almost 4 months of NC on my part :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
almost 4 months of NC on my part :)
2
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:02am

Well, it's been awhile since I've written an actual post of my own...just thought I'd give you all an update.

If you've read my old posts, then you know my story. Basic summary: we broke up in May--I tried to hold on even though he was dating someone else and treating me horribly--we played the contact, no-contact game for awhile--I wrote him one last letter in November and stopped contact. It's been nearly fourth months of no-contact (on my part) now...and I feel GREAT! :) Seriously, I've never felt stronger or better about myself...my self-esteem has risen SOOOOOOOO much. I wasn't a fan of NC at first, because I still cared/felt guilty/had little self-respect, etc...but I'm definitely a huge supporter of it now!

I have not blocked my ex from contacting me, and maybe some of you think that's a mistake. But it's really alright...I am strong enough to resist contacting him. I don't respond to any of his messages...and I've lost all desire to talk to him. It's a strange feeling...I don't want to hear about his life. I don't care about how he's doing, what he's been up to, who he's seeing, if he's happy, lonely, sad, mad, etc...I DON'T CARE!

I'm not saying that I'm completely, 100% over him yet...I still have my nostalgic moments. Do I wish sometimes that my ex could have been the person that I wanted him to be? Yes. Do I miss his good qualities? Yes. But do I wish that I could be with him now? Do I want him in my life after the way he's treated me? Do I think that it would be a good idea for me to be his friend? HELL NO. I've finally, truly realized what an unhealthy addition to my life he would be. I don't want to be his girlfriend, his friend, or even a mere acquaintance of his. I'm done with him...that chapter of my life is closing for good.

He actually contacted me last night, while I was out (on a date, hehe!). I went to a concert with a guy that I had been interested in for awhile...we saw a band play that we both really like, and it was a lot of fun. I thought of my ex at the concert (he also liked the band that was playing)--particularly when his favorite song was being played. I used to cry whenever I heard songs that reminded me of him...but this time, it didn't even make me sad! Instead, it was more of a simple "oh, this song reminds me of someone" feeling, one that passed by rather quickly and without pain. I had left my AIM screenname signed on, as us college students tend to do...and my away message said that I was at the concert. He apparently read it and left me some IM messages. One said "lucky!" and the other said "anyways, hi...say hi for once, it wouldn't kill you."

He's right...it wouldn't kill me to say hi to him. But I DON'T want to...and I certainly don't need to! During the first few months after my breakup, I would have jumped at the chance to contact him...I would have used any excuse to contact him. But now I have no interest in him...I've shut him out of my life (he's out of my phone, buddy list, and slowly getting out of my mind), and I don't care to know about his. He used to complain about an ex-girlfriend of his, and how she still tried to contact him even though they hadn't dated for a few years (of course, little did I know that he always responded to her and even told her that he still loved her when we broke up for a couple of days once!)...and I always thought to myself, "that's exactly who I DON'T want to be." I don't wish to be there for him, to be that one ex he could count on whenever it was convenient for him. I know that I deserve so much better than that.

My ex meant a lot to me and despite the end result, I don't regret what I've been through with him because I know how much I have learned from this experience. I don't respect my ex, but I don't necessarily think of him as this "bad" person either-- it's not as if I want bad things to happen to him. I've accepted that we have different value systems. I'm just pretty much indifferent to him now...if he's happy, cool, if not, oh well--not my problem! I don't care if he hates me, loves me, regrets what happened someday...I have grown SO much as an individual, and I know that I'm way better off not having my ex in my life. I actually even had a moment the other day where I was just daydreaming and thoughts of him popped into my head, which greatly surprised me...it was almost like I had forgotten about him.

Is this what "getting over" someone feels like...? :)

"There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same, and time is divided into two parts: before this, and after this. Sometimes you can feel such a moment coming. That is the test. At times like that, strong people keep moving forward anyway, no matter what they're going to find."

"Letting go is being thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, made you strong. It's about all that you have, all that you had, all that you will soon gain. It's having the courage to accept change, to keep moving. It isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore. It's not about pride, or blocking memories. No feelings of regret or anger. Letting go is not giving up...it's accepting...learning and growing up."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:21am
Thank you SOOOOOOO much for that post!!! I am on day 17 of no contact and there are still hard moments but it does get easier with time...and my self-esteem builds with each day. The moments when I am weak, I look at how much I have done so far, and I come here and read the posts--and your post is the exact reason they help so much! I know it is a process and in 3 months I will feel so much differently then now but all I can do is take it day by day. I was in love with him for 5 and a half year and every single part of it was unhealthy, and I am gaining back a friend that was hidden--myself. Thank you again--and congratulations! You must be so proud of yourself--what a great great journey you have been on!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:48am

Hi kcl9310,

It's good to hear that you've come this far. I remember reading your posts months ago. I think we were going through the same thing at around the same time.

I myself haven't had 4 months of no contact. It's been over a month since the last time we ran into each other. We work in the same building so these chance encounters can't be helped. We did exchange polite emails and I wished him well. I'm glad that contact has been minimal though. Before that last bumping into, we hadn't had contact for over a month too .. and then we ran into each other. For those out there who are going through the early stages of a break up .. trust us, no contact is a good thing! It's difficult to do, but take it one day at a time and in the long run, you'll be the better for it!

I too can't say I'm over him. If nothing else, what's made it so difficult is that it wasn't a bad relationship nor was it a bad break up. We dated only briefly - 2 months and he decided he wanted to go and work things out with his ex fiance whom he had ended the engagement and later on, the relationship with. The "horrible" thing was that the man who made me realize it's worth taking a risk in love (going out with someone who was once engaged is a HUGE risk), was also the one who taught me how painful it can be if things don't work out. There aren't bad memories, there weren't bad moments and I hadn't found a bad quality about him by that time. So .. it's been hard but I try. I'm leaving town in a few months - got myself a job and will be getting my doctorate so a new life is ahead of me and I try to focus on that. I've found that focusing on the positive things in my life has helped.

There are of course moments when the old emotions and questions surface. But I'm stronger and I let the moments pass. I've come to realize that while I may not be able to control how I feel, I can control whether I choose to act on them. I focus on trying to be a friend, if that's at all possible, and if that's what he still wants. In the meantime though, I also tell myself I need to focus on me and getting emotionally healthy again.

Thanks for the update and hopefully our updates will help those who are going through what we were going through several months ago. There is hope yet! Hang in there!