Dumped by First love...LONG winded Sorry
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| Sun, 11-13-2005 - 3:10am |
Hello all,
First of all, I have just realised what and how much I've written and what a psychological fruitcake I will appear like, I hope you all understand if you decide to read this.
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Seeing as there are primarily ladies here I thought I would seek some support and advice from a female perspective (I think I need help from strangers right about now).
I have just broken up with my girlfriend (I am the dumpee) in the last few weeks. This is particularly hard for me because in essence, she was my first true love. I have had some minor relationships in the past, but this is the one serious one I thought would work, despite some complications. Some background....
I'm a 27 year old guy (yes first true love at 27, slack I know), she's 23 and we met through work (she is a client of ours). For starters, this was a long distance relationship (a 1 hour plan flight separates us, there's the major complication). Well anyway, we first started talking in early 2003 so we were friends for a while. I always thought she was so bubbly, friendly and had the cutest voice and we got along so well. Eventually she visited the company in September 2004 and I finally got to meet her, and found out she was gorgeous to boot! She then came up for a holiday in February this year and we agreed to meet again. I ended up even calling in sick to work to spend extra days with her. We felt so comfortable talking to eachother about anything. Admittedly she had told me about past relationships and her last serious 2 year relationship ended badly and she wasn't ready to date and wanted a man free year.
This is when I told her I liked her. Stupid I know, but that's the amazing part, what strikes me is that for me to do this meant I REALLY felt something for this girl. You see I am normally a very shy guy, but with this girl, I pulled out all the stops and we started talking a lot more and pretty much every night. We just got along so well and even knowing she didn't want a relationship (in the end I guess it was selfish of me) that I just wanted to give it my all and couldn't not pursue it further. I thought that may have counted for something that I really wanted to fight to be with her. Eventually we fell in love and she kept saying she was amazed how I managed to break down all her barriers and guards. We were seeing eachother regularly every month (annual leave, public holidays, etc)
She was also so good for me, I'm usually initially very quiet and reserved, but she gave me the confidence to go out, helped me with my look, managed to get a cool haircut, new fashion and started going to the gym to lose weight. She was a very nice, fun loving girl, courteous, friendly and so understanding and tolerant.
Her parents are 2 of the nicest people you'd ever meet, they were so hospitable to me and drove me to the airport and I got to know them really well. We all seemed to have the same values and general courteousness to other people. They are very much like me. They all still have such a loving family relationship too. She is still at home which is fair enough given the cost of housing, but she can still be quite self sufficient (despite needing a lot of my help sometimes, or maybe that was just getting me to feel needed?)
It's so strange because we always have fun when we were actually together, so maybe it's just the distance thing that's the problem. We were talking about me moving next year (she is very close to her family) buying a house, marriage, everything. I like to think I was romantic enough (things like sprinkled rose petals from the garage to my bed with her name spelt out in a love heart amongst all her favourite chocolates, got roses sent to her work, sent balloons and bears to her when she was sick at home).
I think in truth this was a long time coming, I just wanted to love her and be loved and eventually it would all pass. In some ways it is because we don't see eachother enough, she called and broke up with me once just hours before I arrived in her city, and when we saw eachother everything was beautiful and back to normal again.
I don't know what made the final time any different, because based on past experience you always think "no we're never going to break up, this is just the hard times a couple goes through". I am actually very loyal and would NEVER cheat or that sort of thing so maybe I'm just being naive in my hope and dedication to a relationship. At the time of the "final" breakup she said "You'll be right, this is just your first love, you just want to have a girlfriend" which is maybe true. She also said it's mainly the distance thing, but also because I don't knock her socks off anymore and she should really want that. I know this is fair enough and she should really go with her heart and look for something better if she feels the need, but because she has been so wishy washy lately I thought this was just another one of those times. I guess it's usually the guy who can't commit, right? Then again she has always had a "tough love" attitude and has tried breaking up with me kind of "go..get lost Lassie, I hate you!" style because she is a realist and knows it's for the best instead of trying to make a long distance thing work, but then in those instances she's always come back telling me how much she loves me (either that or I've chased after her again to fight for her), so I hope you can understand why I am so confused. In the past she would admit she is so mean to me and I should just dump her, but I'm not like that. She'd ask why i still liked her so much, I tried to explain to her that if you truly love someone then those things don't matter, everyone gets stressed, everyone has bad days, but it's the good things in the relationship at the end of the day that you have to focus on.
Maybe the whole thing about "don't get involved with a girl who is 20 something and beautiful" because she will always move on looking for something better because she can is true?
I know I'm probably sounding very pathetic given there are those of you who have had much longer relationships, but it hurts all the same.
Sorry there is just so much, and I hate to burden people but I just need someone else to understand the pain i'm going through. She wonders why I am still in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way.
We are trying to be friends and I know the no contact rule should apply, but she is meant to still be coming up in December for 2 weeks (we had planned this pre-breakup), plus we still have to work together so it's very awkward. She still calls me and we talk during the week. I don't want to just reject helping, because that's not very nice and it's what I used to do even before we started going out and as a friend I should help. What do I do? It's a no win situation, I don't want to be the cold ex boyfriend who acts like a bastard to try and hurt her for hurting me (I promised her I would never be vindictive and hurt her or her family like that), and prove I'm a better man than that and all the misogynistic guys out there, but if I'm acting normal like I used to (and we end up talking and treating eachother like we used to, which is great), then she thinks I am still in love with her (and god I still am). Not only that, I give myself false hope that we are good again and am just going to get hurt again when I hear that she's seeing someone else. She always said I was the female in the relationship :-)
I don't know what I did wrong, I just wanted a stable relationship with her and for the happy times to just always be there. So I'm a dreamer. It feels so much like it's my fault. I think she;s not ready for a relationship right now despite the fact that she has recently told me she has gone on a date with another guy (which REALLY hurts that she's moved on so quickly), though whether this is true or not I can't know for sure. Plus I think she just wants to have fun again, she has said she is putting her life on hold for something that may not even happen and not getting out there meeting new people. She says she just wants to be single for a while, but is she just saying that for my benefit, or is she just out to still have fun with life? Despite all the negativity of this post, everyone still has good in them, and I know things just get tough.
She got very stressed at work with her boss being mean to her just on Thursday and was crying so called me that night and we had a really good talk and I cheered her up heaps and she was actually saying we could still kiss and stuff when she comes up in December but then that's it (but she has said that a couple of visits ago too), so I didn't know how to take that, then today she told me about the date with another guy she had on Friday. She told me to make sure I'm ok with that, I know I don't want to know about it but I still need to know (you know how it is). I want to know all the details, but it's none of my business and insecurity isn't exactly flattering. I am so confused :~~(
I haven't tried to hurt her or provoke her. Is she deliberately trying to hurt me so she/I can move on better?
Yikes, I'm not usually this neurotic, talkative or focussed on such negativity (honest, I'm a very optimistic usually stress free guy), but I think I really just needed a good vent.
I just can't stand to think of her with someone else sharing things emotionally and physically, that's meant to be me :~( Because this is not something I do every day, I don't know if I want to get back out there again when I felt something so passionate for this girl and she was supposed to be the one. It's true she is so beautiful and I didn't think I would ever end up with someone as beautiful as her and I kept pinching myself on how did I manage it, so I really do appreciate the time I got with her. I really want to see her in December, but don't know if I can ever truly just be a friend and get over her, as much as I want to to prove to myself that I can be an ok person and do the right thing. I just didn't think we would ever break up.
But how do you ever know if you've made the right decision? Did I try hard enough? Maybe she's just putting me through a test again to see if I'm still willing to fight for her. Somehow this time I doubt it because she used to call me all the time, now she's rarely calling me. It was nice that she always called even about the little thing like when she just did something stupid, I know some guys would consider this smothering, but when it goes from calling too much to not calling at all, that sux even more.
I will try to end it there, but I still have so much to say. Thank you all for reading (if you could even get to the end) :-) Talk about a mind dump.
Edited 1/11/2006 1:11 am ET by ivillage_gnat

Hi Michele,
Thanks so much for the reply and thoughts. I hope you're newly broken heart is also on the mend. Yeah I totally understand that the door swings both ways. Believe me I'm actually no stranger to it (my brother-in-law is a fiery Aries and so is my brother). I'm quite placid so generally handle them well.
I hate playing the blame game and tried to understand where our eruptions came from, I think it was a combination of things. Stress at work, pressures in family, pressure of our relationship (she treats me much better as a friend I guess because she has said there isn't so much to lose). She said she never used to be like this and think it is her boss. When she's emotional she says she's her boss's whipping post and it's wrong that I in turn become hers.
I am still thinking about her a lot, it hurts so much that she doesn't want to talk to me and is just going about her life as she did before we met. I hope someone can help me understand why it's so easy for her. It really makes you think that jeez I really mustn't have meant that much to her, did I? However, she has always wanted to appear strong willed and doesn't generally like to show emotion or admit to crying, so some part of me clings to the hope this isn't as easy for her as I think and she realises we are meant to be.
I keep thinking if I don't just start hounding and asking questions and over-analysing and prying and be myself that that spark and chemistry and flame will once again be obvious and she sees I'm the one. I know it's wishful thinking, and you have to try and maintain some dignity, but you've gotta try otherwise you'll never know, right? Please tell me I'm right....
This board has really helped me and it's somewhat comforting to see I'm not alone. Thanks again. I HATE not knowing what she's doing :-(
Edited 1/11/2006 1:16 am ET by ivillage_gnat
You should not torture yourself with what she might be thinking or doing. I sincerely doubt she is getting on with her life away from you without going through her own grieving process. She would have to be a hollow shell to do that which is not the way you described her at all. Each of us grieve out loss in our own way, I'm sure she is doing the same.
As for 'will she come back to you or not', only time will tell. Sometimes being in one's own space is the best thing to do in order to find the true thoughts/feelings that are buried deep within each of us. She might be in this place now.
My best advice to you is, for right now, take care of yourself. The process of letting go is torturous under the best of circumstances. Don't torture yourself more by wondering if she really ever cared or what she might be doing now.