for better or for worse, I'm in it now..
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| Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:23am |
Well ladies and gentlemen, I have re-established contact. Don't jump all over me just yet, here's the deal. I've been doing A LOT of thinking lately--as evidenced by my numerous posts. I've been thinking about what I want and need in my life and how to go about getting those things on my own. As far as intimate relationships go, the ex and I are done. Completely and without question. And that sucks in many ways but, to be honest with myself, it's not the "relationship" that I miss so terribly. In fact, I'm glad all that crap is out of my hair. I was expending so much energy and effort into the damn thing that my other priorities suffered...and when you're trying to finish a master's degree, hold a job and be a nanny that is NOT a good thing. While I may miss the perks of the relationship, I don't need them really. I have a fulfilling life and can do quite fine without those creature comforts.
What I do want, however, is my friend. I'm "okay" with not having him as my BF, but I am not okay with him being out of my life for an unspecified period of time. I want this man in my life as a true friend. I've been struggling so hard with myself because I've been trying to reconcile my selfish love for him (i want you to want me because I'm what's best for you, damnit!) with the unselfish love I have for him (i want what's best for you as you determine it to be, as Erin/doubleblade says). Well, ultimately, the unselfish love wins. I love this man for the person that he is more than I love him for how I "feel" about him. I admire and respect him, what he stands for...who he is. He is, and would be even if we hadn't *had* a relationship, one of the very few and precious people in my life who really...gets into my soul, if that makes sense. I don't "need" him, per se, as I've well discovered over the last 6 weeks. He adds to my life, rather than take away from it. So I decided to talk to him.
Now, all that said, I would like to say that I am not, repeat NOT, embarking on this lightly. I realize that it is *very* early in "the process" and I have to respect my own boundaries more so than ever before. I am ready to start introducing him SLLLOOOOWWWWLLLLLYYYY back into my life. We're talking the tiniest of tiny baby steps here. Establishing our new boundaries and feeling out this new "just friends" territory will take a whole lot of time. So, for now, I'm content with just knowing that I've re-established a connection. I AM NOT ready to see him, or take on full-blown friend status where we chat often and such. I'm still in the process of closing off the "M as boyfriend" files in my head and setting up "M as FRIEND" ones (actually, our little chat tonight helped that process along). Moreover, we've decided that I will be the one to "initiate" any contact for a while, as I want to set the pace and he "doesn't want to crowd me." I don't want to talk to him more than once or twice a month for the time being (which is, actually, about as much as I talk to my other friends b/c I'm so darn busy)...I just wanted to open up the channels of communication.
I think this is the right decision here. While there's always the possibility that I'm not doing the "right thing," unlike all those other times I made huge mistakes in my entanglement with M, I'm actually listening to my heart AND my head. I am actually aware of what I'm doing (whereas before I was acting off of pure, unbridled impulses whose consequences didn't occur to me until WAY later) and listening to the limits that I know I need to place on myself and him in order for me to get comfortable with this new situation.
Feel free to comment, but wish me luck!

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You said that you're listening to both your head and your heart...just remember that the heart takes awhile to catch up. I'm not trying to be negative here, but I do think that 6 weeks is a pretty short amount of time to re-establish contact with somebody that you cared about so much. I understand that you want him in your life no matter what, and that you miss him a lot...but I just want to remind you that true friendships last over time. Please make sure that you've given yourself enough time. It sounds like you created some wise guidelines/boundaries, such as you being the one to initiate contact, etc...but remember that it's very easy to get caught in a trap again. Make sure that you're not just using a temporary method to relieve the pain you feel...
Good luck. I sincerely hope you're making the right decision...
Hey KC
I just read your post to Keetee and I value your words of caution. I, myself, have some of the same concerns...the time issue is something that I'm dealing with b/c I've never gone through this before and, from conversations I've had, it sounds like most others "timeline" is a bit different than mine.
That said, re-establishing contact with M and such is not a panacea. Nor am I looking for one. Yes, I am still sad about the loss of my bf...but my heart has long given up that dream. It is what it is and I'm done agonizing over what it isn't. I may not explain this well, but I'm at a point where there is a definite split between M as my boyfriend and M as this new friend person...like he's two different entities: the one that exists only in my memories and the one that is real. M as a friend is a whole new person to me...one who is WAY down on my list of priorities, one who I'll have to spend time getting to know, one that doesn't have insta-access to me and one that I have no romantic interest in. By that same token, me as "his girlfriend" is a me that exists only in memory and so on. I hope that makes sense.
I know I could've "waited" a longer time to start this whole "getting to know you part deux" process...but, if I'm honestly ready to give it a whirl, what's the point? So he would "miss me"? Or realize how much I mean to him? Or "because I can"? That all smacks of game-playing to me and makes me uncomfortable. Who knows, maybe I am setting myself up for disaster. Obviously, I'm concerned I could be, since I'm posting here. Maybe I'll be on here a year from now warning other naive young things not to make the same mistakes I did. But...I think that fear of f*cking up will help me proceed with extreme caution, rather than just diving headfirst into a shallow pool. We'll just have to wait and see.
Edited 3/10/2005 10:12 am ET ET by eeyore_2436
you know what. if you feel this way then its something you have to do.
you will learn if it was the right thing or the wrong thing.... but if you didnt contact him you would always wonder if that was right or not. you will now find out...
i contacted mine the other day after about a week of debating..and even though it was hard to talk to him as only friends i feel it was the right thing to do. he talked to my friend again yesterday and told her that hes no where near ready to get over me, and still has all my pics in his room and would love to try again when we both grow as individuals. he also admires how ive handled everything and is shocked im still going out and having a good time, and he said he found that attractive and appealing... so yeah..basically knowing all that i will never move on. i totally think he will change his mind ina couple of weeks still..heh. im terrible. but i mean, look at the stuff hes telling people..
but anyway i think you feel pretty strongly about doing this...so you have to test it or else youll never know. its also a good thing that you have no intentions of getting back together with him.... but you know once you start talking that might change =( best of luck.
Well, first there are no "we' boundaries....there are your boundaries and only you can establish them or violate them....same for him.
Second, realize that he didn't wake up at 6am the morning you broke up going "I think I"ll break up today"....so if you envision 26.2miles of marathon - when he actually did the breaking up - he might have been at mile 4 with you physically where you two were in the relationship...but emotionally he was at mile 10 or 15 becuase he had "moved on" emotionally from this, he's disassociated his future from you emotionaly before he said anything to you. Probably for a period of 2-3 months at least...he had these doubts, he assessed his feelings....particularly in that previously you mentioned he said "you were like I used to be when I was younger (aka- emotionally less mature)".
So he had sat there looking at you for several months from an objective almost 'parental" standpoint - assessing if you as you are - are good for him based on his needs, his goals, his priorities. He determined that this relationship wasn't good for him. He was still kissing you, sleeping with you, taking you on dates, talking about "the future" (FYI - we're all going to have one and anybody discussing their future isn't automatically including YOU in it - just because of s ahsared discussion regarding "the future").....he was still "acting" like nothing was wrong - hoping that you'd change, or his feeligs would change, or seeing if he could restructure and reprioritize somehow so that he didn't lose what he likd about being with you - while elimniated what it is he considered negative about being with you.
So, if you want to start a friendship that is based on mutual admiration nd respect...wanting the best for each other as you determine it to be.....realize that means NO EXPECTATIONS about him or his behavior. He's not going to "watch for your hurty places" - even if he's a considerate guy - he can't. He's at mile 15 of the marathon, running strong, monitoring his pace and his physical condition, while motivated by the goal.
You twisted your ankle by at mile 4 where he broke up with you, and you've been sitting on the sidelines wondering if you'd finish, and you've picked yourself up and realigned your expectations of what is possible in this marathon of "relationship" and you've decide you do want to "finish" it...but now you can't possibly hope to finish it in the way that you originally started it (in a romantic relationsip) and you can't possible meet the original set of goals and expectations that you had when you entered. YOu'll have to re-enter another mararthon with those same goals and expectations nad another partner...if those are ever to be realized.
YOu want to be 'his friend" - that's great. Just realize that you two aren't in proximity emotionally to be able to relate to one another from purely objective and discerning standpoint. HE can with you......he ran up ahead long before he left you...he checked out emotionally what it would be like to be single, he probably was practical and realistic and realized there'd be moments that he was down and missed the comforts of a relationship...and he prepared to endure them, not holding anybody accountable for his feelings in those moments.
You need to be prepared to do the same....realizing he's much further down the road of "self-prioritized, self-focused self-aware and self-balanced than you are. It's not that you have to "catch up" per se....it's that you both need to reach the "finish line" of friendhship. That's a finish line he's going to reach long before you do.......and if he really admires you as a person - he'll be waiting there. He mmight even try to do "friendship" things - like come back on the sidelines of the marathon and cheer you on. Realize that when you see him on the sideline, you with a twisted ankle and walking, no longer able to realize your goals when you entered this race, yet you have to finish this becuase YOU SAY YOU DO.......that seeing him standing there cheering you on is likely to have a conflictive effect.
He's going to say "you can do it"...and he means it. If you see him - don't be too surprised if you either burst into tears because of everything that he represented that now is lost to you as you see it at this time of less than a balanced state....or if you don't get exceptionally angry at him for taunting you- flaunting at you what you can't have and where you're not...by standing there cheering you on. Ou'd interpret him as saying "haha, I'm finished, see, I did it, I beat you to the finish".
This marathon wasn't entered as a solo race...and yet it's ended up on. That is something everybody should prepare for in life in every way. A marathon is finished under your own power....no matter what. If you have a pace partner to share the exhilaration and the doubt with - that's great....but nobody is going to endure the muscular pangs that you have - but you. YOu're now embarking on a project that originally did not have this finish as a goal......make sure tha tyou've truly readjusted your goals, and have made those self-balancing adjustments as well - so that you can be friends......and not instantly just see that at one time all the characteristics you like - ow that they're not being used to gratify you - are his flaws and "why you don't think much of him."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
By "we" boundaries I meant not that we're establishing boundaries together, but that we're each establishing new boundaries individually that happen to be similar (new physical and emotional boundaries).
Erin, you're always such a help. Thanks. Though all of what you said about him being "further along in the marathon" than I am is very true, there is a component that I've neglected to mention up until now...that I too began to "check out" of the relationship before we broke up. The difference however, is that when I took some time to evaluate, look around, etc., I came to the conclusion that the relationship was what I wanted. But even when I came to that conclusion I think I knew that I was on my last mile with this guy, as much as he didn't want to let go of me, nor I of him. So, when the time came, *I* forced his hand. I told him to let me go, because otherwise I would hold on indefinitely (verbatim). Yes, I was surprised that he actually *did* let me got, but there really were no twisted ankles or anything like that. To fit it into your metaphor...I took a little water break, walked a few miles and watched him fade away. Sad, yes. But also a very good and healthy thing. Now I'm getting back to running again. At my own pace.
As for him not "watching out for my hurty places"...THANK GOD. That same sort of tiptoeing around our sensitive bits is EXACTLY what killed a lot of our good communication. I don't want, and have *never* wanted, that kind of tiptoeing--which is very different from consideration, as it's based in fear. The only expectation that I have for him is that he will afford me the same kind of love and respect that he always has and that I "expect" from my friends. Which he will, because he's cool like that.
And if he wants to "finish the marathon" and cheer me on, hurrah! It won't make me cry or get upset or think that he's taunting me...he's my friend, that's what friends *do*. The only person that I competing with in this race is myself. I'm running it for me, at my pace, for my own personal goals. In fact, the thing is, I don't see the "finish line" as the goal. I see it like I did when I was a competitive swimmer...that finishing will happen inevitably, the point is to do your best in the race. The point is to run, or swim, your best, for yourself. It hasn't ever mattered to me if I come in first or last, so long as I've done *my* best in getting there (which is something I forgot along the way).
As for those characteristic that "are not being used to gratify me"...well, I'm not sure what you mean here because I don't see any part of him or his character as "flawed" or as "flaws." I have not nor will I ever. I'm not saying that I think he's perfect, but just that I don't...I don't think like that. The particularities of a person are what makes a person who they ARE. They're not good, they're not bad, they just are. When you truly love someone you just...love them. Not "in spite of" their warts, quirks, idiosyncracies,particularities, "flaws" and what not, but because of them. That's what makes a person a unique indivdual. I have always thought highly of M--he's a quality guy--and I will continue to do so because of all that he is. Not because of "all that he does for me".
Have I perfected myself in a month? Am I running at the break-neck speed that I was before? Hell no. But I think those are both very good things. I've slowed down and am actually taking the time to work on myself. I have sure come a d*mn long way from where I was and I will continue to grow, on my own.
Edited 3/10/2005 1:35 pm ET ET by eeyore_2436
Hey eeyore, I'm rooting for you on this, I really am.
Still, when I look at your post from just a couple days ago and how down you were so very recently, I'm a little surprised and concerned at this transformation. Part of me wishes I could be where you are--if indeed what you're feeling now is truly what you feel down to the marrow in your bones--but I know in my case, I would only be fooling myself. That re-connecting with my ex would just be a way of assuaging the pain of not having him in my life now.
Only you know your situation, and I hope in your case that your "bouncing back" is the real thing. I hope that you don't get dragged back into something painful because emotions you thought were healed weren't and something with him dregs them back up.
Warm wishes and good luck!!
all I meant by characteristics.....all people "want what they want".
Stubborn - I see what I want, I aim my sights at it, I have no clue why I want it or what I'll do with it, but I will get there. Those people proceed down the path with no focus on the path and literally slither, scrap, scrabble, claw, kill, maim and wound anything out there that even upon initial siting inspires in them "you're trying to stop me from going where I want to go and will get".
Those people stand victorious, holding high the cross of victory - bruised, bloodied, exhausted and depleted - to look around and find the people and situations that they destroyed in their wake in their total focus on "what I want" - realizing "mm, what AM I doing to do with this ugly thing with blood all over it - it didn't look like this when it was shining on the mountain top when it was so far away".
they go oh well, discard it, trod down the back side of teh mountain walking away from everything they destroying, adn leaving behind them burnt bridges, lost opportunities, and squandered time.
They repeat that throughout life....they end up alone and lacking in success in every regard and venue. Stubborn people have no long-term focus - only short term needs.
Persistent.....Ah, I see the cross shining on the hillside and I must have that, the journey there would be so enlightening and empowering for me, and that cross is symbolic of some of my beliefs and it will be treasured for what it represents, not just what it is. Carefully that cross is pursued, although careful pursuit is often faster than full-bore sprint with no regard for safety of self and others, and it is achieved, and when standing upon the mountaintop with it in hand, still intact and fully functioning and clean, you find beneath you a plethora of people who helped you along the way, and who were inspired by teh method of your pursuit, and who wish to assist you should you ever need it in any aspect at all.
They repeat that throughout life.....and they're often working to find little moments of time for themselves, success and the obligations of it absolutely are overwhelming.
Put it this way...if often in your life you've heard "you're a stubborn little thing"...."I wouldn't wnat to come up bewteen you and what you want" and often those things are said with an air of lighteness so as not to offend initially and that you might "get the hint"...those people are telling you that the method you're using to apply the trait of determination is going to destroy you.
If often in your life you hear...."I'm not surprised you won the award, even though you have less experience".....I'm not surprised you got the job, even though no other woman has ever had it.......those people are giving you kudos for having long term focus with short term reaction ability that determination to be applied as an asset requires.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Maybe I'm an inveterate pessimist, but I want to sound a cautionary note. There is NO ONE person out there that you "need," other than yourself. There is no other person, external to you, who is necessary to your survival, your peace of mind, your growth, or your happiness. Plenty of people believe the opposite, but it's not true.
Other people serve purposes in our lives, and we appreciate them and enjoy them for the role they play. You really admire your friend for being smart, strong, and funny, but you spend time with her because she serves a purpose in your life - the opportunity to vent about work, to reminisce about school, to get advice about your love life, whatever. You love your child, and would do anything for him/her, but this love is based in instinct and also serves a purpose - you want to nurture life, you want to leave a piece of yourself behind, you want to create an environment of family for yourself, you want to share a child with a partner, whatever. You get something out of every relationship you have.
The world is populated with people, many of whom are just fabulous, and most of whom you don't know and will never interact with. You probably have a limited circle of friends and acquaintances, even preferred family members, with whom you routinely interact. And each one of those people serves a purpose in your life - they offer humor and support, they allow you to engage in acts of kindness and support, whatever.
Once people cease to serve a purpose in your life, they cease to be a part of your life. That's what happens with most human relationships, of whatever nature - in time, we "outgrow" them, because our needs change and those people no longer serve a purpose in our lives. Or, sometimes, we adapt to a very different relationship with those people because our needs have changed (think parent and child as they both age).
It is absolutely a mistake to believe that you "have" to have some one person in your life, or that your life will be irretrievably diminished and not worth living if one person disappears from it. Your strong desire, even need, to have your ex in your life as a friend sounds that note of desperate attachment that alarms me. He may enrich your life as a friend, and may serve a purpose as a friend. Maybe your relationship can morph to those terms, once it has ceased to function as an intimate relationship. But you should be very hard-headed and practical in your assessment of what purpose he serves in your life. Your rapturous description of how wonderful he is, as a person, is very other-focused. I'm sure he's great. That alone is not reason for you to continue your association with him. He needs to fill a need in your life that is not otherwise met. And you should ask yourself if an ex-lover is the best candidate to fill a friendship position, recognizing that there are many other people out there who will discuss music and movies with you, let you talk about your love life, and cry with you over disappointments in your life.
I'm also going to say something shockingly negative, I suppose - no one actually does "get you," down to your soul. In fact, the eternal frustration of the inability to really connect on the most intimate level with another person, who can never share the thoughts in your head or the filter of your experiences, that drives so much of human culture and religion, the effort to create moments of true communion in which two different people experience the same understanding. Arguably, most of our lives are spent in search of those elusive moments of real connection, when the person you're with (in whatever relationship) understands just what you're saying or feels just what you're feeling. But, actually, no one EVER feels just what you feel or understands just the way you do. Everyone seeks that experience, because it's lonely inside our own heads, but it's the seeking that defines human existence. We've all had moments of seeming communion with another person, and it can be gratifying and very powerful when someone seems to "get" us, but there's no one person out there who experiences life the way you do or actually thinks and feels just as you do. And there are many sources of that potential connection beyond romantic relationships (think acting, painting, marathon-running, whatever). The search for that connection is universal, but it would be a mistake to think you've found the only person with whom it's possible for you to achieve it.
You acknowledge it's early post-breakup for you. I'm saying, having been there, that there is a period in which you idealize your ex partner and overestimate the importance of that person to your continued happiness. This "he HAS to be part of my life" is a symptom of lingering romantic attachment, and not usually a sign of cool-headed assessment of the purposes he would really serve in your new life in which you're not romantic partners. He doesn't have to be part of your life. If he died tomorrow, you'd carry on. He can be a great, kind, wonderful person, but he still doesn't HAVE to be part of your life - he is part of your memories, and his outlook and association with you have contributed to subtly change who you are, so in a way, he always will be part of your life. But don't base your decision to be friends with him solely upon this impulsive "he's great and I need him in my life in whatever capacity" motivation that everyone experiences at some point after a breakup.
Hmmm...Milton, that's some serious food for thought. First thing's first though, Erin, I really liked your distinction between "stubborn" and "persistant"...I'm pretty sure that I'm persistant, not stubborn, as I fit your qualifiers for that--though it hasn't always been that way. Lord, I was as stubborn as an ox(!!) when I was a kid and into my early teen years. It sucked, got me into trouble and caused a lot of people a lot of heartache. But somewhere along the line that part of me grew up, as we tend to do, and the "unmanageable stubborn streak" in me became manageable and effective persistance.
Milton--your pessimistic outlook is appreciated and trust me, I'm listening. I *know* that I'm the only one that I need. I've known that my whole life. I'm a damn strong, independent, intelligent and resourceful girl and I don't "need" anyone but me. I forgot that during the relationship and *thought* that I "needed" an external source to validate me. Turns out I don't. As for the ex, no, I don't "have" to have him in my life. Should he fall off the face of the earth tomorrow or just turn around and decide that nope, he doesn't want me in his life, I will be FINE. People pop in and out of my life all the time (people that I care deeply about) due to the circumstances of life. But even though I may miss them, life goes on just as happily with them as without them. That's not superficial, it's just me knowing that even though we may not be in each other's lives now, we shared something *then* and I will always have that piece of them with us to treasure.
There are those precious few, however, that I do truly connect with on what could only be called a "deeper level" that I make the effort to keep in touch with, and stay "close" to, simply because I know just how rare and special they are. And they do the same with me. I would be shocked to hear if there aren't a few of those very important, very special people in your life as well. The reason why I keep them as friends and keep working at that friendship, instead of just letting time and space do their work, is precisely *because* of how much I value *them.* Not what they do for me, not what they provide for me, not because I think that "they're experiencing what I am" (which I don't think), but who they are as people and how we, as people, have bonded.
For better or for worse, the ex happens to be one of those people in my life. Though I have BOAT LOADS of acquaintances and "casual friendships," he is one of 4 people (who aren't relatives) for whom I would go to hell and back. When we met we instantly connected, not on an "oh I want you" level, but on a "wow. this person is going to be a great friend" level. We kind of just stumbled into being lovers and, unfortunately, it didn't work out. I don't think that means, however, that we cannot eventually get back to that original idea of being very good friends. So I *choose* to try for that. Not because I *need* to, or I because I *have* to have him in my life, but because I realize that this kind of friendship is rare in my life and not to be thrown off lightly. Am I holding on to him and not giving up until I've tried my best? You bet. Is it because I'm holding out for romance from him or am desperately clinging to some fantasy or because I want him in my life in any capacity possible? Not at all. I'm trying this friendship out, instead of just walking away, because when these kinds of people come along in my life I will not just cast them aside without giving it a real chance. They're worth the effort. And I'm not just reaching for scraps either: we've both established that a real, meaningful friendship is eventually what we both would like to acheive. I'm wouldn't just settle for whatever the f*ck all he could give me. I'm taking it slow, seeing how and where it goes, if it goes anywhere. And if it doesn't work, oh well, so be it. I'll throw in the towel. World keeps turning, Eeyore learns a lesson and keeps on being just as fabulous. ;-)
And I'm not idealising him, or placing him on this pedastle and such. He has "faults" and such, but, the way I see it, if you're a real, true friend who really and truly loves the other person in the friendship and see and understand that person for who he or she is, you don't sit there and go "well, gosh, you know, you're great except for this, this and this." (and I'm not talking things external things like an alcohol or drug addiction, rather, I'm speaking of components of ones character) Those things, the things one can list off as annoying, exasperating, quirky, weird, whatever, are what make that person uniquely his or her own person. Like I said, you love them FOR those things. Not in spite of them. Naive? Perhaps. Full of love and positivity? Undeniably.
Hey Eeyore...
I'm in the same place you are. My ex-fiance and I have been apart (relationship-wise) for a little over 3 months now. We tried to remain friends from the start, and as he started dating again things didn't go well.
He met a girl just a month ago and really hit it off with her. They are indeed getting married this saturday, much to my chagrin.
At first I was so unhappy, torn, angry, etc. that he would move on so quickly. We had argument after argument about it, and came to the no contact conclusion.
No contact with him tore me apart. As you and your ex are best friends, despite the lack of a relationship, so are my ex and I.
This week, after 4 weeks of no communication he text messaged me...he left his favorite blue mug at my house and had to have it that day, so he says. So I agreed that he could come over after work and pick it up. As soon as he got here we hugged and neither of us wanted to let go. It wasn't an "i want you here and now" hug, but a "i'm glad i have my best friend back" hug.
We talked and talked...not having seen each other for a month we had a lot to catch up on. You don't realize how much you talk to each other day to day until you don't talk anymore. I missed my fiance, but more importantly I missed my bestest friend. He was the one person in my life that I could tell anything to, without being judged, and vice versa.
He stayed briefly, but just long enough to start our communication back up again.
He caught me online last evening to say hi, which was nice, and I asked him how much of what happened the day before had to do with that damn blue mug that he HAD TO HAVE, and how much of it was just that he missed me. He said he did miss his mug, but he missed me more. I guess he didn't expect me to see through his disguise.
The whole thing broke the ice for us. Granted, he's still getting married this weekend. And I'm faaaarrrrrr from being ready to meet the new girl, etc. But I did tell him that I'm ready to be friends again. Almost on your same terms though...I told him I'm not ready to handle it all, and I need to stay in the mindset that I can't call him for every little thing that happens in my life like I used to do...because the minute I get back into that mindset I will be starting over at sqare one. I do have to remember that his life is different now, and I'm not his number one girl anymore (as much as I want to be). He has a wife and a marriage that I need to respect. But in the same token, he and I have a friendship that nobody will ever understand.
Those kind of friendships are very special...just like you said in your post. We meet people everyday, but there are always those few that you connect with on a whole different level that you just can't live without. Those are your true friends.
I wish you the best, and hope that you and I aren't making complete mistakes! But all in all, those are our mistakes to make and learn by, nobody else's.
Take care and keep me posted. Let me know if this is a dangerous path to be walking down!
~jen
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