I NEED SUPPORT. FIRST DAY SINCE BREAK UP
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| Mon, 11-07-2005 - 5:51pm |
Hi my boyfriend 23 i'm 31 of two years and half proposed to me last sept 13 my birthday. eventhogh he was young my boyfriend never act his age he was very quiet calm and pasive
did not like to go clubing or go out with his friends to flirt around. he used to see his friends once in a while. he was very faithful and loved me that's why i'm so shocked
he liked to be in his house all the time watch history channel and read the news. boring for somebody his age but that's how he was. i was o.k with that. he was very kind loving and caring but everything change when he proposed.since then i noticed him different he looked sad and down very distant too. i was worry so i decided to ask him yesterday to finally know. he told me he was not sure he wanted to be in a relationship he said relationships were too much work and worries that when he is by himself he is relaxed and do not have to worry about anybody than himself. i was devastated
i don't understant i was the best i coud be. i was very very consider not controling or jeolous when he wanted to go out with his friends i was fine with it. he used to tell me that i was a wonderful person compared with his friends girlfriends, that he was proud of me and loved me so much. so what is for him to much work??? we don't live together i never ask him for money.
he said "when you have a girlfriend you have to worry about if she is happy, to visit her, call her, being intimate, take care of her, and take her out. then he said it was not me that he will probably feel like that with anybody else and then he said "maybe i'm not a relationship person and i should be alone i was shocked!!!! then i ask him "for how long had you feel this way "he said i don't know . then i ask him why he gave me a ring last month and he said because i felt like it . i said so last month you wanted to be married and now you not a relationship person??? i asked him "is this what you really want? to be by yourself he said yeah then i said o.k and we hang up. it was hard for him to said this i have to ask him like: what make you happier this or this what do you want this or this?? finally he said it. he choosed to be by himself. but i still have a message from him from thursday telling me that he loves me very very very much (his own words)
now you can imagen how i feel what should i do if anything
i need some support and help. i cryed so much yesterday and today i feel crashed
please somebody tell me what can i think of that
my frieds are telling me to give him time that he might call shoud i have hopes??????
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thank you for you post i really liked it
you have made me think and realize so many things. I never saw him as been so young, but maybe you right he is ONLY 23 what could i expect!!!. he acted so matural but very deep maybe like you said he needs to grow. the posts i have read made me think. a lot!!!!
what do you mean when you said i have to let him decided? and to make sure he is ready? test him? "if you want him to be a man treat him like a man....."???
i don't understand it
anyways i have been feeling up and down all day. sometimes i cry, then i's sad, then i'm angry, then i feel like a fool...
but one think i'm sure about, and is that been getting help from you guys had help me soooo much. i don't feel alone anymore and this is making my pain so much easy do deal with. i hope to keep feeling strong. Goddess I have to tell you that i'm very very hurt. that is painful, that what hurts the most is to know that he knew his feeling and did not have the courage to tell me, what he was going to do?? let me keep planning a wedding?? he said he did not wanted to hurt me, but he was hurting me anyways!!!
it amazing that we (women) can sense things like this. I could feel it. I knew something was happening. my heart was talking to me i just did not listen...well i could not listen because EVERYTIME i ask him he kept telling me how much he wanted to be with me and loved me!!!!
well now i have a question goddess ...when should i sent the ring back???
i hope to hear from you soon !!!!
thank you for making me feel better.. everyday instead of looking for e-mails from him i look foward for your post because i know every single one always make me feel so much better!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL OF YOU
WRITE ME BACK
VIVIAN
Hey Viv! Good to here from you, Well I was hoping that something I said would help. He he! When I first broke up with my ex I some how stumbled upon this site and I believe that is the only way I am making it through this hard time. I was okay yesterday, until he texted me. But then I realized everything he brought me through and I was so mad. I really think i am mad because I want him back, but I know I can't do that right now. Not until he is ready. So this is what I meant by he needs to be ready....
For instance, you are not talking to him right now. Why? Beacause he decided that he didn't want you. So no matter how much you want to tell him off or talk to him, give him time to think about it. Is this really what he wants to do? Because men are very indecisive when it comes to long term commitments and women. And you dont want to get down the line with him and he then says that oh, i can't do this. So by not talking to him, you are making the situation turn to being on your terms at the same time seeing if he really wants you. If he does he will call, or text or e-mail. Now when that first piece of contact comes that doesn't mean its time to get back together. Just means that he hasn't forgot about you. When they decide that they dont want you, they never ever call you again. So thats one way to test him. Plus someone told me while I am going through this that" The man who is worth your time will never leave you and the one who leaves you is never worth it." Get it?
Next, use this time to get over him. Did you rad the posting that tells you how to get over a man? i read that one from I think her name was "wannaheal". It was fantastic! So the first thing i realized was i needed to greive. So you are doing okay, the first days are the worst. My relationship of 3 years went down the drain. So it takes time. You were engaged, so you may take a little bit more time. But the allowed time is 7 days. Cry, pout, sulk, dont eat, talk to yourself, come here and vent, blah blah blah. But you can't stay like that forever. You have to pick yourself up and go. I think about him all the time. When i wake up, getting dresed, going to work, NOW, driving home, going to sleep. The only time i think i didn't think about him was when i went out this weekend. I had so much fun! I could have had more fun with him, but i realized that I need to be happy again and if he cant give it to me then I will get it myself. Now, you haven't got there yet and don't rush yourself. Just keep talking, read a book. See how long you can go without thinking about him, then start all over again, this time try for longer. Do something, Yoga, anything you can to relax and get him off your mind.
Yes, we women can sense these things ahead of time. But whethere you caught it then or after he broke up with you doesn't steal the pain away. But we try to make it work, they just say whatever and maybe another time. Yeah another lifetime! Let him grow up, he may love you but you just focus on what you need to do for you. I went shopping bought some new sexy stello boots, went out, looked good, realized i still got it, then went home watched Sex and the City, cried and remembered how he used to kiss me and my worries would go away because i knew he'd be there. Well where heck is he now?
Stay Strong gurl, Love Ya'!!!!!
Goddess
well today it's been hard really hard.
he hasn't call me or try to make any contact with me at all.
today is day 4. i was feeling o.k the first days, but today i feel so sad and down. i thought with time i will feel better but i'm feeling worse why??? is it because now i'm realizing that this is what he really wants? because i see that he is not calling????
maybe i was just numb the first days and now i seeing that it is for real what is happening !!!
what only makes my pain a little better in posts like yours.
i haven't even try to call him i WON'T ... i have to tell you goddess I'am so hurt and i'm so mad at the same time. what kills me is that i see myself sometimes during the day hoping he will change his mind. how stupid is that!!! I'm so hurt but i'm still hoping!!! and i hate myself for that!!
i have to get over him, obviosly he is getting over me so WHY is so hard for us ?????
i keep asking myself so many things...why he did it, is he going to call? is it over??
well... sometimes everything is so clear but we keep lying to ourself
how can a guy show so much love for you with everyone of his actions and then said the things he told me.... how can a person be like that???
take care goddes let's be strong and keep moving foward
thank you for your support and tell ma how can i help you too
i'm sorry if i sound too bitter today , but that's how i feel ....i feel like a fool
love
vivian
i look foward for your post
please tell me about you too. i want to help you as well you're not alone now you have me to listen to you and help you
hey when should i send him the ring back????
Viv, I sent you a post that for whatever reason never made it up here.
The short story of it was that my niece's fiancee (same age as yours) is acting the very same way (and they just had a baby). Why is he in/out? Because his dad - who was not happily married, ever - spooked him. My niece says it's her responsibility in that relationship to help her bf make the right decision - whatever the outcome may be. I don't believe that, but God love her :)
If your man isn't ready, either wait him out or move on. You deserve to be happy!! If he comes back again and then leaves, well you then have proof that if you DO marry him, he's likely to bolt when things get tough. And things get tough because that's life.
Good luck to ya, and try to keep busy. I've lined up "play dates" with friends for most of the weekend to keep myself occupied.
This situation is so close to mine that your responses seem to be written to me. I hope you are doing better now because that will give me hope to move on also. How stupid was I to allow myself to fall for such a younger guy. I thought and he said he was different.
Good luck to you!
It's going to continue to be very hard for you, and for awhile. If you were me, I would say at least 3 months, but everyone is different.
"what hurts the most is to know that he knew his feeling and did not have the courage to tell me, what he was going to do?"
This says a lot about him being either very young, or very wimpy. Not a man who will make a strong husband. At least not yet. My own husband ended our marriage of many happy years without having the guts to tell me. He was twice your fiance's age, but no guts. Never will have, I fear.
It's a terrible shock and surprise. And you feel like you got no opportunity to make it better/ make it work / or whatever. Just a one-sided decision and your life is upside down. But you are going to come out the other side, stronger and lovelier than ever, Viv. I'll bet every penny I've got. Take care, and seek all means to brighten each of your days.
but i am NOT feeling Any better ....... everyday that goes by i feel worse
Today is day 10. He hasn't call me, or e-mail ..nothing at all. Like i don't exist.
I feel very sad i cry more everyday. I feel i'm going down and i'm scare i'll get depress
I don't know what to do?
how can a person love you one day and then don't even care about your feelings....
if this what a relationship brings to you life???? .... if it is I don't want one anymore in my life EVER !!!!!!
i feel very empty.... i see my self in a mirrow and i see somebody really sad and getting old.
everybody tells me: you young, pretty, smart, successful ...but i think... why can a guy see all this in me and want to be with me and have a famiy????? if anybody hasn't see it yet what make me think it will happen ...
sorry if i sound bitter but that's how i feel
You are NOT LESS THAN because he hasn't called, sent an email or contacted you in any way. This is his way of dealing with it. It's not that you don't exist - even if he called it wouldn't validate that you are worthy, loveable, etc. No Contact does go a long way in helping one heal.
So you have to focus on you and your healing. Set aside an hour a day to cry, journal or write him an UNSENT letter. Tell him everything you want him to know - your anger, how you feel about him not calling, missing him etc.
Then make a list of things you enjoy and start doing them, be kind to yourself, do at least one nice thing for yourself each day - go for a walk, take a bubble bath, listen to great music and dance in your living room, buy yourself flowers, get a manicure/pedicure, ask an old friend to lunch/dinner or the movies.
Start you holiday projects/shopping early. Address holiday cards now. Do you have family near you? Someone with younger kids that might need a babysitter or a night off? Do something nice for someone else, it will make you feel better. Go shopping with them for their kids, help wrap presents, help them decorate their home or tree or whatever. Do something creative - sew, paint, write, make homemade gifts.
Work on your self-esteem. Reading material - some are available at the Library:
Don’t Call that Man – The Survival Guide to Letting Go – Rhonda Finding
Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher
Mars and Venus Starting Over, John Gray
Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella
I Used to Miss Him...But My Aim is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide by Alison James
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD (I highly recommend this one)
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
Pick at least one from each group. My best to you on your healing path.
Carrie
HEY FRIENDS HE WROTE ME THIS TODAY
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS ????
SHOULD I HAVE ANY HOPES????? I'M SORRY BUT I STILL HAVE SOME HOPES!!!!
I have not wanted to reply because I feel very badly for what happened. I do not know when I started feeling like this or if I will ever change. But I know that it is not YOUR fault. And there is no one else, and I don't want anyone else. It's how things are , and I would feel like this with anyone. You made me happy, you made me feel happy to be around you and kept me smiling. I'm just feeling like it's too much to do, not because you ask me to do anything or demand from me.
I want to ask for your forgiveness for being so abrupt about this, and hurting you again; I know it was sudden to you. I am very sorry for putting you through all this and for doing it at a really bad time. There is nothing I can do or say to fix the hurt that you must feel. Just believe me when I say that it is not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you. You are an almost perfect woman, I don't know if there is anyone else like you; probably not. I mean that . You showed me how great a person can be and how giving, considerate, loving and caring a girlfriend should be. I know you don't believe me, but I don't care for anyone else, not since you came along. You showed me the best this world has to offer and I really don't think I'll have that same luck again.
You were right, I can be immature and don't share my feelings enough. It's hard to change some things and this is what it has led to. I can imagine how you must feel and what you're going through. That's what makes me cry, thinking of what I did to you. I cry because I know you must be crying, and asking yourself questions and blaming yourself. You always put yourself down when something happens, but please don't do it this time. YOU ARE NOT a failure, ugly, demanding, pushy; YOU ARE THE TOTAL OPPOSITE. This was not your fault, it's just something that snuck up on me, and I can't stop it.
I just cannot write enough to apologize or make up for the damage. Also, I can't write enough words to tell you how great you are and how much of a difference you made in my life, you showed me the best qualities in a person. I am very very...sorry for building you up, and then knocking you down. I know there is no one to hear you know and how much I meant to you. Trust me, it kills me, I feel like the meanest person in the world. I feel like I lied to you, because I've taken it all away. I wasted two years of your life, I know for you that is a long time. I was the only person you had and I abandoned you. I'm sorry for ruining your life, and wasting your time. I took so much from you and left you with nothing.
You are so great, and I feel like trash for breaking your heart when you repeatedly asked me not to. I hope you are able to be happy again, and trust someone again, and treat someone with all your love again. You are a very beautiful and ambitious woman, and I don't doubt you'll have someone wanting to make you happy. Please don't block anyone from getting close to you again, I don't want to prevent you from finding someone that will fulffill the things you want in life. That would be something that would make me want to die, although I think sometimes it would be better if I were not around to hurt you.
I hope you persevere and continue with your life, and not let this ruin it. Even though I haven't prayed in years, I hope to God that you get to sell your condo and make a lot of money and buy the car you want and live the way you want, and retire. I hope I don't make you give up on anything, or feel like you have nothing to live for.
Please, don't ever apologize to me again, you haven't done anything wrong. I will always be in debt to you for all that you did for me. I don't know if I can ever look you in the eye again, or hold a conversation with you, but we'll see. I'm sorry if you need me for support and I'm not there. I know this way of communicating is very impersonal, but I don't have the courage to talk to you on a phone or in person. I have to hide behind this computer and the distance, because I lack the courage. If you ever need anything from me, you can ask, just please understand how ashamed I am.
I know the only thing left to say is good bye, but I can't even do that.
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