knocking on the door again....
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| Wed, 03-16-2005 - 9:05am |
about a year ago i began dating a guy that i thought was wonderful...keyword, thought...turns out he wasnt who i thought he was...
this all began with my mom saying what a great guy he was and that i should meet him...well i met him and i too was impressed...we began to hang out (he was my car salesman as well as my parents)...he asked me to go to toronto to spend time with him and some of his college friends...i did and the whole time he was treating me as if i was his girlfriend, which at this time i did not consider myself...when i asked him what was going on between us he said that he didn't want to start anything because i didn't know where i was going to be in a year and he didn't know where he would be (i was living about an hr away after graduating from college, preparing for grad school)...this was fine with me, however i made it clear that the touchy feely act had to end...a few days later we went snowmobiling together and he asked me to spend the night at his house rather than drive back to my house...so i did...he then said that he wanted to be more than friends...i of course wasn't completely hip to this idea, but thought hey, why not?...things went great for a while---he wanted me to be present at the birth of his sisters child and involved with the family...then out of no where things changed and we barely saw each other unless i initiated the contact...he still called me 5 times a day and told me he was jealous of my male friends, but things began to go cold...when i moved back to town i thought it would be best to end the charade and move on...so i did and felt good, but still wondered what was going on and how i ended up in the mess i did...at this point, i was crying every day and had dipped to an unhealthy weight
so flash foward to the present day....i am still friends with one of his friends and go out for lunch and bars with this friend...around valentines day his friend told me that mark had been dating two other girls while he was with me...of course i was hurt that i had played the fool but thought ok, whatever, ive moved on and am finally happy again...then out of the blue mark decided to email me---he now lives in PA and was going to be at his parents house for a visit---he wanted to get together with me...not wanting to be mean, i emailed him back and said i was really busy but to call me...well he emailed me back that he didnt want to bother me yada yada and that he was back in PA but would be in town again and wanted to see me then...
so the big question is...do i get together with him or what?...do i just ignore him?...my friends are very divided...some say no way while others say that we were meant to be together and things will work out (we dated for only 8 months)...but my thoughts are once a cheater always a cheater...and i dont understand while after so long (we havent spoken to each other since the break up) that he would make any contact with me (its important to say that his friend has not told mark that we still hang out together)
please help me and give me some guidance....what am i to do?

UNHEALTHY is all over your email!!!! Work on yourself and your self-esteem, self-confiedence and self-responsibility and DO NOT let this guy into your life--take it from someone who has been there...he will not change and the relationship will never be healthy. You will destroy your self-esteem by going back into this. Keep loving yourself, work on you and the right person will come along when he is meant to. Please, take it from me...anything that ends for an unhealthy reason is most likely to remain unhealthy.
Are you dating right now? Do you feel lonely? How is your self-image right now? Do you do things to celebrate YOU? Are you taking care of yourself? Working out? Hanging out with great friends? What is missing in your life that you would want to go back to that place in your life? Identify that and do not make it about ANY guy.
I speak from past experience...it all comes down to what is inside of you--be strong and NO CONTACT with this guy. Ever. Period. If you are hanging out with his friends and it is setting you back, stop doing it.
Take care.
oh gosh no---i have definetly returned the person that i was before dating him and i don't want to be that person again...it felt so good to have him out of my life, but i feel like i ought to forgive him, not necessarily give him another chance, but allow him to speak his mind yada yada...and youre right when you say unhealthy, because thats exactly what it is/was...so why do i feel the way that i do? why am i willing to see him again?
as for dating, ive dated a few nice guys recently, but then realized that i needed some time for me...ive been spending time with friends (and with his friend---who isnt as good of friends with him as he used to be, he feels mark is a male whore, et cetera)and having an absolutely fabulous life....up until this email...which got me thinking about him again and wondering...
so why would he make contact with me?...i think right now thats my biggest question...some people have said that he really really cared about me, but i think 'ya right'
thanks for responding!
he's contacting you because he's in town and he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You can never trust whether or not he has a gf somewhere else. He cheated on you for 8 months with TWO other women! Maybe he decided to be truer to one of them...
You may want to give yourself a chance to forgive him but, is he sorry? Does he know that he hurt (possibly) 3 women due to his actions and no one else's? Has he changed his ways because he knows his past behavior was wrong under ANY circumstances and that he alone is responsible for what he did? No excuses?
If he isn't truly SORRY, not "sorry I lost you" but "sorry I hurt you because of my poor choices" and not "I'm sorry but I was messed up then" or "I didn't know what I wanted" or ANY other excuse that somehow justifies his actions, what is there to forgive?
HEre's your bottom line....what the guy is not wanting is a relationship in an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative, long-term dynamic.
Until a person wants all that work, effort, sacrifice and obligation......then they don't take it on. No matter if you offer sex, or "friendship without strings" or whatever it is.
So he does NOT want a relationship as described above. Nothing you give, offer, do or say is going to change his mind. He's made that apparent even now........back then he made it apparent also FYI......because he's saying "I'll contact you NEXT time I'm in town, I don't want to bother you." Which translates out to - if we can't get together and get it on without alot of conversation and interaction that involves other people - I want no part of it.
So, you've taught him that you're an available source of no obligation sex. You're now wondering why he's knocking on the door? Well, that option is not exactly hanging on trees.......and given that having no obligation sex with you wasn't painful for him in the process...and yo had all the angst and heartache without giving him grief post-involvement...he has no reason to believe another 'casual hookup" is not in his future with you.
What do YOU want remains to be seen...what he wants is evident. IF you've matured, realized that your assumptive and projecting onto his actions and words was what resulted in you taking actions that led to your emotional distress....do you then acknowledge that possibly his character and values - while you don't share them as evidenced by teh lack of justification for no obligation sex - are something of him that you could learn to admire and respect and trust - in a platonic way? IF so, reinvolve on YOUR terms - not sitting there making rules and enticing him to break them. Telling him how it is - and if he puts his hands on you anyway you write him off as good riddance to bad rubbishand move on. IF his entire conversation revolves around sex - move on. IF he is constantly attempting "personal" interaction that doesn't involve interests or others that interest you - move on.
If you don't believe tha tyou're prepared to conduct yourself within your boundaries - don't see him. Because you've already taught him how to treat you by your willingness to engage in no-obligation sex, and that is the "least obligation ridden and negative impactive" type of interaction he could again want with you. If you must assume things - assume that ht elowest standard is what is being pursued - so that any elevation above that level is gratifying. Rather than to assume your high standard is shared...only to find yourself shattered when you find not only isn't your standard shared - you didn't even hold yourself to it either.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com