Stupid me
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| Mon, 11-21-2005 - 12:09am |
I guess I don't really belong under the "newly heartbroken" category since my breakup occurred over a year ago, but this is the way I'm feeling right now...
I'm feeling really down and SO stupid. I've kept in on and off contact with my ex since we first broke up, and in recent months, it's been more on. But we talked about three weeks ago and I decided that it wasn't healthy for me, so I told myself that it should be the last time. It didn't go badly or anything; he actually tried to confess that he still has "feelings" for me. But I've been talking to a therapist lately and have been slowly realizing that talking to my ex isn't the best idea. So I haven't been contacting him, or even thinking of contacting him really since then, and I've felt a lot better.
But he sent me a text yesterday (Saturday), about his college's football team winning their game. I wasn't going to respond at first, but then I guess I thought to myself, why not? It seemed harmless enough. So we texted back and forth for a little while and he eventually asked if we could talk online later. I agreed and we began talking a few hours later. We had a fairly long conversation, and he ended up telling me that he still loves me. He said he can't seem to let go, and that he really misses me. He said that despite everything that's happened between us in the past, he has come to realize that he still really cares about me, and wonders if he should be with me. He said that I drive him nuts, and that I don't "feel anything near what he feels for me." I told him that I wasn't sure what I think of him anymore. I said that I still cared, but I had put up so many walls and the thought of getting close to him again scared me. I said that I didn't trust him. I told him I was hurt and disappointed by all the things he's done to me in the past and that I didn't think I'd want or be able to let my guard down with him again. I reminded him he was engaged--to which he said "we can talk about that later, blah."
He ended up asking if he could call me before we went to bed, and I said no--that felt good. I was pretty proud of myself. But I spent half the night awake, thinking of him. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I know he must sound like a total scumbag, but he does have some amazing qualities. I miss being close to him. I still care about him a ton, and it made me so happy when he said that he still cares as well. For so long, I've been trying to fool myself into thinking that I'm okay, that I'm over him, and that I could possibly be his friend. But when it comes down to it...I still have these crazy feelings for him. I went to sleep last night with a smile on my face and hope in my heart. I felt like he might actually be coming back into my life and even though it felt wrong in so many ways, the thought of that happening also made me really happy. I had always felt such a strong connection to my ex, which died when we broke up...but I could feel it last night. It seemed like it was coming back again; I felt more alive than I have in a long time. I was excited at the idea of talking to him again.
Well, guess what? We talked today. And let me tell you...I've never felt so foolish. I should have known better; I thought I did. But I guess I wanted so badly to believe that things could work out somehow between us that I chose to ignore any doubts/fears I had. It was a very civil conversation; no fighting or anything like that. But he wasn't acting affectionate like last night. Instead he talked about school and his fiancee. While talking last night, he made it sound like things weren't going well, and when we talked a few weeks ago he told me that he had been second-guessing things with her, etc. But tonight it was nothing like that. It isn't that he was oozing with love about her, but he just made little comments about how he doesn't tan anymore because she thinks it's bad for him; how they went out to eat the other night, etc. It certainly didn't sound like they had broken up or anything. It was just a normal conversation about ordinary things; there was no emotion or feelings involved this time. Oh wait--he did tell me that he has a "secret crush" on me...and he did say that he loves me. But then he teased me about still loving him, and made everything seem like a big joke. It was like our conversation the previous night had never happened. In fact, when I brought it up, he just blew me off...apparently he had been drinking last night (big surprise) and although he said he wasn't drunk, the alcohol obviously had some kind of effect on him. I told him that I should have figured he was drunk because he had told me a "bunch of crap." He seemed a little offended, but didn't get into it. Our conversation ended about ten minutes ago, and our goodbyes were simple. He just said, "well, I've gotta go finish some homework...I'll hit you up soon." And I just said, "alright, see ya." That was it.
So wow, I'm feeling pretty stupid right now. I'm feeling stupid for keeping in contact with him when I knew it was wrong and everyone in the world (including this board) told me not to. I'm feeling stupid for still caring about him and for getting so excited at the thought of us possibly getting back together somehow. I'm feeling stupid for reading too much into his words and overanalyzing everything he said. I'm feeling stupid for actually believing anything he says. I'm feeling stupid for still wishing things could be different. I'm feeling stupid for not being able to let go. I'm feeling stupid for even considering getting back together with him. I'm feeling stupid because right now I just want to cry and scream, and on Friday night I was doing fine and out having fun with my friends and not thinking of my ex at all. I'm feeling stupid for feeling like I'm losing or missing out by not being with him and for being jealous of my ex's fiancee. I'm feeling stupid because I know he's a cheater and a liar and a very manipulative person and I still let him get to me like this. I'm feeling stupid for being insecure and somewhat self-destructive. I'm feeling stupid for wondering if I'm going to talk to him again, despite everything I just wrote about. I'm feeling stupid because I'm panicking right now even though I know in a few days I won't be thinking of him much, if at all. I'm feeling stupid because I know I'd be better off shutting him out of my life, FOR GOOD, yet I can't seem to do it. I'm feeling stupid because he probably thinks of me as this pathetic, crazy, still in love with him, can't let go of him ex-girlfriend. I'm feeling stupid because apparently he's right...

hey hun,
as soon as i saw the title of your post .. and especially how it was placed in the newly heartbroken section .. i immediately thought "oh no."
(((HUGS)))
im sorry you're feeling low right now .. i know youve come a looooong way since last summer over a year ago when we first began to support each other through our breakups - .. but i know youre still in a painful spot nonetheless - and for that, many hugs to you!
so, theres clearly no point in me (or anyone else) telling you to employ NC... you know it yourself how necessary it is, and youve been told a thousand times too many already...
and im not going to lie either, taking your conversations with him this far - really was a stupid move... but darlin', youre human - and we all make mistakes.. moreover, we often need to make STUPID mistakes before we smarten up.. so perhaps then - this is your opportunity to change everything?? to at last fully recover from the breakup? to finally cut him out for good?? to start thinking about YOU and ONLY YOU now??
i completely understand how it must have felt to uncontrollably hope and feel a glimmer of happiness. our ex's have had such an impact on us, and for whatever personal reasons we may have - it IS so diffcult to keep our walls up even when theyve been trained to be thick and protective.
i dont know if you remember or not.. but i came up with this theory about hope last year... at one point, i realized that the hope in our heartbreaks may be best understood with this analogy:
hope is like a life-jacket, a water-raft, some sort of water-floating safety device that we clung to in what is a sea of our broken-hearted tears. we cling on, and hold tightly to this hope...sometimes we want to let go of it, sometimes we even realize we should.. but the actual action of letting go of our safety hope and facing the possibility of drowning in our sea of misery - just seems too scary and impossible to do that in the end, we often just keep on clinging. but what ends up happening is... this safty raft does absolutely nothing for us but instead, just keeps up floating in the same spot endlessly. anyone who has used a lifejacket will know - such floating devices never help us in actually swimming far. and even when we achieve distance, the device will often just bring us back to square one. it isnt until we actually let go of this safety floating device called hope - that we may actually begin our journey. yes, it will be an immense struggle to try and swim and even harder to so much as even stay afloat in our sea of misery and tears... but in the end, through determinance and drive - we can and will swim back to land at last...
so hun, perhaps its time you REALLY let it all go ...?
anyways, as always - im here :) .. i check the board every day (still! lol) .. i hope this event will pass its course in a few days and youll be back to yourself ..
(((HUGS)))
eeksj
I think you are like me - uncontrolably in love with the man you thought he was....not the man he is. You need to focus your thought completely on what he really is so that your feelings follow the man, not the dream.
I made a list of the good reasons for my break up and read it every time I started 'dreaming' about what I could have had with my ex. I also made a list of the wonderful qualities that I feel in love with and took a hard, honest look at that list. You know what I found? Not one of those qualities could not be found in another man. I haven't really 'given up' anything. I will just continue my search for a man with those wonderful, loving qualities but without the relationship killer qualities that were also part of my ex.
I am no where near a point to start dating or even looking at this point. But I realize, one day I will be.
Stay strong and keep us posted.
When you're done beating yourself up for your mistake, I hope you will LEARN from it. That's all any of us can ask of ourselves.
So you were stupid. So what? We've all been there, done that. You're HUMAN, it happens!
I'm sure he does have amazing qualities...but doesn't having that kind of conversation with you when he is ENGAGED trump any of those qualities, by a wide margin? When you think about him, I think stopping yourself and saying to yourself "He is ENGAGED!!!" should help. Get angry...he's a jerk to do this to you and to his fiance.
Use your embarrassment and mortification to your benefit...take steps NOW to make it harder for him to get in contact with you. BLOCK him from texting or emailing you, for starters. Call your phone company and get call rejection, if that's an option.
I'm very glad to hear you are talking to a counselor...good for you. Do you have an appt. this week?
Sheri
Carrie