say thats it. and then start going out to clubs with your friends.

im not sure if i believe in fate.....my ex(ouch) boyfriend keeps saying "if its meant to be it will work itself out" but then he shuts out his feelings for me. i dont get it. he at first said "i cant talk to you in person cuz ill want you again" so he wants me that bad...but is shutting out his feelings for me. i feel like hes messing with fate.....