I really, really, really screwed up!!
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I really, really, really screwed up!!
| Mon, 03-07-2005 - 5:18pm |
Ok, so my ex came over a little while ago to drop off some money to me. I have really been in a funk the last few days, so I don't think this was the best time for this to happen (me seeing him that is). SOOOO, of course, I have so much pent up anger at him recently that I just let it all out. I cried, I told him how badly he treated me throughout and that he needed to acknowledge what he did to me. I really didn't mean to do that, as I don't want to give him the satisfaction to think that he still gets to me. He doesn't, not missing him and I, I am just at a loss for why he treated me so badly. I was wonderful to him, more wonderful than anyone in his life has ever been and he continually walked all over me. When I said that to him, and then I said I know the answer I am looking for, it's because I let you. He knew no matter what he did to me, how horrible to me he was publicly and otherwise, I would ALWAYS be there for him. He had nothing to say. Oh yeah, AND he told me that the money he got from taxes (I let him claim our daughter) facilitated him and his g/f moving in together. If he didn't get that money, it wouldn't have happened. Isn't that a great kick in the pants? He thinks he should be celebrating b/c they just "celebrated" their 6 mo. anniversary. And they have lived together for about the last five. That kind of gets me too, b/c he is giving this girl everything he would never give me, the mother of his child. BUT, I have to think, how stable is this relationship that they've gotten this involved this fast. Not my concern, I know, but these are things that have been driving me nuts lately.
BTW, yes, I am seeing a therapist, but from time to time, I need to vent here in between. Just wondering, did I tip my hand too much? Thanks to anyone who has any input for me. Take care - cait
BTW, yes, I am seeing a therapist, but from time to time, I need to vent here in between. Just wondering, did I tip my hand too much? Thanks to anyone who has any input for me. Take care - cait

to be honest i really dont think it matters what he thinks of you.
youre not trying to win him back... hes obiouvsly moved on.
so it doesnt matter what he thinks.
im sure he doesnt care what you think of him... so
just please try not to worry about it.
im sure the situation was a little embarrassing....but who cares. i hope you made him feel bad!! those were things you needed him to know..and now he knows.
and youre right...hes getting serious with this other woman pretty fast...and i know that you dont want it to work out, but unfortunately it might =\
So long as you realize that you're not going to get what you want from him, I don't think there's any harm done. It's done, it happened, move on. Not sure what you mean by "tipping your hand", though.
However, you do need to recognize that you are making a mistake in having any contact with him that is unrelated to your daughter or monetary issues. For example, as soon as he started talking about the whole tax thing and his gf, you should have cut him off, and kept the conversation strictly on your daughter or any business the two of you have between you.
Sheri
Hi Cait,
Just me again! lol.... So, how did the house-warming party go?
Sorry to hear you are still having a hard time....maybe it was a good thing that you got all your feelings out....well most of them out.
I know what you mean about the girlfriend still bothering you. I am in the same boat but have been accepting that my ex and I just aren't mean to be. I've been doing better. I wish you could get to that point too. I know some days are good and some are bad and it sucks. I don't have alot of contact with my ex though. He doesn't call about our son...he just came over sun. for the first time in 7 weeks to see our son...came with his mom and Dad but we didn't say much to each other. But that's the way I like it. I think this 7 weeks of NC has made me think more. It's better when we have no NC but seeing we have a child together we have to have some contact eventually.....it is so hard.
I hope you feel better soon ......I will send you some positive thoughts.......:)
Take care!
love,
Michele
I agree with cl-heidi_hibbit on this one! Don't beat yourself up!!! Get the anger out. You SHOULD let him know he pisses you off, and don't worry about giving him the satisfaction of thinking you care! Men don't think that way anyway. He's not doing it to get to you, he's doing it because he's selfish! You don't want to stay obsessive about anger, but GET MAD, then move on. There's always a place for it.
Anger is underrated. No one likes to get angry, its very uncomfortable, but its a legitimate emotion and one that needs to be processed in order to move on.
You go sister!
Look - he doesn't want someone that treats him better than he's ever been treated..he's comfortable being treated like waht he considers himself to be - crap.
Do yourself a favor........write down as best you can how many hours throughout the relationship that you spent "doing something for him" - not that benefitted you - but solely was for him. That had him on a podium, and you on a sideline and the ONLY way you'd benefit is if he said "thanks." nd then write down all; the money you spent - not on looking pretty or nice for compliments or so that he'd have sex with you...but all the money you spent strictly on "benefitting him" - where you gained nothing except his temporary allegience.
Until you spend that much time and money strictly ON YOU for YOU to reach your goals....you're not allowed to "date".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Wow Erin,... I changed all the "he", "he's" and "himself" to "her", "her's" and "herself" and that hit home with my situation. No wonder she always asked "How come your so good to me?" and "Why are you so good to me?". Yep, she's just comfortable being treated like crap. I got the feeling that she always thought of her self as such even though I'd try to convince her otherwise. I guess it was true.
Once she asked if I was purposely trying to be a dick to her some time after I had told her that I treat her like a queen because I loved her as one and that I know she's always been treated like crap prior to us getting together. I told her to get used to it, that I'd never treat her badly, I guess she couldn't.
If I take you advice about waiting until I spend the same amount of time and money on me for me as I did on her only for her I'm going to be single for a good little while, LOL. Darn.
I'd resigned myself to having to do those kinds of things for her just to be with her for the rest of my life, and had convinced myself it would just be a part of how things were and how she was. Nonetheless I was madly in love with her and thought I was happy. Damn, in retrospect I suppose that really wasn't fair to me, she told me that the day she called the wedding off.
Nonetheless I still feel alone and hollow without her in my life today, but things are coming into perspective and at least I'm having some good hours here and there. I'm ready for it turn into good days!
Word of advice.....you can make a princess into a queen.....but if you dress the scullery maid as a princess trying to make her into a queen...what you get is an ungrateful and often merciless in her violence and cruelty dictator.
Whatever level of success people have achieved in all regards...that is the level that theey're comfortable with and capable of. We often think "Oh, I want more"....but as Aristotle said "Any fool can be rich. It takes a wise man to dispense his riches to the greater good of all."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com