Should I send it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Should I send it?
5
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 10:46am

3 weeks ago today my boyfriend left me for the second time in 3 months. I have not called him once and am proud of myself for that. He has called me 3 times and I was able to just answer his questions about things that he left at my house and left it at that. He has also driven by my house twice that I know of. Yesterday when he called he said he just called to see how I was doing. I told him I was doing alright. I then told him that I would let him get off the phone and that we really didnt have much to say to each other and then said bye. Actually I have alot to say but. I wrote a letter to him today and want to send it. I feel no contact is the best way but need to find the best way to tell him. Please read my letter and see tell me what your opinion of sending is.
THANK YOU

Here goes

Dear

First please do not take this wrong in anyway I do not mean any harm to you whatsoever. I am trying to be honest and sincere and feel that may be if I say these things I will somehow feel better getting it off my chest. I still love you and hope that one day those feeling will go away so I can move on with my life.

I am writing this letter today to be completely honest with you and myself. Me having to deal with you leaving me again has been one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my life. I feel I gave you everything I ever could including my life, my heart and my soul just to get it ripped away from me.

I know that this is what you wanted. You have left at least 6 times in 6 years so that shows you were not in our relationship whole heartedly.

I try to stand back and look at the big picture and I know that I do deserve better in life. I do want a partner someone that is there for me no matter what. I do not feel I had that with you. I also know that you want other thing in life as well and I do understand and want that for you. I just don’t want to see you being an alcoholic because you will never find happiness in a bottle of Captain Morgan maybe it makes you feel better at the time but one day you will wake up and realize that that is not what real happiness is all about. So please take care of yourself and don’t let that happen. You are better than that.

Somedays I feel good about moving on with my life and somedays I can’t stand it.
I sit here and cry feeling lost and empty without you. I miss you more than you could imagine but know that this is what’s best for both of us. I want to see you to hold you to feel better but I don’t want it to make me feel any worse then I do so I think its best to stay away.

As far as your stuff, please just wait for a few more weeks before you come get it. I do not feel ready to see you yet and do not want to loose it in front of you. It will be there and if there is anything you need now just have Matt get it for you. I need to get on with my life and get over you and I feel if we see or talk to each other it will make me feel worse because I start doing ok and then you call and all those feeling come flooding back to me.

I sincerely hope that you are happy now and that you find what you are looking for in life one day. I am saying that from my heart and mean it in the best way. May be one day once I get over you we can be friends but I do not see that being possible any time soon.

Goodbye for now,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:10am

Don't send it. I understand the sentiments expressed in your letter, and I understand the impulse to send this type of message. I don't think you should send it.

I was in an off-and-on relationship with my ex. We're both lawyers, and words are our stock in trade. We hurled angry, hurt, abusive words at each other. We drew each other back in with sentimental, nostalgic, fond words. I puzzled over ambiguous, carefully worded messages from him; perhaps he did the same.

None of those words changed anything. We were wrong for each other. We were done. We are living separate lives now. No amount of words can change who we are, what we want, or erase what we've done to each other.

And maybe he didn't deserve my words, didn't deserve my soul-searching, my honesty, my candid assessment of what he'd meant to me, how he'd hurt me, how I forgave him and wanted the best for him. Maybe that's the ultimate vulnerability, the ultimate exposure, and after we'd broken up (whichever of the many times it was), maybe it wasn't appropriate to expose my thoughts to him in that way. Others on this board told me he didn't deserve to hear those intimate, private thoughts of mine. Others invoked my pride, said he didn't need to know I'd thought that hard about him or us, that I could hold my head higher and leave him puzzled if I was breezy, nonchalant, and apparently not agonizing over the relationship.

Maybe it's just that I've done the off-and-on dance, and communication is, really, an interactive process. You may think of this as your farewell, your parting shot, your final message. But what if he responds? And then what will he say? Will he be fond and nostalgic, which may hurt you? Will he choose to get out his own parting shot about what he thinks went wrong, what he thinks you did wrong? Will he use this as his chance to say that he doesn't love you, and wishes you the best? Will he see a thoughtful letter as evidence that you can't get your mind off the breakup, take it as a sign that you're "obsessed" or desperately need help, and be patronizing enough to suggest that to you?

Also, if you're prone to the off-and-on, "one final letter" is almost never that. It's an intriguing new game, some new interaction you two can have. Maybe he'll reply right away. Maybe he'll ponder it, or just tuck it away unable to read it immediately, and it could be weeks or months down the road that you'll hear from him. I got an email from my ex on what would have been our anniversary, and the thought of what might be in there (he'd been bitter and abusive following the breakup) made me delay opening it for a month. When I did open it, it was a confession of what a jerk he'd been and a plea for us to get together to talk. Months after the breakup, I was freshly upset and did contact him, and then he was in a different emotional place than when he'd written the email, but we started up the communication and ended up back together again for about a month. Just keep in mind that a communication is an invitation to communicate in response, and if you want to cut off all contact with him, sending him a further communication is not a good first step.

I think the parting letter is good for you, cathartic, it lets you get that out on paper. So, write it, embellish it, then burn it. Don't send it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:32pm

I agree with everything milton333 said. I have been there and am leaving that place--on and off for 5 1/2 years. No contact is the ONLY way to get over someone in a situation like this. Absolutely none. Zero. Do NOT feel guilty--you owe him nothing. If I were you I would mail him his stuff with no letter. Or have someone you both know come and get it. Do NOT see him again--a few weeks is not going to make it any easier on you. ^ years is around the time I invested, and let me tell you, a few weeks from now is not going to make seeing him any easier. I have been no contact for 16 days...and I am really truly making progress. Is it hard--YES! It was a habit, a way of life...but I was not treating myself the way I deserved, and he most certainly was not either.

Let go--if you send that letter, you are not letting go. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time--you are letting go. The days and months will add up but not if you evaluate them as a whole. Ignore his calls, emails, attempts to come over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 3:01pm

sherrygirl888....


Pianoguy thinks you should SKIP THE LETTER....and stop responding entirely.


The more responses you provide to your EX....the stronger misconception he'll have that YOU REALLY WANT TO GET BACK WITH HIM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 8:30pm
I personally would not send this letter...I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing how badly he upset me!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:56am

I think you are being very strong by not contacting him. I say do NOT send this letter. This is one interpretation of your letter if it's taken the wrong way:

I still love you
You still have power over me
I'm hurting but you could probably still have me back if you really wanted to
I do want to see you (when you get your stuff), but if I see you right now I'll be weak

I know this is not how you want it to be taken. You know why you wrote it, you wrote it for you, let that be the beginning of your closure without sending it.

I agree with the last poster regarding his belongings: box them up and ship them to him.