desperately need advice!
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| Wed, 11-23-2005 - 7:00pm |
I don’t even know how to start this.. I’m new to iVillage and I hope you can help..
I’m in this weird situation that I don’t know how to get out from.
I have a boyfriend since almost five months back. Our relationship has really been up and down from the beginning. One week everything is great, the next I can’t stand him and we annoy each other. But then it’s great again, and I see no reason for not beeing with him. But then again he can say really stupid things that makes me wonder why I spend time with him at all.
It’s so easy to forget the bad when it’s good... sometimes we don’t have anything to talk about. And sometimes we do. It changes from time to time and it’s really hard.
But he has never hit me or anything like that or called me names or so, when he says stupid things it’s more like he complains about things in my apartment for example or make fun of other people or critizices things.
Many times with him I’ve been on the verge of crying but just as many times and more I have been laughing. Sometimes I wake up beside him and realize I’m not in love with him and sometimes it’s different.
The whole time we’ve been together there has been another guy involved. I knew him from before I met my bf. He’s in my life and during this time he’s had a gf he broke up with and now they got back together again. We have been interested in each other for a long time but we have never been single at the same time. When he told me that he and his gf were getting back together I became so shocked and actually started crying. I couldn’t stop myself. Then I was so down for many days and couldn’t think of anything but him, I planned on breaking up with my boyfriend just to get the smallest chance to be with this other guy.
But then this guy realized he probably shouldn’t be with his gf and suddenly my down-feelings were gone. Do I only want him when I can’t have him?
I do care a lot for this guy, we have so much in common, we have always things to talk about and have fun togehter. I have felt more of a psychological connection with him but have wondered where the physical connection is. Of course I can’t try and see if there is any. But I have imagined a future with him..
But to my point. These two guys affect how I act around them. If it was always good with my bf and I was truly truly in love I wouldn’t let this other guy affect me, but maybe he also affect me so that I can never see if it could be really good with my bf.
And when it’s bad with my bf I think of the other guy and my bf of course affects me so that I can’t find out if there really could be anything with this other guy.
I have got so used to my bf, I know he’s there even though it’s not always so much fun to be with him. But sometimes it is. My friends think I should break up with him because they have mostly heard about the bad parts. There ARE a lot of things that annoys me about him, and we definitely haven’t had those first months of wanting, you know when you want to be with that person 24/7. I have felt that I can’t spend a whole life with a kind of loneliness in the relationship.
I know this sounds selfish but I never wanted this. I’m not afraid of being alone. What I’m afraid of is giving up a great guy – make the wrong decision – and be miserable.
It’s easiest giving up the guy who’s not my bf, just because he isn’t my bf. But at the same time I’m afraid I’m missing out on a wonderful guy then.
At the same time, if I give up my bf because of the other guy and it doesn’t work out, then I will regret that and forever think about if he maybe was the one for me. Even though our relationship goes up and down.
Please give me some advice.... I seriously don’t know what to do.... I can’t keep it going like this. The guy who is not my bf think I should make up my mind whether I’m in love with my bf or not, but how easy is that when it goes up and down from week to week?
Thanks a lot!

Carrie
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I hope you can work through all of this.
I guess a couple of things jumped out at me from your post:
1) You stated your boyfriend doesn't hit you or anything like that. He just makes you cry. That reminds me of a saying my young children used to chant "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will really hurt me". There is nothing more detrimental to a woman's emotional balance than to repeatedly receive cruel comments from someone she's opened herself up to. I believe it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship is the woman is repeatedly hurt, physically or emotionally, by her boyfriend or husband.
2) You express strong interest in your male friend but you've never dated him because the two of you have never been single at the same time. This sentiment confuses me. How long are you between boyfriends, (or for that matter - how long is he between girlfriends). I'm aware that some people jump from one relationship to another because they dread being alone. If this is your situation, my opinion is for you to re-evaluate that aspect of your personality. Everyone spends portions of life alone. Learning to be happy in your own company is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Not only does it make you responsible for your own life and joy, it makes you a better partner once you are coupled up.
These are only my opinions based on a few paragraphs you posted. Obviously, I cannot be sure if I am providing you with some valuable insight or maybe I'm way off base here. Add it into the mix and let us know what you decide.
Good luck to you!
hi there,
i think the fact that you're already going through the up and down, back and forth kind of relationship so early on in the relationship is a bad sign(not that any back and forth relationship is good though). i think you know deep down inside that you shouldn't/don't want to be with your bf, but are afraid to make that decision because of all the what if's and maybe's and possibly regrets that may come with being the one who does the breaking up. and that's quite understandable..because that might be true, you probably will have those feelings and thoughts ( i know i have and still do..i broke up with my ex of 4 years). but at the same time, that is not a reason to stay in a relationship when you know deep down inside that that person is not right for you, nothing good can come out of that in the long run. i don't think you should pursue the other guy just yet either. i will almost guarantee that if you leave your bf soley for this other guy, and things don't work out with him you will definately have regrets and that is not fun. i've been through that too. i left my ex for someone else, and that ended up being a very toxic relationship, and all the doubts and regrets came crashing down, and that was one of the hardest/painful and most difficult times in my life. if you do end up leaving your bf(which i think you should, but only you can decide that for yourself), you should do it because you know for whatever reason deep down inside that he's not right for, not because there someone else to fall back on. if you do leave your bf, before you pursue anything with the other guy or anyone else, you really should take time for your "self" and work through whatever issues you may have from the break up and heal yourself before you move on to anyone else.
just my 2 cents, hope i helped a little.