can't stop crying. please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2005
can't stop crying. please help
2
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 12:31pm
please help me. i am in so much pain it feels physical. i know this pain can't last forever, or at least i hope it can't, but from where i am sitting it doesn't look like it will subside anytime soon. i was just in a relationship for a year and a half. with someone who loved me more then i ever felt loved, and i loved him that way as well. he was amazing to me and told me i was the first woman he ever loved. the past 5 months our relationship hit some serious stressful issues. life events that would put any relationship to the test. he started to withdraw, i started to get clingy, insecure and just a mess. in the end i pushed him away. he broke up with me a month or so ago and we both missed each other so we kept talking, etc. well because of that we contined to see each other and spend time together and it felt like things were on the up and up. he called me 3 times a day, asked to see me everyday. etc. then we got in a big blowup fight where he told me it was over. he told me the only reason he was seeing me the past couple of weeks is because he cared about me as a person. not because he loved me or wanted to be with me. it was so hurtful because two weeks before he told me he loved me more then anyone ever, he loved me so much he couldn't even look at my face and break up with me cause he would cry, however, rationally we could not be together, because of some of our relationship issues that would end up destroying us. the day of our breakup he told me he didn't love me anymore. now, at the time we were in a MAJOR argument, and i think him saying that was out of anger, and to push me away and make me leave his house, but you never know. it killed me. we broke up two weeks ago. i am dying for him back, i cry hysterically, and we have talked. we spoke three days ago and he told me he missed me, the little things, and he was having a hard time disconnecting from me. of course it gave me hope, but i didn't bite. i didnt say anything, instead i acted like i was over him. even though i wasn't. instead of calling him by his pet name, like he contined to use mine, i called him by his real name which i hadn't used since the day i met him. it was probably hurtful to him, but i didn't want to put my wall down. i was sooooo sad. he told me he is worried about seeing me, because he is reacting so emotionally to everything. very coldly i said, well don't worry, because when you see my face, just remember you dont love me anymore and everything will be fine. he goes, "thats right" to which i told him he was so macho and he laughed. yesterday, in a weak moment i called him. i was so sad and told him i wasn't looking to get back together, i was just having a set back. he wasn't so receptive on the phone even though two days before he was the one missing me, but i guess i wasn't so receptive on the phone then either. maybe we are playing games. who knows. anyway, after we hung up i left him a message just saying how i was feeling and i text messaged him as well. i was devastated to find out he didnt call me back or email me last night. i know when you are broken up you aren't supposed to be talking. but i just can't beleive he has moved on so quickly. he obviously isn't missing me or he would make an effort to contact me, contrary to what he says. i am also worried he found someone else and thats why he is moving on and wanted his freedom. i know the heartache will eventually subside, but from where i am sitting it doesnt seem like it ever will.
anyway who can offer advice, i would be much apprechiative. thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 1:01pm

i think most of us on here would like a magic pill to make all this pain go away for you and for us, but no one's discovered it yet. i know it hurts so bad right now, but "the only way out is through"(it was posted on here).

you don't know forsure if you're ex is really over you..he could be, or maybe this is his way of dealing, letting go..he might be hurting just as much as you, but his healing/coping methods are different than yours. but the issue here really shouldn't be him, you need to focus on you right now. you have to try to take steps for YOU to get through this..start to take the steps to YOUR healing, and when you're ready/willing to do that, you will start to focus/concentrate more on YOU and not him.

my break up was a year ago. i was with him for 4(lived for 2yrs). i broke up with him(my own issues/stuff), he loved me sooooooo much, i loved him too. he really was/is a great man. anyways, i know how it feels to want to be with him sooooooooo badly...it used to hurt so much that i honestly had trouble breathing to stay alive, i could barely function. and a year later, with a lot of work/soul searching on my behalf and with the help of God, i'm much better, but still not fully healed, and i haven't fully let goed. i don't cry all that much anymore, but it still hurts. apart of me still longs for him, and still wonders every now and then if i made the right decision...but i have to believe that i did.

i'm not one to preach about nc, because everyone on here who has read my posts the last few months knows i struggle with that still. we all know we shouldn't have nc, so i don't need to tell you...hopefully you will have more success with that than i have(sigh...). but i will tell you that my ex and i went through (and still somewhat going through)what you and your ex are going through now. the going back and forth, the "i miss u's", sleeping together, spending time together, basically being together without "being together"...it's a horrible cycle that will really make it sooooooo difficult to fully. t move on for the both of you. the sooner you can do the nc thing, the sooner you'll be able to think more rationally, and soul search and figure out what YOU can do for YOU to begin your healing journey. nc alone, and time alone will not heal all wounds like a lot of people think, BUT, NC is definately the bare minimum you need to atleast make it easier for your healing to begin.

take care...you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 7:01pm

First of all, I just want to let you know that you're not alone. You're an articulate, caring woman and I know from the bottom of my heart that you're going to have the strength to get through this. I think deep down you know what you need to do, but you just need a little moral support. I hope I can help even a little.

These incidents where he's contacting you or you contacting him is hurting you more than helping. Frankly, there really isn't that much you guys need to say to each other since he's moved out for a while already. All the logistics are pretty much solved by now. His calls earlier saying how he used to call you by your old nicknames doesn't mean he holds attachment. You are familiar. You are comforting. He knows you love him. Yet it doesn't mean he loves you - because someone who loves you doesn't exhibit those behaviors you've mentioned.

Keep strong. Even though I'm in pain right now, I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers.