DEVASTATED PLEASE HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
DEVASTATED PLEASE HELP
5
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 4:47pm
Hi my boyfriend 23 i'm 31 of two years and half proposed to me last sept 13 my birthday. eventhogh he was young my boyfriend never act his age he was very quiet calm and pasive
did not like to go clubing or go out with his friends to flirt around. he used to see his friends once in a while. he was very faithful and loved me that's why i'm so shocked
he liked to be in his house all the time watch history channel and read the news. boring for somebody his age but that's how he was. i was o.k with that. he was very kind loving and caring but everything change when he proposed.since then i noticed him different he looked sad and down very distant too. i was worry so i decided to ask him yesterday to finally know. he told me he was not sure he wanted to be in a relationship he said relationships were too much work and worries that when he is by himself he is relaxed and do not have to worry about anybody than himself. i was devastated
i don't understant i was the best i coud be. i was very very consider not controling or jeolous when he wanted to go out with his friends i was fine with it. he used to tell me that i was a wonderful person compared with his friends girlfriends, that he was proud of me and loved me so much. so what is for him to much work??? we don't live together i never ask him for money.
he said "when you have a girlfriend you have to worry about if she is happy, to visit her, call her, being intimate, take care of her, and take her out. then he said it was not me that he will probably feel like that with anybody else and then he said "maybe i'm not a relationship person and i should be alone i was shocked!!!! then i ask him "for how long had you feel this way "he said i don't know . then i ask him why he gave me a ring last month and he said because i felt like it . i said so last month you wanted to be married and now you not a relationship person??? i asked him "is this what you really want? to be by yourself he said yeah then i said o.k and we hang up. it was hard for him to said this i have to ask him like: what make you happier this or this what do you want this or this?? finally he said it. he choosed to be by himself. but i still have a message from him from thursday telling me that he loves me very very very much (his own words)
now you can imagen how i feel what should i do if anything
i need some support and help. i cryed so much yesterday and today i feel crashed
please somebody tell me what can i think of that
my frieds are telling me to give him time that he might call shoud i have hopes??????
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:36am

hi vivian1374,
i know you're very hurt and confused right now, and i'm very sorry that you are going through this. break ups are always hard and painful especially when you don't see it coming. i believe the best thing for you right now is to focus on you, not him. i don't think you should wait around for him and cling on in hopes that he will change his mind...that will just prolonge your pain and you won't heal, grow, and feel better, you will either be "stuck" where you are right now, or it will get worse, and you don't want that. right now you just need to go through whatever emotions you are feeling and know that it might be painful right now, but you have to let yourself feel it and go through all the emotions in order to get better and heal, there really is no way around that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 11:48am

Hi Vivian,


Obviously, this is very hard for you, especially since you didn't see it coming.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 7:16pm
hi NIKKI and TRYING TO HEAL
thank you very much for your suppor
it's been really hard. All day i feel going up and down. Sometimes i Hate him, then i cry then i'm sad then i'm o.k
i was hopeless that i was not going to feel o.k but your support and this board is helping me so much !!!!
i love you all of you for your help. Now i know i'm not alone and that make my pain easier to deal with.
thank you so much !!!!!!
vivian.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Tue, 11-08-2005 - 10:48pm

Hi Vivian,

I know it is hard to accept, but I believe other people are right. You should take care of yourself. I've been trying to focus on myself last three weeks. My ex 26 and I 29 ended our relationship three weeks ago. My ex and I were going to celebrate our 1.5 years tomorrow (11/9), instead it is going to be exactly 3 weeks since he broke up with me. We didn't make any promise, but we were very close. While we were together, we went back to my home country to see my family and we took the 3 weeks mainland trip together (I'm in Hawaii). Many people had no doubt we would marry soon. No one, except my ex knew this was coming. He said he wasn't ready to marry. I can feel your pain. You check your phone to make sure if it's working. You check your email every few minutes. You wonder how long this will last. Just remember you are not alone. I'll think of you. We'll work together, Vivian.

Aloha

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-09-2005 - 7:20pm

I usually find these things easier to deal with if I just decide my own ending, and make up my own reasons. Tell yourself that this is truly and completely over, because he is a bit too young and still trying to find himself. You need a grwon man.

This is taking back your power. (As opposed to listening helplessly for the phone.) You decide what will happen. You end it. Then you can begin to heal and then seek the mate you need.

The decision is yours. Whatever you decide, good luck.