Breaking up for REAL...need support
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:41pm |
Hi All...after 5 and a half years of on and off with someone who did not treat me right (and I did not love myself the way I should) I am walking away for good. It has been 12 days and counting since I have had contact with him, and no contact needs to be the way to go, as every other way has only led to unhealthiness. I realize the problem lies with me and my own self-esteem versus the things he did, as I was not respecting myself by letting him treat me the way he did. Basically I didn't trust him, and I had reasons for that. I also never received the attention/support/respect I put in. Why did I stay? I guess I thought I could "make" him want to love me back and make our relationship work. I saw the good in him, and was not without fault myself. But I robbed myself and my heart of a real love--he was emotionally distant, never got my a single gift for any birthday or holiday (and I got him something each time) and hardly ever called me on his own or asked me to do things. Everything was on his own terms...am I pathetic? Yes but I am addressing these issues and changing how I think about myself and how I treat myself. It is funny because I have confidence in so many other areas of my life--I am beautiful, smart, successful and passionate, have a great supportive and loving family and huge group of friends. I fell head over heels for this guy when I was 20 and never let go of that feeling...despite how bad it was. He was not that into me though everytime I walked away he came back and gave me a reason to think it would work out...even accused me of giving up when I got tired of it all. We were NOT healthy--he came from an unhealthy environment and I lacked that core of self esteem that should have removed me from the situation long ago. I still put him on a pedestal of sorts and though I am FULLY committed to letting go, I know it is going to be long and hard. I am reading self-help books, visiting web sites and have in the past talked to a therapist(think I am good for now but can recognize the need when it arises).
How have people gotten over relationships that have become unhealthy habits? I know I am going to get to a healthy place and eventually meet someone who will redefien what I thought this love was and know it isn't...I just would love wisdom!
Thanks!

Pages
Good for you for getting out of an unhealthy relationship. That shows a lot of strength and you should be proud of yourself.
Just give it time, and learn to love yourself again. Pamper yourself; take care of yourself. It sounds like you're taking positive steps in the right direction. Sometimes an unhealthy relationship is the hardest type to get over...people like challenges. My own relationship was not healthy; I feel like I lost a lot of myself during it. My ex did not treat me with the respect that I deserve...he cheated, lied, did a ton of drugs, and was very manipulative. But I still cared about him deeply...like you, I put my ex on a pedestal. And like your ex, mine accused me of "giving up" too easily on him...even though he had started seeing somebody else and treated me horribly.
It's been a long time since my breakup and I've made so much progress. I've learned to love myself and I no longer want to be with my ex...I've realized that I wasn't happy in our relationship, and that we aren't right for each other. I know that I'm better off without him. I don't have contact with him anymore, and that has really helped a lot. I guess I don't have much advice to give except to stay busy, maintain no-contact, and give it time. It gets a little easier and better each day. On those days that you have a weak moment, just remember that you're truly better off without this person in your life. You already know that...you just need to keep reminding yourself of it. And you're right--someday you will reach a healthy place and you will meet someone who treats you right. Don't give up hope...I know it's difficult, but keep your chin up! :)
Thank you so much, all of you--he text messaged me last night at bar time--"hi" and I ignored it...15 days and counting! That was the first time I heard from him since I saw him leaving the bar with a girl...because he expected me to contact him (how pathetic is that--I lost myself so much in this guy.) And "hi" while drunk at bar time is not going to cut it! It is not easy...I start to miss him--what exactly am I missing though? Being put down all the time? Being ignored? Asking him to do something, afraid of his answer? It does get easier each day and I am doing proactive things to make this a healthy process for me. I am glad to see others know exactly what I am talking about, because people don't understand WHY i stayed so long...he did have good traits and I was able to recognize them but as was said, he played with my emotions and my mind. Never made an effort...okay maybe a couple of times...I can count them on one hand. And the sad thing is I used those random acts of kindness to justify the constant bs.
Yes he is very good looking, charismatic, funny, smart, successful...but so am I--and I am genuine, caring, trustworthy and taking the time to heal myself. I deserve better and eventually I will find it.
Balance23 and Gajtkaje, let's keep in touch! I really am going to do this and I would love to see girls in my similar situation make it as well--this type of guy sucks, though ultimately it is about ourselves and how we view/treat ourselves...and it all comes down to self-esteem and that is what I am working on. From the outside, no one sees me as this weak girl who has let someone control her happiness and self-worth, but that's exactly what was happening. And he still expects me to come running back.
Not this time. I--and you guys--deserve so much more than these guys' insecurities dragging us down, which is ultimately what it is.
Here is a GREAT song to listen to by Nelly Furtado that you should relate to if you are in a similar situation:
Radio (Remember the Days)
You liked me till' you heard my () on the radio
Well I hate to say but pop ain't going solo
You liked me till' you heard my () on the radio
But now I'm just too mainstream for you, oh no
You liked me till' you seen me on your t.v.
Well if you're so low below then why you watching?
You say good things come to those who wait
I've been waiting a long time for it
I remember the days
when I was so eager to satisfy you
and be less than I was
just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away
I see you've chosen to stay behind me
and still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself
You say your quest is to bring it higher
Well I never seen change without a fire
But from your mouth I have seen a lot of burning
But underneath I think it's a lot of yearning
Your face, the colours change from green to yellow
To the point where you can't even say hello
You tell me you'd kill me if I ever snob you out
Like that's what you expect from me, like that's what I'm about
I remember the days
when I was so eager to satisfy you
and be less than I was
just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away
I see you've chosen to stay behind me
and still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself
It's so much easier to stay down there guaranteeing you're cool
Than sit up here exposing myself trying to break through
Than to burn in the spotlight (open fire!), turn in the spitfire (open fire!)
Scream without making a sound (open fire!), be up here without looking down (open fire!)
because we're all afraid of heights
I remember the days
when I was so eager to satisfy you
and be less than I was
just to prove I could walk beside you
Now that I've flown away
I see you've chosen to stay behind me
and still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself
Myself...
Why ya hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me hurt me so,
leave me down down down down low
leave me down da down down da down da down down down low...
() on the radio...
Edited 3/14/2005 1:17 pm ET ET by nanooes
I also get the random texts and that is my weakness. I hate for people to be mad at me or feel hurt b/c of me, but I guess he never cared about thatwhen it came to my feelings so why should I , right? I told you that he needs time so he can figure out how to change for me, well I don't think I want to give him that chance.Seriously he is on chance #3...and 3 strikes- your out! I'm tired of it all you know? Emotionally exhausted. I always have people saying...why did u stay so long? I guess b/c I felt that I invested so much that he owed me that and I did think he would change, but I've realized he can only change for himself...not me. I am just worried about getting that random text or call too and I need to be strong to ignore it even when he gets pissed. We have "supposed " to have been on a break for about 2 weeks now, but we go 2 days and he'll call and I answer. Its only been since Sat. morning since we texted last. Its SO sad too b/c thats the only way he can tell me how he feels is throught texting me...yea...what a winner huh?! I am making it though and I'm stronger than I thought! People always look at me too and say..you have a good job, your pretty, have an education and lots to offer someone...so what are you doing...My friends are great too and they just say" if u keep this up you will look back and it will be another 5 years down the road and you'll still be unhappy and stuck" I don't want that! I can't tell u the last time I felt good about myself.
Well I just wanted to send you a note back...if you want to talk my e-mail is: gajtkaje@hotmail.com so drop me a note if u need some support and I will definetly need it!!!! Take care...my name is Julie by the way.
But total props to you for having the strength to get out of something that wasnt working for you.
Jennh1978--
Why do you keep going back? What is it going to take for you to walk away for good? For me it was seeing him leave a bar with another girl...but really it was the pain I felt as it happened. and that is what I go back to anytime I start missing him. I deserve better. I lost myself so much in someone that truly didn't care about me--no matter what he said. Yes I can see he did care and did love me, but in a sick way, an unhealthy way, one that shouldn't be accepted. he went out of his way to put me down and then turned it on me and asked why I couldn't just relax, be cool.
Do you think it is going to work out eventually? That your investment will pay off? That he will wake up and change? I believed that and am still learning to let go of that--he told me over and over that things would work out...but only when I "gave up". Then when I came back, same old. and it is a process...15 days is a long time but I have done it before and broken down. this time is for real though, I want to be healthy, happy and confident with myself. I want to live an authentic life, not one where I am trying so hard to be something I am not for someone else. I want to have true love--none of us is experiencing true love if we are all in the same place.
I am better than the way he treated me...and I gave him my all so I have no regrets. he will regret this and prob. not for a LONG time as he won't believe I am really gone. I wish him well and want him to be happy...I loved him unconditionally but unfortunately he did not reciprocate. I am moving on for ME not to spite him, and the no contact route is the only way I can do that--and it DOES build self esteem big time!
please be careful--you may get very hurt by holding on to something that isn't working.
I sent you an email...and I know EXACTLT what you mean by investing time and thinking he would change. They NEVER do though.
I read all thr posts and I totally understand. same situation, same guy you described, same time frame, 4.5 years and same questions I ask myself..how does someone like me stay this long? I am feeling down today. I do miss him but then I try to think of the bad so I dont but then I get mad an dhurt because I then ask myself how could he be that way or not care. Its been three weesk but last week he left messages for me basically telling me that he realized what he did. Here is a very intelligent man who after 4.5 years be finally "realizes" how he hurt me and he is sorry. he finally realizes. How ironic that he "realizes" two weeks after its a final goodbye andn I dont ontact him for two weeks. I think it was his closure or his way of saying yeah I know its over but I am not bad. I "realize". I did call and say thank you becasue he did say some nice things but thats all I said. Havent heard from him which is good.
Its hard because I understand too about the investing. You put your all self into them, your time and energy and you just love them. You really love them and so into them its like they do owe you. So you keep holding on becasue you already put all this in there but it will never happen. You will never get your return. I am just sad today. I truly loved this man and he just didnt really care. I dont know how else to explain it. Sorry for the downer.
Pages