Need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Need support
2
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 1:12pm

I really need this message board--thank you all for sharing your stories and letting me relate on certain levels! My ex was someone I loved soooo much--and I know he didn't feel the same. He said he loved me but his actions showed otherwise. We kept running back to one another--for 5 and a half years! There were some breaks but I always loved him and wanted so bad for it to work. It has been 2 weeks of no contact now, which I have done before--for longer...but this time I know I will never go back...two weeks ago on a Friday he told me he was applying for a job out of state...we have been having huge issues for a long time, so I knew it was the end in my gut and I started crying--he told me he loved me and he didn't know what would happen. I knew it would be better to be over and let go...I got really upset and accepted the pain. The next night I randomly ran into him at a bar--my friends saw him but not me, and I avoided running into him--but yet I saw him leaving the bar holding another girl's hand. I tried to stop him, I was drunk--he told me he was "bombed" and that he would call me later and that it wasn't what it looked like--the girl was up ahead and I think he was trying to play it off like it wasn't happening the way it was. Everything happens for a reason. I could have been any other place in the bar--it is a big one, and I was right where I needed to be, to see that. Well he told me over and over he was not with other girls, grew out of his "college" phase and didn't even randomly hook-up...and I was sooo dumb to have believed him...I trusted him, loved him and cared about him...and I feel like I was loving a LIE...and yet I wanted it sooo bad.

I obviously have issues with self-esteem and am tackling those head-on. He had a lot of issues and together our relationship was toxic, but I could see all the good in him and desperately wanted things to work out. I know everyone reading this thinks I was stupid, and yes, I was blind and chose to be that way...but I am through, and have been through for two weeks--no contact after running into him. Nothing from him, nothing from me. I was always the one that gave in, ran back, called, and usually came up with dumb reasons or wanted answers. I do not want any closure...I gave us more than five years and dealt with the same b.s.

Is it okay to never ever talk to someone again? I am a very forgiving person but this guy hurt me in so many ways, if I listed them, you would think I was soooo insane to even consider it love. He had a troubled childhood and I know that is why he acted as he did in so many ways, and I made excuse after excuse. But now I need to love me and I am--and this is someone that never apologizes, never cares...I don't think I can respect myself by ever talking to him again...is that okay? I know eventually I will forgive him--and myself--but I cannot acknowledge him anymore--this is someone who has taken so much advantage of me...and I let him each and every time and I want to love MYSELF and not ever be treated that way again.

Does anyone else relate to my story? I did really truly love him and he did have good qualities. I just forgot about loving myself--I wasn't happy in the relationship and I tried to change to please him b/c he kept telling me it was me, and I was too needy and too emotional...he never gave an inch--if he CALLED me, he used it against me for days--he always had me do things for him, ie bring him food, write cover letters and do his resume, he never bought me a single gift, gave me ONE card in five years after I asked for one--never a bday card or valentines day card.

I am very successful in other areas of my life and recognize the challenge first appealed to me. I want so much to get better and I am doing a lot of therapeutical things. If in 6 months I have not made progress I hope to, I will see a therapist. I have seen one before and use the tools I used then.

I just want to let go of caring that he found someone better and will treat her in all the ways he refused to treat me. He berated me in front of his friends, never invited me out in a group situation, never took me on dates, never came over to my house, never flew to see me, never called.

And I know I deserve sooo much better and will find it once I am healed...I just want to LET GO of caring. I know it is over--if he ever tries to call or email, I will ignore it. I am hoping he moves to another state to make it easier. I am truly truly done because I put myself first this time--he chose another girl over me in front of me, and I am not that pathetic that I would ever go back.
Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nanooes
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 2:49pm

nanooes...


The only choices you can determine ARE YOUR OWN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
In reply to: nanooes
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 3:17pm

Thank you. The hard part about this is I know I am a catch...I am a beautiful, smart, driven, successful, genuine, sweet girl who fell for someone who went out of their way to point out all that was wrong with me and keep me pushed far enough away at all times to make me insecure--then would come back and tell me how much he loved me and why couldn't I just be secure and okay and relax? So I thought the problem was me and not him because he was telling me what I was waiting to hear but not showing it, or if he did, only a very little.

as far as him moving on and leaving the bar with a girl the day after I decided to give up-- well that is what helps me get through things--everything happens for a reason adn if I hadn't seen that, I probably wouldn't be geuinely serious about ending it for good.

and I am, and I will be happier--I am lucky that my memories of him are not that good--no longing to go back to someone who hurt me so much--but I have my own responsibility and blame in this and it is NOT about him anymore, it is about me.

Thank you--this is a process...and I am letting myself feel as much as I can--no dating until I have made genuine progress in working on myself...and the hurt feels different this time because it is really, truly over for me, and I am FINALLY ready to face it. I never faced it before.

I will make a profile and keep using this. Thank you for your words--I need persepctive at times when I mope.