Emotionally drained...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Emotionally drained...
4
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:58pm

Hi all! I have been reading your posts about your breakups while trying to deal with my own. I love the support network in here and feel the same way you all do. It has been a very emotional week and a half for me and I am sitting here struggling with all these emotions.

You see...my bf and I broke up last week. We had been together a year and had lived together for half that time. The whole moving in thing was very hard for me. I have had previous relationships that have/had lasted much longer and the thought of living together never came up with those people(I can't even call them men(they don't act like it)). I thought this would be different. I thought I had found the love of my life. This was the man I would marry, have kids with, and so on. I was on cloud nine. So without hesitation when he asked me to move in with him, I said yes. Yes, we had some adjustments to get used to living together but nothing to throw red flags up at.

Then, like a ton of bricks, my bf tells me that he loves me and cares for me but needs me to move out becasue he does not see himself asking me to marry him. He didn't want to waste anymore of my time. He said that he didn't necessarily want to be single but he did not want the "married" life we were living.

Fine...so I start to move out and he kind of freaks out and tells me to take my time and that he already misses me and does not want me to leave right away. Talk about kicking me in the gut when I am already down. I love this man and he tells me he is not going to marry me and that he wants me to move out, but he misses me.

I haven't fully moved and am still at his place right now. I went to the store a night ago. When I got home his friends were over. Fine with me. Anyways, I was upstairs doing some work in the office and he comes in and says, "this sucks" repeatedly. I asked him what he was talking about. He wouldn't tell me. Then last night he tells me, "you know why I kept saying 'this sucks' last night, because I missed you when you were gone." "I don't want you to leave and I know I am going to regret it when you are gone but I have to let you go because I am not going to marry you." URGH!!!

I am so confused. Why is he doing this? I can't handle it. I am feeling so down and out about everything and his words do not help. Someone tell me that I am not losing my mind please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:12pm

nugirl15...


You aren't losing your mind....YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS LOST HIS!


So if you're willing to put up with his "wishy-washy" behavior.....then expect more of it in the future and stay put!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 2:58pm
I think I am losing my mind. I know you said that my BF is losing his, but... He is a wonderful man. More than I could ever ask for. I have never had a man tell me I am beautiful, not even the men I dated before. My ex would tell me this and better yet, make me feel this way. He treated me with the utmost repsect. I think that is why ia m having a hard time with this. He wasn't mean or disrespectful. I wish he was and maybe this would eb a little easier. I just feel like I am on this roller coaster of emotions because he tells me he loves em and misses me but asks me to move out because he is not going to marry me. Why is he doing this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 3:02pm
I know what your going through! My bf and I just broke up a little under 2 weeks ago. He is VERY independent and I have always known this since we started dating almost 4 years ago. He has always needed his space, we have been living together for the past 3 years. At times he wants to be single and alone, and at the same time he wants me. This would come up once and a while and we would talk it out and try to figure out the problem. I love him so much and I still do that is why it is and was so hard to break up. He said he just needed to be single he has a lot of stuff on his mind (like applying and getting into school for his PHD) and just like that he threw away our relationship. He said he loves me but may not be IN love with me. I know he does and just needs to realize that he will never find anyone else better. This happened a year or so ago he said he needed a break, and I was devistated. He stayed in the apartment and after a couple days I went to his mothers and stayed there for a couple days so he could think. I came back and he said he was sorry and wrong. Just like this time I know he will be but it may be too late. After he told me he wanted to break up he packed a bag and left. The next day I drove from CT (where we live) to CO (where some family lives). I didn't want to leave but I couldn't cry for days straight like before, nevermind stay in the apartment we lived in for so long and loved so much.
It has been 12 days since it has happened and I am so upset and sad. I am trying to deal with this and it is even harder since I haven't been single since I was 15 (im 24 now. He was my life, love and most of all my bestfriend. I can STILL see us together for ever and see our children. But, I know its wrong (as hard as it is to admit). He didn't or doesn't know what he wants. That is the worst thing for the both of you. You should both be on the same page and both want to be together. I wish Ryan and I always were. If he continues to stay and you wonder how he is feeling all the time that is not fair to you. I guess in a way I have always been nervous that my bf would just leave me, and it has happened. I am emotionally and mentally attached to him. We can't make our men happy if they aren't happy themselves. They have to figure out what they want. As hard as it would have been I should have moved out when this first happened. I could have taken a step back and tried to fix things before it got worse. That is what I suggest you do. I know its hard to move out (I always felt defeated) but it is the best thing to do if you want to keep him. Give him space and time to figure out what he wants. Try not to call him as mucha and just give him distance. I am trying that now, my god it is so hard but if there will ever be a chance for us again that is all I can do. Look at your relationship and see what you want/don't want and see what he wants/don't wants and see if they match up. It is hard to see when you are in love, you don't want to realize it when it is too late...like me. I wish you the best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 4:47pm

I am going through this too. We split up a year ago but had contact with th eother, basically, he would tell me he loved me but then eh woulndt do what needed to eb done. I would then miss him and contact him and just back and forth we went. Until a week ago, when we finally said goodbye and havent talked since. This is it and I know it. I know from him and I know in my heart. It has to be. I read your post and this is to brknhrt cyn too that you have to move on or at least move out. It is so frustrating like both of you say, I have a post out there right now on another board about this. They say they love you or iss you but then their actions is something totally different. How they can say they miss us but then tell us it is over or has to eb over or doesnt want to talk about things in order to be together again. It so hurtful and so hard to decide what to do because you want to believe what they say about feelings for you not the other part.

They say it is very difficult for a man to end a relationship, for anyone actually. No one wants to be the bad guy, no one wants to say or do anything to take someone's love away so if your man is saying he doesnt want to marry you then he means it. I think that is GREAT of hiim to tell you that then give some other excuse or blame you. You need to respect that. If he says he doesnt want to or think he will then that is how he feels. Nothing is forever it doesnt mean he will always feel this way but at the same time you cant stay or hope he will chnage becasue what if eh doesnt. You dont want to be with nothing becasue you waited for nothing. It has been four years for me and I knew all of this before but I just waited and hoped and where did it get me. I could have dealt with this pain I feel a year ago or two years ago when he told me it was over. Liek this post said she wished she would have left sooner.

I would move out and if its meant to be then its meant to be but dont wait for it, get on with your life. If he comes bcak then great you win because you get the man you love and thought you would spend a life with BUT if he doesnt you also win because measn he is not for you and you still get to meet that guy and if you felt so right about this one then imagine how you wil feel over the REAL MAN that is for you.

he tells you he misses you becasue maybe he does, how could he not, he has been with you for awhile and lived with you. It sucks to him becasue it is a sad thing that is happening BUT it doesnt mean he feels everything he shoudl feel for you right now. It sucked when I told someone way before my ex that I didnt care for him that way. I missed him becasue I loved the conversations we had BUT it didnt mean I wanted him in that way or wanted him to stick around. I am sorry to say things that may hurt you but its ok. Its going to be ok. Move out and just see what happens but dont wait around for him either.