Need Advice! (Long)
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| Fri, 11-18-2005 - 5:25pm |
Hi everyone,
I have read many of your post and I am so sorry that there is so much suffering here. I wish there was some magical pill that we can take and all our sadness would vanish instantly. I too am very sad and as much love I have left I will give it to here for all of you who need it.
My fiance of 2 years broke up with me last Sunday. It was mostly because of me and my controlling behavior. I guess being 9 years older and more financially established, the motherly part of me took over and possessed me. But the controlling did get very bad.
But for some reason, I could not control it and I could see that it was slowly getting to him. To make up for my weaknesses, I would buy him things that he wanted and do small things for him to assure him that I care. Last weekend was pretty nice. Friday was good and Saturday I went with him to a funeral and he was sad cuz it was a good friend of his. At the funeral was another friend of his who I really don't care for but I was cordial. I guess the site of seeing those two triggered something in my and I just went into my shell and remained silent. After the funeral, I did not say one word. We got back home to his place and I said thank you for driving and started walking toward my car. He said "where are you goin"? I was sarcasstic and said "does it matter"! He said, "I am tired of your f'n attitude and you know what, you should go, I am done" I was shocked and then I went into helpless mode and chased after him and apologized deeply, he said that he doesnt know if he loves me anymore. That shocked me and I didn't know what to say. I begged him and finally he said, "I think we shouldn't be together, You're never going to change, and I don't like feeling like I am living under a microscope or being micro managed." I apologized deeply and I went home. I came back later that evening and we talked and worked things out. The nextday (Sunday) I met him for breakfast and I was still hurting from what he said to me the day before. I am the kind of person that holds on to everything. After lunch, he said he needed to mow the lawn for the people that he stays with and asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I guess the hurt of the previous night was still prevalent and I said, no, I should go. And then that is when he said he doesnt think its going to work. I aplogized again and cried and he had this look in his eyes...and I sad there weeping uncontrollably and he said he had to go...I asked him "why are you treating me this way?, I have been there for you in time in need unconditionally. We have known each for 7 years. Even when I wasn't your girlfriend, I was there for you. I helped you out when you lost your car, I helped you get custody back of your daughter, I helped you financially with your daughter and her visits to you. Why are you treating me this way?" He just sat there quiet and I said that he was an evil person and I told him to do me a favorite and never contact me again. I said you don't deserve someone like me. He said, "your right, I am bad, I am evil and I am no good. You deserve better than me." I got up and left crying.
On Wednesday, I texted him and called him 3 times. The first 2 he didnt answer my car and the last time, he finally answered it and said, " What do you want?" I said I missed him and he said, "you dont have to keep calling me" and he was very cold. I told him about my daughters doctor appt this Friday and he said everything will be okay. I asked him why he hasn't called me to even see if I am okay and he said, "you don't give me the chance too" I am very sad because I have truly been there for him. MY little 3 year old daughter loves him and only knows him as daddy. Today I had an appointment with a Pediatric Cardiologist for my daughter and he knew about it and didn't even call to see how it went. My little one knows him as daddy and adores him. This is why I am sad. Cuz I have truly been there for him in his time of need.
Anyway, do you think I should contact him and tell him how the doctors went? Or just let it go and hope that he calls.
Thank you for all your advice.
Sol
p/s: I enclosed a letter that I wrote to him that he received on Thursday. Just wanted to add it for reference. Thank you!
Please accept my deepest apology for hurting you, myself, and everyone around us. Words cannot express how sorry I am and how sad I feel inside. I let the devilish functions take ahold of me and get the best of me and turn me into a monster.
I let greed, anger and foolishness; the 3 great enemies take over my life and control it. I am ashamed of what I did especially being a Buddhist and believing in Value Creation, the sole anthem of my Buddhist practice. My relationship failed with you because, I lacked the wisdom to make it work. It was my unenlightened mind which was flawed.
I have read about suffering which says “that suffering is caused by looking outside oneself for the cause or solution to the problems. And the fact that I am suffering, it is my problem to solve. But unfortunately, I always looked outside of myself for the answers. I thought if I bought you things or took care of this or that, you will love me more and more. And all along you always told me that you loved me even if I didn’t do those things, but I was deaf to that and only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear.
I can go on and on about what I did for you rather good or bad. It all doesn’t matter at this point. What matter’s most at this point is that we have cultivated a relationship/ friendship for 6+ years. We both have faced many hardships, you financially and me, physically. Still we were able to survive those trying times.
Please don’t let this mishap destroy our garden that we worked so long and hard for. You may have opted to leave me but doing this would only cause you to miss the opportunity for personal growth and to have a better fulfilling relationship/friendship filled with happiness. If you just throw it away or set it aside, the growth you gained with just cause the same delusions and weaknesses to your future relationships, and nothing would change just suffering after suffering. Let’s don’t let that happen. Give our friendship the opportunity to flourish again. I truly want a friendship with you because I really love you as a person.
Please give us the opportunity to open dialogue and grow our friendship. I will always be here for you as I always have. Please be there for me and give us the opportunity to change our karma so we don’t have to carry this burden on and on.
I will give you the time you requested. I sincerely hope that you will look into your heart and not just see the pain I caused you but see the good I have brought to you too. I hope you can see my heart and forgive the pain I have caused you. I know I can be the greatest friend to you because I care for one but mostly because I have acknowledge the pain I have caused you.
With many hopes and prayers……I hope to hear from you.
Love you,

I know you're hurting, but I guess I'm not clear on why you wouldn't give him the time you said you were going to??? No, you should not contact him.
You need to move on with your life as though he's not going to be a part of it any longer. I know that is so hard to do, but there's no guarantee he will make up his mind to come back to you.
In the meantime, it sounds like you realize you have some issues to work on...are you in counseling to do so?
Sheri