Hmmm...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Hmmm...
3
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 7:13pm

Well, I did it...

I talked to my ex just a few minutes ago and told him that I didn't want to talk anymore. Call me stupid, but I guess I wanted to tell him instead of just blocking/ignoring him right away...especially since we've been in contact lately and I'm sure he thought everything was fine between us.

I made sure I was calm and collected before I initiated the conversation, but now I'm in tears. God, it's been over a year since we broke up! But here I am, bawling my eyes out like a baby. I guess it's finally hit me just how final this is. I'm not going to talk to him again. I'm never going to see him again. I'm not free to contact him whenever I feel like it. I'm not going to be a part of his life in any way. He isn't going to be a part of mine.

It was actually a fairly civil conversation. I just flat out told him that I thought it would be for the best if we didn't talk anymore. He tried to fight me on it for a little while--I told him that I didn't see any reason why we should continue being friends, and he said that he enjoys talking to me, likes the advice I give him, and that we've talked for so long. He said that he obviously cares about me and misses me sometimes. He said he considers me a "cool and unique friend." HA. I told him I wished things could go back to the way they used to be, but I know that's never going to happen; I said I didn't see us getting close again. He said, "well you never know, maybe we will get closer...I could use more of you in my life." And I said no.

I said that contact with him messes with my head, and he said "well, you're already pretty messed up...how could it get worse?" I said that he shouldn't tell me things like what he told me on Saturday (how he loves me, has these crazy feelings, etc) and that I didn't believe he actually cares about me...and he said, "I do have some weird feelings about you and I definitely care about you." But you know what? I don't believe him. I don't trust him anymore. And even if he does still care about me, WHAT DOES IT MATTER?! Despite all the lines he's fed me about how much he still cares about/loves me, we are never going to be together again. He's engaged. He's not planning on being with me. Oh wait, he said something about how he'd love to hang out with me if I lived closer to him, but obviously that isn't a possibility right now. Haha yeah, big surprise.

I asked him if he thought it was finally time for us, whatever we are, to end...he said he didn't think in "absolutes," and that he usually just went along with whatever happened. Then he said if I didn't want him to talk to me, he wouldn't; it was my choice and my life. And I said okay. He told me that he hopes everything in my life goes well, and that he's sure he will "miss me from time to time." I told him that I hope everything goes well for him too. And that was it.

You know what? I was feeling pretty panicky when I first started writing this post...but I've calmed down considerably since then. Maybe because I'm proud of myself for finally doing what I know I needed to. My ex isn't someone that I want in my life. He is manipulative, selfish, a liar, cheater, etc. He has hurt me numerous times in the past. He isn't the person I thought he was...I had a fantasy image of him. Even if he does care about me in his own twisted way, it doesn't mean anything. He is unavailable. I can't be with him. I can't be his "friend." It was killing me inside...

I'm not as devastated as I was when we first broke up, that's for sure. I mean, let's face it...the actual relationship has been over for some time now. I am sad though...I still wish things could have ended differently. I'm glad I'm doing what is best for ME, but I am going to miss some things about my ex. It's scary to finally let go...it's scary to know that I'm not going to talk to him again. Some of you have recommended thinking of no-contact as temporary, but I can almost guarantee that it will be permanent in my case. My ex may not think in "absolutes," but I know he wouldn't be willing to talk to me in the future. I'm sure he takes this personally and sees it as rejection in some way. But that's okay. I guess when it comes down to it, I couldn't be his friend again, even when I'm "over" him. He simply doesn't have the qualities I find valuable in a friend, no matter how much I wish he did.

I'm hurting a LOT right now. Honestly, my ex has been an important part of my life for such a long time that right now it's hard to imagine not having him in it. In fact, I think a part of me still doesn't fully believe, or comprehend it. But I have a good support system of friends...in fact, I talked to one of them this morning about this situation and he encouraged me to end it for good. He's always hated the way my ex has treated me, and actually yelled at and talked some sense into me :) And I love my family dearly, and am heading home for Thanksgiving break on Wednesday. So I'm not too worried about keeping myself occupied. I guess it's not as horrible of an adjustment as when we first broke up either...back then, I was used to talking to him every day as opposed to every few weeks/months. My ex hasn't exactly been a big part of my daily routine in the past year!

For so long, I've felt guilty over my own mistakes in causing our relationship to fail, and for not being completely willing to be friends with my ex. But I guess I've finally had enough...I'm tired of it. I'm sick of the drama and chaos he causes me and feeling sad, lonely, scared, etc. I'm sick of wondering if my ex cares about me and when the next time we talk will be. I'm sick of hoping things will change between us and getting disappointed when they don't.

I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason and that this really is for the best. I know I'll be okay...I know I'll be better off without him in my life. But don't be surprised to see more posts from me in the near future...I'm sure I'll be going through ups and downs.

P.S. Thanks for listening to me vent, and for all the great advice everyone has been giving me (especially on my last recent post "Stupid Me." :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kcl19310
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 7:18pm

So, after all that...DID you block him??? If not, you need to do so NOW.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: kcl19310
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 8:33pm
I know that dance..back and forth..man, don't second guess your decision. U did good. I too have an ex who claims his new sex buddy is "just a friend" and he still loves me and wants to see me when he comes to town..what do I get out of that..NADA...so long, sayonara, adios..enough is enough..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: kcl19310
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 6:18pm

Thanks for your replies.

This may sound crazy, but I've been feeling really good all day. I think I had some type of epiphany while sitting in class this morning because I suddenly realized that I had made the right choice in ending contact with my ex. It just occurred to me that no matter what, he is never going to be the person I want him to be. I've been holding onto my fantasy image of him for so long, but it's never going to become a reality. I hadn't wanted to accept the fact that my ex isn't who I thought he was. He is not a nice guy and does not have good morals. But I've finally realized that I'm going to be better off without him in my life. Maybe I had to almost hit rock bottom in the situation before coming to this conclusion, but I've made it.

Last night I went to bed feeling pretty upset. I called a friend of mine and we talked for awhile. He's never liked my ex and I knew he would be happy to hear that I had finally cut off contact with him. He was proud of me...and you know what? I'm proud of myself. I'm finally doing what's best for ME. Today in class I made a list of all the reasons my ex is unhealthy for me, and of all the things he's done to hurt me in the past. Wow, it was long...it actually made me a little ashamed to see that I've allowed him to cause me so much pain before I came to my senses. But oh well, right? :) We all make mistakes...and seeing that list in front of me just reaffirmed what I was already thinking--my ex is not the person for me. He does not deserve to be with me or even to be my friend. I'm not willing to waste anymore of my time and energy on him.

I'm still sad that I lost someone who was so important to me. It still saddens me that it had to turn out this way, and that we aren't able to be friends. I even felt a little guilty last night, thinking about how my ex probably hates me. But in the end it really doesn't matter. I'm hoping that someday I'll be able to look back on this and smile, maybe even laugh...if I even think of it at all.

I found some good advice last night and printed it off to read when I'm feeling down or weak; just thought I'd share it with all of you...I know it made me reevaluate things.

"See people for who they are, not who you want them to be. See a relationship for what it is, not what you want it to be. This is a very difficult skill to learn, but until you learn this, you will probably never find someone who you are able to have a good relationship with. When you are with someone, you need to make conscious evaluations of who they are, how they act in relation to you, what they are like, how they treat you, what you are looking for, etc. You need to be precise and almost harsh about how you evaluate them, and be honest, at the very least with yourself, and see them exactly as they are. Literally ask yourself: Where is this relationship going, and where do I want it to go? What does this person think of me and how does this compare to what I want from the relationship? Things like that. Stupid people say that love is blind. Those people get used. Smart people realize that love, on a basic level, is a calculation. They have good relationships. This DOES NOT mean that attraction is a mathematical calculation or something like that. Far from it. But you must measure and understand your RELATIONSHIP to someone, and make the calculations about that upfront and conscious, instead of subconscious. You must objectively evaluate your relationships and dispassionately decide what is best for you, or you will get used and burned."
and
"There are two time-tested and very effective ways to judge how a person feels about you:
1. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior: What people have done in the past is probably how they will act in the future. Not always, and be careful, because guys especially do mature, but maturation is different than a wholesale personality shift. No one changes substantially over a short period of time. Personality maturation is a glacial process.
2. Actions are the true windows into the soul: Pay attention to how people treat you, and not just in the beginning, fun, chase part of the relationship. If a guy treats you like crap, DO NOT be surprised when he sleeps with your friend. If a girl doesn't return your calls, DO NOT be surprised when she sleeps with some other guy. People are how they act; watch them and learn who they truly are."
and
"People cannot let love go, even when it's bad, for many reasons. I don't even know if I can list them because I don't know them all. But here are the three main ones:
-Security: This is especially true with women. A relationship and love, even if it sucks, is often seen as better than nothing at all. This is an extraordinarily strong reason, and many people will continue in a relationship long after it's over, simply because of inertia and security.
-Pain aversion: Most people will avoid pain now, even at the cost of increased pain later. It takes intelligence, discipline and maturity to take a hit now to avoid a harder one later.
-Fear of the unknown: People fear the unknown and fear being alone. The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know, and people are often unsure if they can do better or if they will ever have that sort of thing again, so they cling to it.
It is better to hurt a little now than be crushed later, and it's better to realize things about them now than after I have committed my emotions. And it is better to eventually be with someone who will want to be with me just as much as I want to be with them. Most people project their feelings onto their partner, and because they are so desperate for love and affection, project these feelings where they may not exist. And of course, this causes a feedback loop, keeping you in the relationship."