Haunted (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Haunted (long)
3
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 7:31pm

I just need some help with stopping horrible nightmares that I have been having for 3 weeks now since I broke up with my boyfriend. Unfortunately we both work together and it has been extremely difficult hearing his voice at work and seeing him. He seems to have moved on with his life and very happy, and I know that when he sees me, he can tell I am still very hurt but he doesn't say anything to me probably because I emailed him one week after the breakup that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, but right now I want to talk to him because I want him to answer some questions but at the same time I don't want talk to him, because it will hurt too much. And these nightmares have been keeping me up all night and I dont' think I had more than 3 hours of sleep/night for the past 3 weeks, and I just need some suggestions to help me move on.

I;ll try to be brief with the history of our relationship because it is so complicated.... We met in January of this year at work, and he chased after me for 5 months to go out with him. I didn't want to go out with him because I lost my best friend by suicide aroudn that time and also had personal issues to work through. But I think because we chatted online almost every night, that he thought he might actually have a chance with me. He felt so comfortable opening up to me about his childhood, past relationship, and his current situation, probably because I never judged him. I only opened up to him slowly about my history when I felt safe to do so. Around May, I did give him a chance because he kept on asking me if I never tried going out with him, I might miss out on something special with him and I would never know if he was the one for me. We went out on dates, and I slept over at his place but we did not have sex. In June, I didn't feel like I was ready for a relationship and I told him how I felt, plus I didn't think we were very compatible with each other. He was extremely sad and cried over this, and I felt guilty and tried to comfort him. It was also around this time that there was a new female coworker, who he flirted with and at the same time tried to convince me to give him another chance. He even tried to get my attention and to get me jealous, by telling me she asked for his number and called him, and he would "whisper" to her when I would walk by. I didn't really care at that time. But he kept on pursuing me still, and I gave him another chance because I had issues with physical intimacy and trust and it seemed like he understood my history and relate to me and he would be able to help me overcome these issues. We both started to talk more openly about our past relationships and childhood pains (we were both molested as a child). It seemed like we were able to talk to each other about anything.

Around July, we fooled around in bed and saw each other naked for the first time one weekend but did not have sex. He was extremely excited by this and so on the next weekend, he went a little too far and went inside me when i told him I didn't want him to. To make matters worse, he ejaculated inside me and I was terrified I might become pregnant. I was raped about 7 years ago and he knew about the rape and the childhoood molestation. I was so traumatized by the whole experience but at the same time, I didn't want to leave him because I put so much effort into trusting someone emotionally and physically and I didn't want to throw all my efforts away; I was really confused. I was also terrified of him hurting me again, but later i realized it wasn't him I was scared of, but the flashback of the rapist. He apologized often about what he did. It was during this time, i noticed him spending more time with this new co-worker, "talking in whispers" at work. He never talked about her like she was his friend. I noticed him being less and less concerned about my emotional well-being and asked him if he was interested in her and he told me "no" and he still loves me very much. He threw me a birthday party and it was such an awkward situation because I did something (which he did not remember) that pissed him off. I didn't know how to react that night and was physically distant. Two days later, I got this urgent phone call from him and he broke up with me because he says I wasn't showing him any emotions or physical affection. He apologized for pushing me into a relationship. I was in shock and very confused and emotionally numb because I wanted to talk about what happened during the party and didn't expect him to break it off. Just before he hung up, he said "This is easier than I thought". and I totally became suspicious about what he was up to. This new co-worker and I was starting to get to know each other for a couple of weeks before the breakup and exchanged emails. Apparently, she and my bf talked to each other often at work and he told me later that he talked about our relationship to her. But looking back, I think he was doing more flirting than talking about us, because she would be having this huge smile on her face every time they talked. And when the three of us were in the same room, she automatically clammed up and would not talk to either one of us or even make eye contact. The night of the breakup, I logged on MSN to see if one of my friends were online, and I noticed the two of them online. It made me sick because my bf never went online before 10:30pm. I knew he broke it off with me to be with her, but he couldn't be honest with me about it. for two weeks of our breakup, he had lunch with her and she would come back with huge smiles on her face, so happy, but on this one day when she had lunch with me instead of sitting with him, she had this guilty look because I found out later, they went to his place the day before to "hang out". My ex-bf also seemed happy. My ex and I happened to work one Sunday together and I confronted him and asked him what the hell was going on between the two of them? He told me she made him feel good about himself and that nothing happened and we both started talking about our feelings and he said he didn't realize I still cared that much about him because I wasn't showing any emotions when we were together. He also could see at work during the breakup, that I was deeply hurt but yet he never tried to console me but went to that OW instead.

We hung out together a couple of days after we talked and had such a good time together. The next day, he asked me to come back to him because he could feel the spark again with me. I was hesitant because of the OW and he told me she didn't mean anything to him. I went back to him because I realized that I did care about him very much even though he hurt me. I noticed a couple of days after we got back together that the girl was crying, so I always suspected something more went on between the two of them and started to ask him questions about the two of them. He was very defensive and angry when I asked him about the two of them. My instincts never trusted what he told me because I know what I saw. I even saw him talk to her several times at work, most likely consoling her. He told me he's not going to talk to her again, but he actually did; When we got back together, we talked more about our feelings towards each other. He said he realized he made a mistake breaking up with me but he never apologized about the fling with the girl because he said they were just friends and nothing happened. We also started having sex and it seemed like that was all he could think about, was just sex with me. It felt uncomfortable at first because of the mistrust, but I actually felt comfortable later on and even initiated it. I let go (or maybe it was more denial) of my fears about him and the OW, and forgave him, so I can start to trust him again. We talked every night on the phone for 2-3 hours before we went to bed, sometimes we'll be online with the webcam. Everything seemed perfect, except I kept on having butterfleis in my stomach every morning, like something was not right. We broke up again on Nov 1 because I had this feeling he and the OW was still talking, and I even brought her up a few times, but was never satisfied with his answers. The day before Halloween, I had this feeling he called her, and talked to her on line after he finished talking to me. I checked his cell phone and sure enough, he did call her. unfortunately, I didn't drive, so I couldnt confront him with this, and waited to next morning. For a whole week before the breakup, I asked my self if I could continue being with him knowing that he still talks to this woman behind my back, and I realized I couldn't be with him. I already made up my mind to end this relationhsip, but I thought that we could be friends. What bothered me the most to this day is his behaviour and everything he said during the breakup. He told me kept their friendship a secret to protect me from being hurt...which I know is bullls**t. He told me he worked really hard to salvage what was left of his "friendship" between him and the OW because of what happened between all three of us during the breakup. He said he felt more comfortable talking to her about things. He also told me that it never felt right having sex with me. And later said he will miss the sex. And that is what has been haunting me for the past 3 weeks that I can't even sleep. I've been having nightmares about him having sex with her in front of me, him kissing and caressing her, and he doesn't even care about my feelings and what he is doing in front of me. I don't know how to stop the night mares. I was having pains on the left side of my chest, like my heart was going to explode. I left messages on his VM and emailed him and told him how I felt but he never returned my calls or my email. A couple of days after our breakup, he would talk to me like we were still friends, and it made me so uncomfortable. That's why I emailed him a week after our breakup to tell him I can't see us ever being friends and I don't want to talk to him anymore. On the night I emailed him the goodbye, he called me but I was too upset to talk to him, and he hasn't called me back or email me. I already knew he wouldn't want to try again with me.

I don't want him back, but a part of me want him to give me answers. I really want some closure about why he continued having sex with me even thuogh he said it didn't feel right to do it with me. I want to know if the real reason he asked me back was to see if he would get sex with me. I know he was physically attracted to me from the start. I want to know why he told me he loved me and could see us gettting married one day but he didn't give me any respect to tell me the truth. He didn't even cry when I told him I wanted the break up. He wasn't even upset, except for the fact I checked his cellphone withouth his knowledge. I don't care about getting answers about the OW anymore. I know he did not love me. He just used me and it is destroying my self-esteem. Every time I see him at work, he looks like this ugly monster who I don't even recognize any more. I'm an emotional wreck at work, crying in the bathrooom and lying to my co-workers that my eyes are red because of allergies. I'm not emotionally ready to look for anotehr job right now, and can't afford to quit. I don't really know what to do.

I see my psychiatrist every two weeks, I don't know if I should ask him to give me some antidepressants. I know my emotional rollercoaster is part of grieving for a loss. I know the pain is a process and time will heal me. I just wish there was something I could do to control my nightmares. I can distract myself with something to do or watch TV when i'm awake, but in my sleep, I can't control anything. It was so hard for me to trust anybody in the beginning but I did trust him and he betrayed me. I was stupid enough to ignore my instincts and tried to trust him a second time. I keep on thinking that if I ask him these questions, his answers will somehow help me heal. I don't expect him to be gentle, I don't care if he tells straight out that he did use me. At least I know the truth. But I know talking to him especially when I'm still in pain is not the answer.

I know this long. Thank you for reading. any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Just want to let you know, I still visit with friends, I don't hide in my room all day. I've been spending my free time working out, got myself a haircut, just basically trying to move on, but I don't really know how to cope with the chest pain and nightmares.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
In reply to: b_ping
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 8:25pm

I will offer you two suggestions:

1) Try to get into a routine at night that will help quiet some of the noise in your head before you go to sleep. Make it a soothing routine. A warm shower, reading a chapter in an uplifting book, a cup of decaf tea, and then sleep. Or whatever works for you. There is something about a routine that settles the mind during periods of high stress.

2) Consider seeing a professional. Your heartache is effecting you physically. Perhaps a mild antidepressant or anti anxiety type medication might be needed for a short time, to help you get through the worse of this. Maybe talk therapy will help.

Please take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
In reply to: b_ping
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 9:40pm

Thanks Michele for your suggestions,

I am actually a very routine person. My problem is not falling asleep but staying asleep. I go to bed around midnight or so and I would wake around 3-4 am because of my nightmares and can't seem to get back to sleep again. Since I'm living at home, there isn't really a lot I can do in the middle of the night without making too much noise. I usually fall asleep with the radio on. I concentrate on the music when my mind starts thinking about the pain, but sometimes it is difficult because of the types of songs that comes on. Lately, I've been watching my favorite movies before I go to bed and just think about why I enjoyed the movie. But once I wake up, I think it's because the dreams are so disturbing, I have trouble getting it out of my head and start thinking about it.

As for see a professional, I've been seeing my psychiatrist for a few years now. He knows the breakup is very difficult on me because I have trust issues. I haven't been in a relationship in 4 years before this one. This guy basically betrayed me and used me. He told me what I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. And it doesn't help working in the same company with him.

I think a part of me still thinks he is that sincere guy who cared about my feelings like when we first met. Or maybe I still want him to be. All I know is I don't want to hear about what is going on in his life. I don't want to hear him or see him. And I'll admit that I am a bit obsessed about getting answers from him. And I think I have to let that go. I guess it doesn't matter why he hurt me. What matters is my feelings towards him and what he did. It's like my best friend's suicide. I don't know why he killed himself, but I had to deal with how it affected me. But just seeing and hearing him everyday at work makes it so much harder to move on, and I'm not emotionally ready to find a new job yet and I can't quit for financial reasons.

I don't know if i make any sense. I just know for a while I was really angry at myself for initially ignoring my instincts. Now, I'm in a lot of pain once I was able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realizing that he lied to me and used me really really hurts. Come to think of it, I think all my past relationships had always been this way, with the guy taking advantage of me some way or another. I guess this is something I will have explore further.

Ping

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
In reply to: b_ping
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 10:36pm

HUGS!! It certainly sounds like you've been through a lot. As far as sleeping, I think that you should ask for some type of medication to help you sleep. There are some herbal things you could even look into trying. I was breastfeeding my son when my h left and I found an herbal supplement to take.

As far as expecting answers, sometimes people just can't give the answers. My ex h left me 19 months ago for another woman, however, he STILL can't admit that he has a girlfriend (shes there when my kids go to visit). He just isnt capable. It bothered me for a LONG time but I just had to accept the fact thats the way he is. I wanted him to tell me that he was seeing another woman. I can't change him, but I can change me and how I think about things.

I wish you luck.
Chris