I don't understand men at all!
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| Sun, 11-06-2005 - 10:41am |
I have to get this out of me because I'll spend the day crying and it's useless. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years LAST week. I've realized he wants me to be someone I'm not, and he is not willing to do his bits n' pieces to become someone I need and want, too.
So I drove to his house this morning to retrieve some belongings (he knew I'd be there today) and another woman's car was in the driveway. I was kept outside and told blatently to leave. Another woman! I will guess he just met her last night, for her purse and little else was in the car. So he had a one-night stand 7 days after we broke up...and during this week I've heard nothing but emails and messages saying I love you, I'm sorry, come back.
This has ultimately and obviously closed the door to any form of reconciliation. I'm not someone who can sleep with a stranger 7 days after leaving someone I seriously considered marrying. But I cannot fathom how anyone could do this!!! I have never been so sad and empty and I just don't understand why women will go home with strangers and why ex-boyfriends are complete jerks.
Thanks for letting me vent, ladies! Love stinks.

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My ex did the exact same thing after we broke up. In fact, he met her before we broke up, secured the fact that she would date him, dumped me, and went to her. Nice eh? Then he lied to me about it for years. In the beginning, I thought it didn't matter, and I would have taken him back in a minute. And then time passed, and I got some clarity. And realized what a complete idiot he is. He married her last year, and they had a baby in September. I was even invited to the wedding (we still have contact due to an investment we have together). Needless to say, I did not go. But, time has really healed any bitterness I have toward him and I just see him for who he is: a scared, insecure little boy who will never leave his safety net (mom and dad in hometown) and needed a woman who could support him yet where he would still "call the shots". During our entire relationship, all he wanted to do was "call the shots" and believed I should be grateful he chose me as he was so "hot" and could have anyone he wanted. He actually said that in an email to me. An email I kept, and every time I thought about wanting him back I reread it and got angry. Use your anger, and the knowledge of what he did to help you move on. He has shown you what kind of guy he is. When push comes to shove, what did he do? Did he work on himself so that he could get you back? Did he try to become a better person? Nope...he picked up the first available woman and took her home. That act alone tells you that what he says, and what he does are completely opposite, and that he can't be trusted. I know it is very hard knowing what he did while you still are in love with him...but, this knowledge can be empowering. You know what kind of man he is - and do you want to be with someone who, when things get rough, instead of trying to work them out, he runs off to nail some random chick? Remember this incident every time you think about him and how you might want him back, get angry, and use that anger to move on. 2 things - NEVER LET HIM SEE YOU SWEAT, and THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL.
SC
Thank you very much, ladies. I am relieved in the sense that it's really, truly over because he is slime. Keeps the "what if" worries to a minimum.
Hi Char,
I know you've already gotten some great advise, but I *had* to reply to this post because the same thing happened to me!
The saddest part of all of this is that I am waiting on a doctor's appt to be tested, because I'm terrified that his bad choices are going to affect me. Who knows if Saturday was the first time? With the same girl? These thoughts are weighing heavy on my head today.
Actually the saddest part of all of this is sleeping, dreaming, waking, living every moment of my day feeling like doors are closed for good. I don't think I'm a 'forgive and forget' kind of person with something like this, so I will never go back. It's a strange feeling, that's for sure.
But again, I keep thinking how LUCKY I am that my cheating man gave me a reason to be tested for all sorts of nifty STDs. Any thoughts of loss and romance fly right out the window when I think of the risks he may have taken without me ever knowing about it.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through! I have been there, so I can totally relate.
My ex and I still lived together after we broke up because we had a lease neither one of us could get out of. I found out he was a compulsive liar and had stolen money from me, so there was no chance of us getting back together. One night, I happened to be our apartment with a friend when his "date" showed up at our house- with an overnight bag. I thought I was instantly going to throw up. The next day, he left his shaving kit with condoms sticking out of it in the bathroom, knowing I would see it. We never slept together (my decision, not his) so it was like, "haha- look at me! now I'm having sex!" In the same week, another random girl- that I'm sure he met on the internet- came over and I'm assuming he also slept with her. I couldn't believe that the man that I had loved more than anything in the entire world had just screwed 2 different random girls in the same week! (This contributed to me not eating for a month and losing 15 pounds on the breakup diet :) )
What got me through it (the best I could) was knowing that what we had was special, and what he had with any of those random girls is empty and meaningless. Anyone can get sex- having intimacy with someone is totally different. Whatever you and your ex had, after 2 years together, he's not going to be able to find that very easily. So, you should feel sorry for him that his life is so empty that he needs to be with another girl so quickly. A mature person would know they need to be on their own for a while before getting involved with someone else.
On a sidenote- I don't understand women! What kind of girl sleeps with a guy that just got out of a 2-year relationship a week ago? I wish girls would stop being so pathetic sometimes and have some respect for themselves! Sorry.....I had to get that in there....
Anyway, good luck and hang in there!
Erica
Thanks Erica....nice to see that there is some balance out there. Both men and woman can be horrible and wonderful. Yes, we are different, but both gendersa can be the best of humanity and the worse.
I was considering posting my break up story here. I'm dealing with the break up, but it is hard. Yet, when I read postings here, there is so much male bashing here that I don't think it would be a good idea.
I think if anything, male bashing is instinctive and a coping mechanism to deal with all that's happening to us (well, me). I'm mad, he done me wrong, and the board was a great opportunity for me to get off my chest the things that are really hurting me now.
Mike finally said he had been seeing this girl for the past few weeks and that she was a new direction for him. I am BS angry at the fact that we were still trying to work things out only last week, and my reasons for leaving had everything to do with the very real notion that we were not right for each other.
I still am going to be tested, but I'm not as upset as before. Instead of index cards, I filled an Excel worksheet with things I didn't like. Then I realized I was no prize in this relationship either, that I ended things because I was not happy, and that EVERYONE deserves to find someone who makes them smile. Even my ex.
I think what hurts most are the plans I made in my head that will not be happening - with this guy. It would have been 2 years on the 23rd of this month, and of course the holidays are THISCLOSE! Bad timing, but better than being unhappy but at least in a relationship.
It's hard to get out at my age (35) as nearly all my friends are married. I'm not rushing for anything, though. At least, not until I can wake up in the morning and not feel so sad. Living well and never letting them see you sweat are two pieces of advice I'm carrying around.
Great big thanks to everyone who offered advice. It's a comfort to know there are others out there who are hurting too, but we will all heal in our own time...and find even BETTER people to have in our lives to love and be loved by.
I think, most of you don't understand men, because you expect them to act like you. I could sleep with a guy 7 days after a breakup, and I'm a woman. But then again, if I did that, most likely, I'd be trying to kill the pain I feel, or pretending the man who just left me doesn't mean a thing.
Did anyone ever stop to think that most men hook up with other women fast, cuz they want to replace the pain of the breakup with sex? That they dont' want to face the pain or they fear being alone? Men have issues, just like women. They just handle them differently.
Whereas most women will cry, be depressed, talk to their friends, go to these boards, most men bury themselves in work, or go out more with other women, or even get involved with someone else.
How do I know? Because, that's exactly how I used to act. When a man would break my heart, the first thing I'd do, is find someone else to sleep with, or start a r'ship with. I'd tell the guy how worthless he was and how he just lost a good thing. And then find someone new. Or if the r'ship was heading for the end, I'd just find someone new and then break up with the guy. I've done all those things. It's called, handling it VERY immaturely and being to afraid to face your fears, so instead, you cover them up with something else.
So, when you say, "i don't understand men" instead of thinking he's got this woman to hurt you, ask yourself, maybe he just can't be alone. maybe he's covering his pain with her cuz he's hurt you're gone. Instead of assuming he's doing things to affect you, imagine he's selfish and ask yourself why would he sleep with another woman, or have another woman there? To hurt you? or to make you go away, so he doesn't feel the pain. Most likely, it's the latter. Yup, it hurts you, and it does make you go away, and it shows HIM you still care about him, cuz you get upset. And there you go. You just reacted how he wanted you to. He wants to know you still care, and to let you know that he's moved on (even if he didn't).
It's a sick sick game, but i hate to say it, when you're hurting, it works to get over someone fast......even if it's not healthy.
I simply expected the man I'd shared a bed with for 2years to have more character than he did. Which means you're right: I expected him to be more like me. I don't have much reason to feel as desperate as I did on Sunday, though. I've realized a LOT in those short days and I had been trying to leave for a while. So I got what I wanted in spades!!
But your words give me a different perspective, and I truly appreciate that!
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