Taking A Chance
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| Wed, 11-23-2005 - 4:39pm |
This is really taking a chance if ever there was one, mainly because I'm a guy so I'm not sure how welcome I am here. But this is a one time thing and I won't be posting after this I promise. At first I didn't even realize this was an all women's site but after reading some of the postings it's exactly what I was looking for to gain some insight into my current situation. I'm vulnerable enough right now so I hope you people don't slam me too bad.
I'm in the midst of a breakup with a woman after being with her for almost 2 years. She's a single mom with 3 kids and a really nasty ex-husband and I'm a single dad with 1 son and an ex who's a really good friend of mine.
For years before I met this woman I had wanted to relocate back down south as I was tired of the drab town I was living in for 20 years up north and the winters were killing me. This fall I finally got the chance to make the move happen and I knew my girlfriend wasn't going to be able to go because of her kids and her ex would cause a lot of problems. This is something I have wanted for a long time and I didn't want to make the decision to remain in a place I no longer wanted to live based on a relationship. I did everything I could to try to reassure her that we could try to make this work long distance for a little while and if it got to be too much I would cancel it all and move back up north.
The day I left she fell apart. She was supportive up until that day but fell into a deep depression for an entire month. We would talk on the phone every night but I couldn't just come back right then because I had already made a huge expensive move and my son was with my ex in the new town. I tried to reassure her that I loved her and everything would be okay and I'm going to be coming back to see her just as soon as I could but the damage had already been done. When I went to go back for the month of October she was all romantic and happy when I got off the plane but then she tells me we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend any more for the time I was visiting. I found this awkward and was ready to leave within a day or two but she wanted me to stay around longer and see the kids and spend time. We talked about a lot of things, did some crying, and after a few days we got romantic again, holding hands, getting intimate and it was like we were back on. The trip ended nicely after about 10 days so I figured things were cool for now. Keep in mind I had always intended a future with this woman and loved her deeply.
When I got back to my new town, I noticed she wasn't calling as much so I got concerned. I pressed her on it and she became resentful saying I was trying to control her which I really wasn't I just missed talking to her. Next thing she needs space and time which was fine but I really didn't know where I stood because when I last saw her things got good again.
One weekend I was in a major low. I was missing her terribly and realized I had made a huge mistake and my life felt empty without her. I called her up to tell her this and that I wanted to come back and start our future but it was too late. She was angry with me and said that I think I can just come back up there and fix everything and all will be fine and that's really selfish of me. I said I didn't think that but that I wanted to find at least a starting point to rebuild. She said she doesn't want that now and that she needs time and space.
More time goes on, getting into early Nov and we had plans to spend Thanksgiving together. The non contact was killing me and I couldn't take not knowing where I stood so I called and text messaged her to get her to respond. In the messages I was apologetic and trying desperately to get her to see how sorry I was and how much I cared about her and that I messed up and realized I did. I finally tracked her down and she freaked on me really bad. Said things like do not call me any more and I don't love you and you can move back here but you can't come back to me and that you need to move on and you're exactly where you're supposed to be. She said when I left I caused irreparable damage to her and the kids and when I left I took a piece of her soul. No matter how much I told her I loved her and wanted to make it right she just had too much anger for me to break through.
Ladies I realize I screwed up really badly and I'm aching over it like nothing ever before, including divorce from my ex. My question is am I totally done in this situation? I sent her some flowers the other week - a simple arrangement and nothing pushy like roses - that said I'm sorry I hurt you and hopefully this will put a smile on your face and that I still wanted to keep our friendship safe. She did send an email thanking me and saying they're lovely and that she's glad I want to be friends and that someday she hopes that can be. Someday? Why can't we work at being friends now?
Trust me this is the worst Thanksgiving ever. I was supposed to fly up and be with her and her kids and now I can't because she cancelled it.
I didn't come here expecting sympathy and this will be my only post but I guess I'm seeking insight as far as can I win back her heart and how long will it take and what do I need to do? I haven't been calling or texting any more although today I left a Happy Thanksgiving message for her and the kids. Guess I broke down.
I'm just as sad and depressed as a lot of people are in these posts. Trouble eating, anxiety, the whole nine. I really miss this girl and we had the deepest connection ever and it was mutual. She told me she loved me like she's never loved anybody before so maybe that's a good thing? What do I need to do here? Continue backing off and give her time and space? I worry that'll put me way out of her mind and then it'll be too far gone at that point.
I guess I shouldn't even expect any replies to this post because maybe I'm being looked at like some kind of an intruder and I don't mean to be. I'm just really hurting and was impressed with the level of support on this sight.
Thanks for reading this far at least.
Take care all and prayers to all of you for peace and healing.
mg

You sound like a really nice person, and I wish you luck. I think you may have underestimated how hurt she was that you left, which is an error lots of people make. My guess is that either she found someone else on the rebound already, or she's just put up a wall against you because she's been hurt so many times in the past she just can't open up right now. I think you should take a "wait and see" approach to her. You've communicated your interest in resuming the relationship. She's heard you, and she has said no. Therefore, any more contact from you will be feel like stalking. If I were you, I would write her a short message letting her know you will respect her privacy by not hounding her, but that you'll be open to hearing from her whenver/ifever she wants to contact you. Then don't contact her at all for several weeks.
Hope this is helpful.
Alice
hi there, i don't think you're an intruder here...it's for anyone suffering from a broken heart not just women, so welcome. anyways, i don't think you're in the wrong. from your post you wrote that she was supportive about you leaving until the day of..just because she had a change of heart last minute does not mean you have to drop everything for her. it's not like you just left her high and dry. you discussed it with her, she was supportive at first, and you even told her that if it was too difficult, you'd come back. you said that you told her that you were going to come back but because you made an expensive move, you couldn't come back right away...that is more than what a lot of people would do. she should have been more understanding. you did not screw up. plus, i don't think anyone should have to give up their dreams (ok, you moving prob. was not a dream, but something you wanted to do for years)for anyone. relationships are about comprising, give and take, but i don't think you should ever have to comprimise yourself to please someone else.
i think you should leave it alone for now. she obviously is not ready to hear anything you have to say, and still has a lot of anger and resentment. the more you push right now, the more she'll push you away, and like the other poster said, you'll start looking like a stalker. i think that she might have even found someone new. a lot of times it's easy for us to be "strong" and walk away more easily when we have someone else to fall back on, and because it happened suddenly with her, it sounds like there could be someone else.
i wish you all the best.
Hey thanks for that supportive reply and for welcoming me. I really appreciate that.
I can't tell you how much it helps to be here and read what others are sharing from their own breakups. It's a very supportive environment and it is helping.
This thing is really killing me I have to tell you. Every morning my eyes open at around 6 am and my brain starts churning with anxiety about how much I miss her and how I never meant to lose this relationship. I just want for the pain to be done with and there's no easy way. What hurts the most is that she won't talk to me and has completely cut me out as if I never existed. Very hard thing to deal with personally.
This may be me in denial, but if I know her, she doesn't have anybody new. She's very busy with 3 kids and that's always her focus and she was single for 2 years before I came along. Not to say it's not possible just not likely with her.
I'm beside myself with grief and I wonder if I'll ever love again. To me she was so beautiful and we shared so many wonderful, meaningful, precious moments together. Of course it wasn't perfect because when you have 3 kids plus I bring 1 and her ex-husband is always hurting all of them it can cause a lot of stress.
But there are parts of me that wrestle with tremendous guilt that I hurt a great girl who I would give anything to start over with and have back in my life but I just didn't expect her to fall apart the way she did. Now it's like she hates me and that just kills. I thought she would at least try this distance thing and if it was too much we'd change things but what happened was me leaving said to her that she wasn't good enough to keep me there and that was all of it but it was never true.
I love this girl but I know I have to move forward. I really miss the kids and they're not calling or responding to any cards I've sent them and that's a double hurt. I'm guessing she's keeping me from them and them from me. I was really tight with them.
This is a lonely place, feeling like you lost the best thing you would ever find in this world. I came into the relationship very relaxed, never talked about the soulmate stuff that was all her thing. Now I feel as though I've lost my one and only true soulmate and before I never believed in that stuff. I hope this isn't true. I hope there are other women in the world I may get a chance to connect with on this same level who I will find just as beautiful if not more beautiful than her.
I need to hear from people that she's not the only one for me and that I'll be okay and maybe how to start moving forward. That's why I'm here.
And thanks for welcoming me here and not running me off just because I'm a guy.
And thanks for your reply.
Take care.
mg
i feel your pain, we all probably do. although all our situations on this board differ in many ways, but the bottom line is, we are all hurting, and many of us longing to be with someone who was once a huge part of our lives and someone we have and still love very much. unfortunately there's no quick way to get rid of all the pain and sorrow we feel.
for your own mental sanity and healing, i hope that one day you will see that you really are not to blame..maybe no one is to blame. but you really weren't the "bad" guy in this situation, and i'm not just saying that to be nice or to try to ease your pain.
take care.
You are always welcome here.....in fact it might be good for us here to have a guys opinion on what we are going through. Feel free to post here as much as you want. I like to post here because non of my friends have ever had anything close to what happened to me happen to them. I feel that here people are understanding. Sometimes they may say things that you don't agree with, but they will always give you something to think about.
Now that I got that out of the way, I know it's easy to blame yourself. Someone you love is upset because you moved. BUT, they gave you no indication that they were upset. I had something similar happen to me. My ex and I were having problems, but I had a weekend trip planned with a male friend of mine. This friend flys for buisness and had a large amount of free tickets. My friend knew the problems with my ex and planning the wedding was stressing me out and wanted to give me a break. My ex said he was fine with it till the day I was supposed to leave and then freaked out about it. I still sometimes think(and tell my ex) that I just shouldn't have gone to LA. My ex is a wonderful person who would always stop me and say "what, were you just not supposed to have a life?". So, I will ask you the same question....what, were you just not supposed to have a life? If she had a problem with things, she should have made it clear.
I'm sorry there is no easy fix for this. We can tell you not to be upset, that's it's not your fault all we want.
Once again I appreciate you and the people in this community taking the time to reply. It really continues to help.
I have a story I'd like to share.......
I just got back from Thanksgiving at my sister's which is about 2 hours away from where I live. I was really dreading the whole thing because the original plan a few weeks ago before things got bad with my ex was to fly up north to spend the holiday with her family. Not that I don't love my own family I was just so heartbroken that those original plans went up in flames with everything that happened with my ex getting angry and cutting me off. Needless to say, as much as I tried to put on a happy face I fell into a downer and I know my family could see it on my face. I really tried to stay up but all I could think about was my ex and I was hurting very badly.
A friend of my sister's who is a very attractive woman wanted to connect with me and be supportive but right now there are no women on the planet who look attractive or interesting to me because of my deep feelings for my ex. If I were to say something like that to some of my male friends they would laugh at me and probably want to slap me silly.
As I started back home on the 2 hour drive I felt really alone so I talked to my brother who has been helping me a lot with all this on the cell phone for at least the first hour of the drive. After I got done with him.......I held the phone to my chin and pondered for a minute.........then thought long and hard about calling her........should I do it?......I know I probably shouldn't......I prayed for insight thinking it's going to end up being positive or it's going to go horribly bad and just make her more angry and push her further away and I'm just going to fall even more to pieces than I already have. Very scary prospect.
I decided to go ahead and do it......my heart was racing and I was nervous as hell, bordering on terrified. She picked up and I said hey and she returned a nice hey and how are you doing. I felt the tightness in my chest immediately begin to let up some. I straight away very quickly went to "I'm not going to stay on long I just was on my way back from my sister's and was thinking about you and wanted to say hey". She was very open and conversational and said "great how was your Thanksgiving?" and from there it was a really pleasant 10-15 minute conversation where we got totally caught up on things. She even said she sent me some cookies I asked for in a letter I wrote her a week or so ago. Tonight my whole world looks a lot brighter, ONLY from the standpoint of now I don't feel like this horrible guy who devastated somebody I truly loved who I now might be able to be friends with.
I know I probably won't ever get her back in the future and that it's dangerous to hang on to hope but this conversation tonight at least gave me an important measure of closure when you consider how angry at me she was in that final conversation. I know I went against the wisdom that advocates NC and took a HUGE chance but at least I can sleep a little better now knowing this person doesn't detest me like I've been setting with for the past two weeks. I would think if she really hated me she would have heard my voice on the other end of the phone and may have come back with "why are you calling me I told you never to call me" and then she would have hung up. That's really what I was expecting. Glad as hell it didn't happen.
Believe me when I tell you I'm not going to read anything into this. That's asking for it. I'm only going to continue to extend the hand of friendship with occasional cards and letters and I'll send her flowers on her birthday coming up in Dec. I'm also going to send her and the kids gifts at Xmas of course. I was going to do that anyway.
I'd be interested to hear what anybody has to say or thinks about this so please reply with any insight or opinion.
Like I said I'm just glad I don't have to carry around thinking this person hates me and equally glad I might have my friend back.
If anything happens beyond that in the future, it'll take a total act of God and I know this.
Take care all and thanks for reading and thanks for welcoming my participation on this board.