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| Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:00am |
Ugh. I thought I would *never* fall into this. We struggled for 4 months on whether or not to stay together. He kept saying "i don't know i don't know i don't know" but at the same time was at risk of losing his job due to his location. I felt like I'd be a piece of work to leave him during his time of need. I finally reached the breaking point and he must've gotten tired of me asking, hounding, trying to be nice, leaving him alone, asking again, getting angry...i wanted an answer and couldn't seem to make the decision on my own. So he finally said "no, at this point i don't want to work on things. maybe while we're settling the car, the house, etc., one of us will come up with a great idea and work it out". Sooo, that decision made, I resolved to get an apartment, get out, and move on. When I told him I was moving in 2 weeks, he was surprised that I was going so quickly - seemed to think I'd wait til the end of the school year (6 more months of being ignored?? NOT!!!) Plus, ds wouldn't be changing schools so off I went.
In the meantime, I have a "friend" who is living with ex's best friend, and she's telling me "Well, he told my bf that he *does* want to work things out" so it made me very confused for awhile. But not anymore. I know in my head that I've done what's best for me and for ds (who's grades are soaring and who's attitude has relaxed sooo much!) and I have no desire to resume that relationship or ANY relationship at this point in my life.
My problem - I'm worrying about him. I feel bad. It's more about me...I feel like 'well maybe he was thinking that over 6 months he would've been able to work it out'. It's ridiculous. It's not that I *wanted* him to work it out, it's just that I worry that he's not ok. Part of it is this "friend" who says "i think it's really affecting him". (We've since agreed to NOT talk about my ex anymore.)
I don't know why I feel this way when he's the one who made the ultimate decision. I feel like I'm emotionally in a better place than him, that he's depressed (he has been for ages), and I think it's just an old habit to be overly concerned about his emotional state when I KNOW it's not my problem nor my responsibility. He has to make himself happy.
The ideal situation would be for me to e-mail him and say "are you ok with everything?" and him to say "yes, I'm great, I'm moving right along", but by doing that very unwise thing (e-mailing him), I risk hearing "no, i'm struggling, i'm only ok but not great" and feeling guilty. So it's really about me and my guilt and not about him at all. Does this make ANY sense to ANYone? I feel like I'm not explaining it very well.
My heart and my head are at war and I'm struggling to make well thought out decisions and not let this go on and on.
I was doing fine. He called last night to tell me a package for me went to his house (Ugh!! Old account - forgot to update shipping). He sounded terrible, sick...it's not my problem!!!!! I'm trying to drill that into my head!!
We never discussed what went wrong. We never discussed...anything really. That was part of the (many) problems. I know I'm responsible for my own "closure" but...I just feel like so much was left unsaid...I want it all wrapped up in a pretty package so I can put it away.
I'm so much stronger than this. I'm so much more than this. What is my problem??

Yeah, I wanted the closure of my recently broken engagement to be as you said "all wrapped up in a pretty package", but I can't go there. It's never going to be pretty for me because she's the one who broke my heart. Sure I want to make sure she's doing okay, and I know that she's having a hard time both emotionally as well as financially, but she's the one who called it off. Just as I have to accept her decision, she has to accept it too. If she wanted me there, I'd still be there, but fact is I'm not.
You said you made the decision to move out and move on, well do so, move on that is. For myself wanting to make sure everything gets closed just right and spending time thinking about it, not only is keeping me from moving on, but brings me right back to day one of grieving, especially if I see her again. As much as I want to see her, I know and must remind myself that I cannot see her until my love and desire to be with her has passed. This has been kicking my ass, but if I don't stand firm and stay away I won't ever move on from where I'm at.
I've finally got through the grieving process and working with my anger right now. Next, the advice I've been given is to look at forgiveness because it is that which will set me free. At least I can see a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I'll be damned if I'm going to get turned around now. Keep your head up and Good Luck!