feeling blue...
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| Tue, 03-08-2005 - 5:10pm |
Hello again. Well, it's been over a month since the breakup and a month since X and I have spoken, and...well...things are worse than they were before. It's like...this relationship thing has become a festering wound. You know, the kind that starts out like any other wound, begins to heal, but then something goes awry, the wound gets infected and then gets worse. That's how I feel. I feel like I reached a very early understanding of what was going on, and accepted the brutal truth, but that very understanding and preliminary acceptance has made things worse as time has gone by. I don't know...I'm just...low. Very, very low and sad.
I saw my mom this weekend for the first time since Christmas and she said that I looked and sounded very defeated by the whole thing...I think that's an apt description. I feel like a fool for having given so much of myself to X...for thinking that the first man I chose, let in and fell for would be "the one"...for loving him still. I think about him all the time and I can't escape him--not even in sleep, as I dream about him every night. I keep myself busy, do other things, hang out with my friends when I can, don't check up on his IM anymore and yet...he's always there. And it's not that I want him back. I know that the breakup was the best thing for both of us...it just wasn't working anymore and was exhausting us both. But, all the same, even though I don't *really* want a relationship, I still want him. Guh. I don't know. I just feel like crap. I'm tired of all of this pain. I'm just going through the motions of life when I feel like I'm dead inside...I don't/can't even cry anymore (I haven't since day 3). I'm just tired of it all. Yep, defeated and deflated is right.

Okay....realistically speaking prior to meeting him and having all that flirtation, interaction, attention, communication, companionship...where you started expending yourself "for us and him" vs. you......how upbeat, how motivated, how supercharged about life were you to begin with?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I read this passage the other day...I wished I'd had it during times like yours. It says this:
Pain hurts, we can't wait to get away from it...that is our natural response...there is a final problem with pain, apart from the present misery that reduces us to inaction and humiliating impotence: when we are in it, we don't know how long its going to last. Think of the signs on the LA freeways: 3 miles to Fairfax, two miles to Fairfax, one mile...Where are these signs when we really need them? What we need is a signboard that says, 'Three years until you never think about this again, six months until it becomes bearable, two months until you have a two-hour stretch when it doesn't occur to you at all...' we might be able to stick with it then and go through the agony we have to go though. But, we can't count 'how many days' until we get over the loss...
The good news is that somewhere on the calender is the day when you will look back and say, "I didn't think about him once today." What I'm trying to say is not only that you WILL get through this, but that WHAT you are going through is not only normal and healthy, but demonstrates that you are a strong person who is processing the pain instead of running away from it. I don't know how long you were with your boyfriend, but there is no number of days in which you 'should' be over him, or 'should' stop thinking about him. I know for me, I feel like I'm being a wimp or a loser if I don't pick myself up IMMEDIATELY after a break up and MOVE ON. The fact is, it just doesn't work that way. If you don't go through this pain and process it in your dreams and discussions and thoughts, you will carry it with you forever and it will effect your future relationships. So, keep up the good work.
Erin
Oh, very. Seriously. I am "that girl" who has boundless energy, a real, passionate love for life, who is always genuinely smiling and who brightens people's day. Independent, confident, optimistic and content are how I would describe myself. Even with stress or setbacks or bad days or whatever I can *always* find something beautiful about the day. I'm quite used to being very happy and such, even when things go wrong (because, hey, that's the nature of life! sh*t happens.). The boy wasn't my happiness, he only added to it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still very happy with my life (a breakup isn't the end of the world, afterall), but now that I've found, and subsequently lost, love I'm finding it very difficult to get back to that carefree, totally confident and always upbeat girl that I was pre-boy. You would never be able to tell from all appearances that anything is wrong. To the outside observer, I'm still the same old Eeyore--happy, confident, secure and carefree. But now it takes a HUGE amount of effort to keep up those appearances, whereas pre-boy there were no "appearances" to keep up, I just "was." I'm still motivated, have my goals, am insanely busy (per usual) and am going on with my life...but everything is clouded by this horrible, brand-new, never-before-experienced, overwhelming sense of loss. Loss of both the guy I fell in love with and the innocent, somewhat naive and very happy girl that I was before all of this.
I guess I'm just not used to any of this. I've imagined my relationship and current situation as such (please excuse the long metaphor): When I was single I was just skipping merrily along the path of life, doing my thing and loving every minute of it. While skipping on the path, I met a cool boy, the kind of boy I had always kept my eyes open for but never "expected." Well he thought I was pretty cool too, so we grabbed hands and skipped together and everything was great until *WHAM* I smacked straight into a wall (i.e. fell in love). I was still holding this guys hand, but I was stumbling around, dizzy, unable to find my feet and I couldn't skip anymore, not like I used to. And though the boy tried to help me out and get me back on my feet I just kept thinking about that darn wall--why was it there? why did I run into it? why was it only on my side of the path and not his? Why is this boy trying to keep skipping when I'm still dizzy and unsure of my footing? Well, eventually, the boy decided that he just couldn't try to help me anymore and let go of my hand to continue down his path alone. So now, here I am, watching the boy disappear down that path without me as I struggle to pick up where I left off, now trudging along whilst hauling a huge chunk of that wall behind me.
Also, the other poster was right about how I expect that I should be able to just get over it and move on. I feel like an a** because I'm still hung up on this guy. I've never been one to dwell, and here I am, dwelling away like it's my job. Moreover, I feel like an a** and am angry at myself for "taking his hand" (to refer back to my little metaphor) in the first place. While, yeah, sure, it was a good experience and will teach me lessons about relationships and myself blah blah blah, if I hadn't I wouldn't be in the crappy crap emotional state that I am in now. I would still be skipping blissfully along. At the present time, I could not disagree more with the old adage "tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
Edited 3/8/2005 8:42 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
I have the same feelings you do. Just today I got into this funk. This blah state...almost numbness. It's like I don't know how to feel anymore. I went through the breakup....I got through him seeing someone new....I'm getting through the fact that he's getting married this weekend after only 3 months away from me and one month with her. I was angry...I was scared...I was upset, mortified, etc. and now I just feel numb.
Perhaps this has to do with seeing him for the first time yesterday...and having an actual decent conversation with him yesterday. Up until now it was all anger, hatefulness, bitterness, fighting, arguing, etc. and then yesterday it was as if we were two adults who love each other and are friends. But I couldn't help but feel this numbness this morning. Maybe it's just mixed emotions. It was easier when I hated his decisions, and now I don't know what to feel.
I don't feel like I can cry anymore...but it's as if I don't feel like smiling either. What is it that I'm feeling? And when will it end, more importantly?
I wasn't expecting this stage of my healing process. It almost hit me by surprise. I'm just not sure how to deal with it or what to do about it, all I know is that I don't like it.
Help me?
Oh eeyore, I think I've said this in response to other posts of yours but I feel like I could have written what you wrote. Last week I had a major meltdown, after things had been feeling sort-of okay for a few days (the breakup was 5 or 6 weeks ago now). I was in NYC working with a bunch of bankers and found myself bursting into tears in the ladies' room every half-hour (which created some real fun to try to pull myself together with my blotchy red eyes!). The previous night, I sat in my shi-shi hotel room in Manhattan sobbing my eyes out to my mom over the phone, feeling like the earth was a giant black hole and that I was sinking into it. I felt like I had come completely unhinged.
And, like you, I had been a carefree, confident, upbeat person before meeting my ex. Totally involved in my life, my goals, my pursuits, my friends. He was an addition to a full and happy life--we were two people walking down the same path in the same direction who happened to bump into each other--and how awesome was that?! I think I've been less successful about keeping up the happy carefree front since the breakup, but at this point I feel like friends are wanting me to get over it already so I feel like I need to get my face on (so to speak). This ex wasn't my first love, but he was the best person I've ever dated and he really seemed right for *me*. I bet you can relate.
I don't have answers. But I'll pass along something I heard tonight. Have you heard of the author Anne Lamott? She wrote Bird by Bird, Traveling Mercies, Operating Instructions, and a bunch of others. She's great. She spoke tonight at a local university so I went to hear her. She was reading a passage from her new book "Plan B" and the gist of it was that light can't shine where there aren't cracks. Cracks hurt. But where light can't shine, hope can't exist. Brokenness and hurting are the places where beauty and joy and peace actually take root. We can choose to close off our heart and put an M&M coating around it. But then we miss out on incredible beauty and incredible joy.
I don't know what beauty and joy awaits you, or awaits me. But in this moment of feeling absolutely lost and devastated, her words became a thread of hope for me. Maybe they will comfort you too.
I'm going to tell you something...who yoou are in what you perceive to be a condition of adversity - is really who you are and all that you're capable of as an individual without assistance and intervention by others.
So.....there is nothing wrong with grieving the loss of having someone to hold hands with, cuddle, kiss and think "anytime i have a problem in the world, I'll have someone to turn to".
But if that grief stops you from continuing on with your life...and forget the charade of "all is well, I'm the old me" - you're teaching people that you're incapable of emotional bond and so anything they say or do doesn't really affect you so just be as crude, crass, unfeeling, or lacking in prioritize of you emotionally as they care to be.
Love isn't a wall that knocks you dizzy.......that was "relief" from lots of subliminal issues and fears that you've got running around.
And that is why this is so devastating while you're an open wound - it's easier to see the issues and fears as they are for waht they are - before scars form over them.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
What you're going through is normal...
My ex and I broke up last May, and I stopped having contact with him in November. So it's been awhile since everything happened, but you know what? I still think of my ex. I have my nostalgic moments, even though I know that I'm healthier/better off without him in my life, not to mention happier overall. I would not take him back as a boyfriend OR friend. I lead a full life--I'm in college, have plenty of good friends, a great family, and I genuinely like who I am now and who I am becoming as I grow older. I am excited for my future.
But that doesn't mean that I don't still miss my ex at times. He had some good qualities, and I loved how easily we were able to communicate about everything & anything. He made me laugh, and tons of little things remind me of him...music, movies, tv shows, etc. Sometimes I wish that I could contact him when something funny or exciting happens to me. He was one of my best friends for a long time and I truly miss that aspect of our relationship. That isn't enough to make me contact him, but I still miss it.
For awhile, my issues involving my ex had a lot to do with my low self-esteem. I won't deny that I needed some help in that department; I had a lot of insecurities. But as I've been focusing on myself and doing the things that make me happy, I've slowly been building my self-esteem up. Like I said before, I genuinely like the person that I am. I'm proud of myself...I love myself now and it feels great! I don't think that missing my ex is the result of my self-esteem anymore.
He was an important person in my life; no matter what, I'm not going to forget him. I don't cry over him, or wish that we were still together...I don't even think of him that often anymore. I've met new guys and I'm actually going on a date this coming weekend with a guy that I've been interested in for awhile :) I've moved on with my life...but a part of me is always going to care about my ex, and that's been hard for me to accept. I've been through all of the "normal" breakup stages--denial, anger, grief, etc. But the most challenging and painful part was accepting that it was truly over. Everybody always says that it takes 1)time, 2)no contact, and 3)acceptance that it is over. I had the first two going for me...it's been a long time since my breakup, and I have stopped contact. I even understood that he wasn't healthy for me, and wouldn't be the type of partner that I want. But convincing my heart that I was never going to be with my ex again was SO difficult. I'm not going to say that I'm completely over my ex, but I do think that I'm well on my way. It's hit me just how final this is...I've never lost anybody that close to me, not even through death. So this was really hard for me to accept. Once I realized and finally accepted that my relationship with my ex was indeed over, I felt horrible--my emotions ranged from completely numb to anger to sadness, etc.
I guess I just want you to remember that it can only get better from here. I figured out that I basically had two choices: I could either accept that it was over and truly move on, or not accept it and delay my healing process, go downhill. But I've chosen to accept that it IS over, and that means I can only move forward...no more looking back. No false hope, no more games, etc.
Missing him doesn't necessarily mean that you're weak or suffering from low self-esteem. As Milton once pointed out to me, you can be a very happy person with a fulfilling life and still want more...you can still miss being part of a couple. You can still miss your ex. Just focus on yourself and give it some time...it really does get better and easier. I felt sad for a long time after realizing that it was over for good...but the more time passes, the happier I feel. Like you, I felt like I was just going through the motions...for awhile, that false hope I had of us getting back together someday was what had kept me afloat. But it wasn't fair to keep thinking that and I got sick of bringing myself down. I used to feel like I lost my only chance at love, but then I realized how silly I was being. I'm young, still have lots to experience, and I know that I'll love again. Whatever you do, DON'T give up hope. You WILL find somebody wonderful someday and fall in love again.
"Love comes to those who still hope, even though they've been disappointed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before."
"Loving someone is gonna hurt, and the sooner you let yourself feel that, the sooner you'll be able to love again."
Erin, not sure I understand your third paragraph. first you seem to suggest grief shouldn't stop her from continuing her life, but then you say that if she puts on the 'charade' (of continuing her life?) she'll teach people she's incapable of emotional bond. Teach which people? What exactly does a healthy grieving process look like to you?
I'm also wondering: are you reacting to how she described love (a "wall") to determine that she's got underlying fears and concerns? Or do you think anyone who grieves over the loss of someone important has underlying issues? Or is it that people who grieve over the loss of a relationship even when they realize it wasn't good for them, have underlying fears and concerns that they're not dealing with?
If I shine the light on myself, considering my grief sounds much like eeyore's, I have a hard time identifying my 'issues'. I'm not blaming myself for him leaving, I don't have self-esteem problems, and our relationship was a good one so it's not like I'm clinging to something bad (which I've done before and thankfully learned from!).
I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and defeated...i've been there myself and it can be a dark place to be.
My suggestion, and I mean this in a most supportive way - if you were with him for 6 months and you are feeling so down after a month of no contact...you may need someone to help you through this. I am in no way suggesting that you should've bounced right back and have it not affect you at all anymore, but you shouldn't be thinking of him 24-7, IMHO.
I have been where you are. I was almost obsessed, thinking about him with every song, every couple I saw and could barely move sometimes. I had pinned a lot of hopes on this particular person and I just felt beat down when it didn't go the way I thought FOR SURE it was heading. I felt sad, angry, frustrated, depressed, stupid...you name it. It took a professional and lots of support to get me through. I've also learned much through self-help books, message boards, and particularly Doubleblades advice to others. I'm still in the process, but I'm growing every day.
So, bottom line, you would not be the first, nor would you be the last, to seek professional help after a breakup. It doesn't make you weak, or silly, or bad in any way. I think it's actually a wise woman who uses all her available resources to become stronger and happier.
At the very very least, go out and buy Don't Call That Man, or He's Just Not That Into You - both validating, light reads.
Hope this helps.
Terri
There's rational you...and emotional you. They're not interconnected...and they're not necessarily in sync.
They're the "soulmates" of your world....and if they're out of alignment or adjustment - you're out of whack.
Rational you is for logical, rational, goal focused, self-responsible, intelligent actions, decisions, words, goal focus, planning and execution.
Emotional you is the component that allow you to "feel" in response to all the situations in life....while rational you determines which "feelings" are relevant to consider while determining a change in course. And it's also there to acknowledge all feelings as important - but none as calls to action.
In short...emotional you is the heart, if you will. The needs, wants, desires of your heart are choicesyou make, they're believed in and stuck with. They need not be rational or realistic and they won't be if you're immature, incomplete or insecure.
But the heart wants what it wants....and the rational mind is the method by which to get it.
Put it this way.......you want a glass of water - you get up and get it....did you want "a glass of water"....or did you "need to quench your thirst". How well you know yourself determines if you always think at the external and superficial level of "I want a glass of water"......or if you always think at the internal and existential level of "I need to quench my thirst. Want and need aren't the same thing.
Rational you....if it's dealing with the knowledge of "I need hydration"- in situations of adversity can come up with creative solutions. Rational you....if it's dealing with an insecure, incomplete, immature emotional component is only told "I want water - get me water". And therefore nothing but water will do - but water is perhaps not available within the realistic realm.
So you want a "relationship" - for one of two base purposes. You have either "needs" that you believe a relationship as an entity will meet and fulfill in your life and you're looking at the source of "relationship" as the only means of meeting those needs. Or you have "wants" that unless the rigth person enough like the great you that you're in love with appropriate comes along - you wouldn't want "interference or impact".
How in sync your emotional and rational selves can be is directly determined by your self-scrunity from a position of acceptance - not judgement or insult or condescension. Most of us have a "middle man" in between us and what we need. Very few of us have a middle man between us and waht we want..it's just to be just right and we've spec'd it out clearly or else it won't do. IT's a want, not a need - we'd rather have nothing in that capacity with what we've created in other venues....than we would "settle" for just anything to fill a slot or a role.
An "entity" can be a middle man. And quite often "relationship" is one. Have you determined what it is a relationship is going to do in your life, for your life, waht you're going to give up that is now existent in your life, what will be deprioritized so that YOU personally can remain complete and secure and independent in teh fundamental ways - while sharing yourself with someone - not divesting yourself into someone?
When you have assessed what "need" it is that you've got a relationship slotted to fill....quite often rational you can be intelligently creative and find other sources within you, or within your independent capacity to garner...to fill that need.
The second that a relationship as an entity isn't slotted to fill needs....then you can get very specific about what it is you want "in a partner".....and from there it is infinitely easier to know when to emotionally bond and attach appropriately....you won't do it by default of what has gone on within you - until this person IS who you believe them to be realistically and fundamentally....not you bonding with osmoene that you sincerely hope is all that you need them to be so that your needs are met.
As long as someone else is your problem......someone else must be your solution. That is a position of vulnerability and self-victimization.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com