How many break-ups before we find "it"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
How many break-ups before we find "it"
1
Fri, 11-04-2005 - 11:38pm

Hi,

This board has been so helpful as well as other boards. I am 40 & was dating someone for almost 3 months. He broke it off with me because he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship w/ me or anyone, 2) has issues (confirmed with a mutual friend)...commitment-phobe & to top it off has feelings for an ex that he has kept in touch with but has not been intimate with for over 9 years(when I started dating him, I told him they should go to couples counseling) I guess I should be so blessed we didn't date longer.

Anyway, it has been over 1 month with no contact. It has been hard. What has been instrumental is also reading "It's called a Breakup because it's broken" written by the same guy who wrote "He's just not that into you".

What I realized is that this person treated me the best ever. He complemented me & made me feel so beautiful & so alive. No, we were not intimate. What I am left now with is questioning if 1) it was ever true and will I ever find someone that can treat me like this & commit.

I feel turning 40, never been married, that I only have so many chances before it's all over....like in the next 10 years. I don't want to have kids so that's not a problem. I am just sad. It feel like I am just on the losing end. This last experienc really gave me hope & yes I do see the flaws in it, but how many times do I have to be doing this. With the high divorce rate, I question if love really exists. So many people do seem unhappy. Right now I know I am not ready to date. I feel very jaded & hopeless.

Also if you have any advice about what my response should be to "why are you still single". GAWD I feeel like a loser. I just tell them I haven't found Mr. Right plus I don't want to add to the divorce rate. All of my so-called friends have someone & well, I now consider aquaintance since they don't know or seem to care how hard this is on me. Yes, I am in therapy & on meds. I am doing everything.

Sorry to be such a bummer here. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 7:53am

Your situation is very much like mine. I'm 45 and single, never married. About a month ago I broke up with my CP boyfriend. We were together for 6 months, broke up for 4 months and back together for 3 months. I broke up with him both times for basically the same reasons and have learned that there is no way I would go back to him even though I love him very much.

It's hard, lonely, frustrating and extremely sad. I am trying to date. I have my profile on numerous dating sites. I, too, feel that my time is limited because of my age. No, I don't want children, thank goodness. I, also, feel that I've wasted many years because I was not interested in dating much until I hit my 40's. Again, I have no idea why. I was always happy with myself and very independent.

Good luck to you. I understand all the in's and out's of being with a CP. It's the hardest kind of relationship to be in, imo.