Depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Depressed
3
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 3:12pm
I sit here today 3 weeks after my boyfriend left me for the second time in 3 months with many mixed emotions. We were together for 6 years. I know that I loved him more than I ever loved anyone in my life. I am 40. We have broke up before only to get back together. But this time I feel it is for good. I know that this is the best thing for me but I hurt so bad. I know I need to go out and keep busy but I dont feel like it. I am so tired. Some days are ok but others I just cant wait till they end. My days drag on. Im so lonely.... I look at my phone hoping he would call but knowing that the best thing would be for him not to. I gave him my life, my heart and my soul just to get it riped out from under me. I want so bad to feel better but I just cant seem to stop thinking about him. I woke up this morning I was having a dream about him. Why cant I get him out of my mind, my heart, my soul? How please tell me
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sherrygirl888
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 4:39pm

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. This link is to a post that has some techniques that might help you:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmendingbro&msg=9612.1

Also, I would strongly recommend that you call your phone company and order call rejection or call blocking or whatever they call it in your neck of the woods, and block him from calling you. That way you don't have to be stressed about him calling or not calling...you know he can't. It's a real relief.

I also find that going to movies (in the theater) helps pass the time when I'm in the initial throes of a breakup. Plus if I have to cry, it's dark!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
In reply to: sherrygirl888
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 7:29pm

Be strong! I am going through the biggest challenge with my own break-up in that we were on and off for 5 and 1/2 years--but I am "lucky" in that he was such a jerk...there are not too many good memories to hold onto...but I do still care about him, wonder if he has moved on completely, wonder why he couldn't have treated me better.

But you know what--it has been two weeks of recognizing I will NEVER go back and it feels different this time because I am confident his role in my life is through--I learned what I needed to.

A friend told me months ago that it would ultimately come down to a point where we would either go in one direction or the other...either for good or for bad, and then that would be it. That came true two weeks ago...a day after talking to him and him telling me he loved me--one day--I caught him leaving a bar with a girl. Was he cheating? who was she? I tried to stop him and he tried to tell me he was "bombed" and it was not what it looked like, that he would call me later. :) I can smile at it now but I was sobbing. But I decided that was it. Never ever again would I have contact. And I turned this process into something that has to do with ME and not him. and I have sworn off talking to him so many times (unhealthy relationship for so many reasons) and I never meant it. I mean it. I am scared, and sad, and angry, and spiteful---but that will pass in time...I am excited, hopeful, self-loving, and most of all, I feel so LUCKY. not all the time but most...I need to work on my self-esteem and realize no matter how happy he may be with someone else, that he is going to move on and meet someone and fall in love and get married--so am I!!! But in the meantime, I am letting it hurt and growing and working on my self and rebuilding self esteem, confidence and reliance. I am beautiful....you are beautiful...and that is what this all comes down to--being about YOU. He is not with you anymore because he is not supposed to be. Things happen for a reason. I saw my "boyfriend" leaving with another girl because I needed to see that to accept the end of us. He told me he was not with other girls, not like that, not someone who hooked up anymore--hahahaha I believed it. Oh well- I know me and I know how happy I will make the person who is meant for me, but in the meantime, am happy to be focusing this energy on myself--I am going to have the best, most authentic life, all because I woke up and accepted why there was pain...finally. Let it hurt!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
In reply to: sherrygirl888
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 5:40pm

If you are feeling lonely then the best thing to do is to surround yourself with people. However much you just want to be with or talk to or call your ex, at this point in the game it is probably best to resist that as much as possible. I have found in my recent breakup that contact between me and my ex has helped us because we can discuss what went wrong and how talking about it will help us to heal, although it won't bring our relationship back. Right now we are concentrating on our friendship, which is important to both of us.

For you, in the meantime call up your friends, your family, and tell them what has happened. You will probably go through telling the same story over and over again to ten or fifteen people, but it will help, and distributing the burden among many people will make it not so bad for them and for you. If you have lost many of your friendships because you were so concentrated on your relationship, don't be afraid to try and get them back. If these people are worth or were ever worth being your friends, then they will treat you with the sensitivity you deserve and put other issues to the side. In fact, seeking help from even estranged friends will help you get closer to them again. When you call them be honest and straightforward about what is going on and I bet you will be happily surprised with the results you get.

If you find that these options are not working for you, also look into getting counseling. The counselor would serve as an outlet for your emotions right now, and they will have resources to help you reconnect with your self and your life. If you don't know who to call, ask your doctor or a friend who has been in counseling for a reference. If you are worried about cost, is there a college or university nearby? Graduate counseling programs are very common and most offer low-cost or free counseling to the public as a part of training for the students. Also mention this need to your doctor. Some counselors also offer rates based on ability to pay. Furthermore, your insurance may cover a certain number of sessions (usually up to 10, which at once a week is several months' worth). Counseling for breakups tends to be short- rather than long-term, so you may find this suits your needs well.

Find ways to spend time with people, even if you are not interacting with them. Go to visit and play with animals at animal shelters and experience the joy of interacting with something that loves you simply because you're there. :) Don't overwhelm yourself with activity if you don't feel like doing anything. Just chill and do whatever you want to do, but preferably in the company of another human being who is not your ex --- read, watch a movie or TV, talk idly over coffee. Being in the company of others will help get your mind off dwelling on your relationship. The point is not to be "busy" so much as to give yourself the safety net you need right now. Good luck.