The breakup on my mind...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
The breakup on my mind...
6
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 2:57pm

Do you think you can have a "breakup" with a friend?

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 4:02pm

Wow! I can't believe he just chose to hate you randomly. Was there ever any hint of what might have been wrong?

Personally I think if they can't let you in on group events and plans they're not being very good friends themselves. If this guy really is crazy I would think they would at least try to split their time between you and him, like sometimes inviting him to events and not you and sometimes inviting you and not him. Why does he always get the preference?

I think you have every right to be fed up with this; its sad that you might have to let them go but it doesn't sound to me like they're being very fair to you. I mean at the very least you would think they would try and talk it out with you and him and come to a truce like adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 5:50pm

It might be that your friends realize John is 'crazy' and don't want to antagonize him any further. They may further realize that you'll forgive them. If this is the case, I think your friends may be a little low in character and you should move on. It still must feel like a loss though, especially since you knew them for so long. Good luck to you with whatever you decide to do.

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 6:58pm

Well, I know that has something to do with it... everyone is afraid of John. They're afraid to confront him about it because no one knows how he will react.

I guess I'm just torn. Ninety percent of me wants to just forget them all and move on, but then there's that 10% of me who still has fun with them from time to time. And, of course, I don't want Eli to walk away from me with bad feelings toward me, especially since she knows that I did not cause this and did nothing to cause it... just like she did nothing to cause it the time John decided to be mad at her for a year.

Argh, it is all just so ridiculous. I just want Eli to stop talking to me period. Of course I can't just tell her to stop talking to me, because then she gets really bent out of shape. Of course, I guess that doesn't really matter since I won't be talking to her anyway... I just hate to come out of this looking bad when I haven't done anything.

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 6:59am

Hi,

This is a really tough situation, I'm sorry you're going through this. 'Breaking up' with friends can be just as hard in a different way from breaking off a relationship!

My only suggestion is to try not to think of the group collectively, but think if there are one or two people within the group whose friendship you really do value. And then perhaps make a social plan with just one person at a time, so you get some one on one time. I wouldn't bring up the John issue at all, but at least this way you may get to keep one or two close friends, and stay in touch, without having to deal with the group dynamic.

People change and the relationships between them are constantly changing, and we have no control over this. It sounds like you're doing a great job making new friends as well. Hang in there!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 5:35pm

::She's telling me how hurt *she* is and that if I want to "abandon my friends" that is my decision but I shouldn't expect her to be supportive or nice about it...

My guess is that she feels guilty for already abandoning you in favor of John over the past 2 years and it makes her uncomfortable so she lashed out at you. Also, you upset the 'norm' it makes her and Russell question their decision to remain friends with John. They must like him a whole lot to put up with this situation.

::I just hate to come out of this looking bad when I haven't done anything.

When you don't care how you are perceived you will make the right choice for you, including telling Eli not to call you.

With friends like this you don't need enemies.




Edited 11/15/2005 5:36 pm ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:09pm

Yeah, I know Eli feels guilty and she's scared to death that I'm going to label her as a "bad friend" because I think she really prides herself on being a good friend. Maybe she is a good friend to a lot of people, but not to me. I don't see why it matters if I don't think she's a good friend though, especially if we're not going to be friends...

When I talked to Eli on Saturday she said that she would talk to John about this today. I don't really expect it to happen, but I've been wrong before. During our conversation though, Eli made me promise that we'd work on our friendship if she couldn't get John to come around about things. The reality is, I don't care either way. Well, actually, that isn't entirely true... I just have so much resentment for all of them built up that I don't think I could really be a good friend anyway. I wish she'd just drop it, but Eli won't, for some reason.

I know it's all ridiculous, and that's why I've decided to cut my losses. I hate to go back on my word with Eli, but I suppose the only one who will know I've done it (besides Eli) is me, and I definitely feel like I've been wronged enough by this whole thing that I don't care.

In any event, I feel like I've accomplished a lot in the past couple of months. I wouldn't say I have any real solid friendships yet, but I have the beginnings of a few, which I feel good about.

Thanks for letting me vent!!! I really needed to.

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki