so hard!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
so hard!!!
2
Sat, 11-12-2005 - 9:23pm
i'm having a really rough time today. i talked to him yesterday, but it ended badly, as always. i wanted very much to call back and try and make everything right, but i realized it will never be right. i didn't end up calling back, and neither did he. it's tearing me apart, but i refuse to call. i have to keep reminding myself that it is never going to change. i've been pretty good about not calling or initiating contact, but i still pick up the phone when he calls. i guess i'm always thinking in the back of my head that this will be the one time when he doesn't act like a complete ass, that he realizes what he gave up and everything will be right again. yeah right! me and my delusions. i've been telling myself that for months. it still hasn't happened, and it isn't going to. i'm finally starting to get my head around that.
i feel so sad inside. it hurts to look at the phone and know he won't be calling. it's weird, i've done so good with my no contact that he actually believes that i don't care about him anymore! he couldn't be any more wrong! he takes my not calling as proof that i don't care and have found someone else, also completely untrue. i can't even think about kissing someone, let alone anything else! i still feel bad though, like i'm making a mistake in not calling. like it will be my fault, i don't know. this is so hard. no matter how god awful things have been, i still feel like i need him. I HATE THIS!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 7:49am
This is hard, I agree. I am 6 days into a break up with my first love. My feelings are overwhelming me. I wanted to much to call him last night and beg him to sleep here with me. I didn't want to talk to him, (I knew we would only fight again), but I wanted to just listening to his breathing and have the warmth of his body next to me. The lonliness is like a giant hole. And the time goes by so slowly. But intellectually I know that if I get back with him, (I don't believe that's a possibility), but if I did get back with him, I would be miserable and cry daily. I have written down the top 10 reasons I wanted this break up, (even though he broke up with me I still wanted it). I have a list I keep with me that has the top 10 things that hurt me, with examples. I keep it with me everywhere. I read it and force myself to remember, even experience, those feelings again in order to retain my will to move on. Yes, he had some fabulous special and unique qualities I've never found in another man and I am going to miss those qualities profoundly. But that doesn't change the fact that he also caused me pain and we are not meant to be together. Maybe after I've been healed by time, I can remember the wonderful times we shared, but for now, I need to remain strong and resolute which means focusing on the reasons why it had to end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 2:28pm
What an incredibly sensible and strong post. For your first breakup I stand up and clap...excellent post..everyone needs to read it.