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I need help!
| Fri, 11-18-2005 - 2:40pm |
It has been a couple of weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years. He cheated on me and lied to me the past six months of our relationship. I know it was what I needed to do, but I miss him so much. He is now seeing someone else, he says it is not serious, even though he is at her place every night. I want to shake this feeling and move on, but all I think about is wanting him back. I feel crazy. I have made the mistake of seeing him once a week at the most. He still says he loves me and we act like a couple.I know I should not see him, but I do anyway. I want to get back together with him so bad, I love him so much. All I think about is how to do it, which is making me miserable. I cannot stop thinking about it. Help!!

i'm not one to give you advice on nc, because anyone who know's me on here know's that i've been struggling with that for a year now...yes a year. anyways, i am here to tell you that you are not alone. i know it really hurts, and it's really hard, but it's just something we have to go through in order to heal.
i can't even imagine the pain you must feel since it's only been a few weeks, and he has already moved on. let's try to stay grounded though...as much as you are hurting and missing him, and maybe regreting your decision for breaking up right now (which is perfectly normal)...remember that he cheated on you for 6 months, and probably would have kept doing so if you didn't leave the relationship. i DO NOT believe that once a cheater always a cheater and that all cheaters are bad people (some of them are), but sometimes because we're human, we make mistakes...and sometimes it's because of some sort of issues that may have caused the person to cheat etc...but the people who do and can change are the one's who realize their mistakes and really make an effort to change and deal with and work on their issues...but according to your post, i didn't get that your ex has done anything to realize his mistakes or issues, so bottom line...do you really want to get back with someone who lied and cheated on you for 6 months? you deserve better than that.
that being all said, no matter what he did to you, this was someone you were with for 3.5 years and it's going to hurt no matter what. and i know you're hurting so much right now, and i don't think anything anyone say's is going to make that pain go away unfortunately. and it is still very fresh so you're perfectly "normal" for feeling this way, you are NOT crazy, remember that.
Ok, POOF - you got your wish - you are back together....now what? How long before you get upset that the new girl is still calling because she can't accept that it's over, or he decides they are 'just friends' and you have to accept that he's going to talk to her and see her - how long before he betrays you again? Lies to you and cheats on you?
Thinking you can't move on is directly related to your self-esteem. Even if you got him back to help ease your hurt feelings and feelings of loneliness, the issue of the original lie/betrayal/cheating hasn't been addressed, dealt with or solved. YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of his choices, decisions, words, behavior, cheating, lies, etc.
Since he was cheating, still has you occassionally and is already hooking up with another woman - something tells me, he doesn't want to or like to be alone, or can't be alone and even if you were back together, things wouldn't change.
Wanting him, your feelings are normal. We want the idea of how we think it could be, we want what we miss (the good stuff), we want our feelings to be eased, that we are worthy of their love. You can't love him enough to keep him faithful. You can't make him have character, honor and integrity.
This too shall pass. When you have those intense feelings, write about them, vent on paper, start journal writing. Even write him a few UNSENT letters. My best to you.
Carrie