Hurting need answers!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Hurting need answers!!
8
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 12:43am
Hi I'm new here but I need someone to talk to. To make a long story short, my husband said he didn't to be with me anymore and I moved out of my apartment and in with family two hours away. We had been together for 6 years and just got married last year. He said that I had changed after we got married and he knew we shouldn't have done it. All this came as a surprise to me because the week before this happened we were looking to buy a house!! I had no warning of this, I had no idea he felt this way, or was even aware that I was doing the awful things he said I was doing. So I moved out the Monday before Thanksgiving. Before I left he acted so cold to me like he was glad to get rid of me. Glad to be single again and ran off with his buddy. This buddy (best friend really) has lived with us the last 4 of the 6 years we're together. I didn't mind for a long time, but suddenly his problems became our problems. We're bailing him outta jail and lending money for fines, etc. They got sickening and I made it known. They also worked at the same place so they usually kept the same hours. So if my husband was home, so was the roommate. After awhile that got hard for me if we're having a fight or being intimate. He's (the friend) always in the next room, listening. He don't have a life, girlfriend, nothing. His job, a small son, and the sons' mother who wants nothing to do with him (but he keeps trying) his own mother and us. Having said that I guess I feel cheated but now it seems like I couldn't get the best of my husband because he didn't want to look bad to his friend. I knew he (the friend) was in a bad way and he needed our help and we did that. But after we got married, the friend decided he's not moving out until my husband and I started having kids. Shortly after that, my husband decided he didn't want kids, ever. One day I brought up the notion of "when we don't have a roommate anymore" kind of thing, he (my husband) kind of freaked. He said he always wanted a roommate that he didn't mind. I'm sure that was easy for him considering they been friends a long time. So he didn't mind talking about our problems in front of the friend. I did. He didn't need to know everything. I told him that I thought some things were just for us but he didn't feel that way. The friend isn't the reason for the split. This is something that I have been dwelling on since we've been apart. I guess I'm wondering if it sounds like I'm just trying to blame the roommate for all thats happened. Or if I have a right to feel this way. So much for a short letter. Anything would help please. I don't know if I can bear this anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 1:29am
Sorry about your pain. Once you were married the friend should have found his own place.
I have heard about people that live together then getting married unable to make it because for so many years they were too casual.
I do not know the answer, i've been broken up with myself. I do know that I was in a long relationship that I left and the reason the relationship was so long is I knew he wasn't the one all along.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sat, 12-03-2005 - 4:57pm

Welcome to the board.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I'm sure you've heard this before, but I think you are better off without this guy. Something is not right about a man who would rather have a roommate than his wife. Something also is not right about a man who feels comfortable living with a married couple and not keeping his distance. That is just my opinion, but I think a lot of people would agree. Really though, think about this... is this how you always dreamed or envisioned your life? Married to a guy who is too attached to his roommate to move out? A man who now that you're married says he never wants to have children?

Everyone here has been through a breakup and it is hard, no doubt. But, you can definitely get through it and come out stronger on the other side. I think that there are a lot of things in life that are just too important to compromise on. One of those is kids. If you want to have kids and your partner doesn't, then I think you need a new partner.

Anyway, I hope you know you can post here whenever you need support. We're all here for you. Hang in there, and you'll get through this. Focus on yourself (hobbies, friends, family, exercise, etc.) and you'll be fine!

I hope to see you posting lots (about how great you're doing, naturally) :)

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 1:02am
Hey gal raven,
I'm curious (please let me know if I'm being too nosey), but did you mean that you stayed for so long because you didn't want to hurt him? I find myself wondering now if that was my case also. I always heard him tell stories that everyone else left him and things on that order, and I guess I didn't want to be one of them. Another one, you know? Now I'm stuck on the notion that I did this too myself. It's my own fault, and I should have seen it coming. But I really hope you're not feeling this way, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thanks for your kind words. I hope you are feeling better also. Please let me know if you'd like to talk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 6:00am

"I guess I'm wondering if it sounds like I'm just trying to blame the roommate for all thats happened."

Well, golly, what a heartbreaker for you. I am so sorry you're going through this. Of course, there is plenty of blame to go around, if blame-casting is what you want, but the main thing is that you now have a chance to have a relationship with man who doesn't want to put a room mate between you, and that's GOOD! As to who is responsible for this mess, you have responsibility for having stayed in the relationship because you didn't want to be "another person who left" your husband, the friend has a substantial amount for having been so insensitive to the needs of his two friends (no, wait--maybe he WAS sensitive to your husband's needs), but your husband has most of it, because he deliberately introduced a third person into your relationship, let the guy stay when the relationship became a marriage, and then chose the friend over his wife. No hero there.

You will heal from this and find someone who will appreciate and cherish you as you deserve. Then, years down the road, you will be able to say, "You think YOU had a strange relationship! Let me tell you about MINE!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 8:22pm
Sounds like your husband has more loyality and committment to his friend then to you, his wife. The friend is not to blame, your husband is.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 12:47pm
I have done alot of soul searching since I've read your post. I know alot of this is my own fault for letting it go on. At the time I didn't but I know that now. I remembered alot a people asking me after I got married if the roommate was moving out, and when I told them no, I got a funny look. I don't like the blame game but it is a favorite of my ex. For a long time, I took the blame for alot of things. I listened to alot of stories get twisted into reasons this happened or didn't happen. I was starting to see that before I left. There was alot a things I didn't want to believe. What I am hoping for now is not to make the same mistakes twice. I was hurting so bad when I wrote that post, but now its getting better. I still have not talked to my ex and I am kind of proud of myself for that. Anyway, thank you for being so blunt with me because thats exactly what I wanted. I haven't gotten that for a long time. Thank you everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 1:43pm
thejaded_1
I was in the relationship and we were great friends, but things changed after a while since we were together so long. There was no passion. We were more like roomates and never had sex so I was always unsure if we should be together or not. Then he did something messed up and lied. I had no more romantic feelings for him, but he did everything for me and even when I said no he kept pushing the relationship.
I realized I wasn't in love with him. The next relationship the guy was burned by his x and I had chemistry immediately with him. So I realized what I was missing from the first. Unfortunately the friendship was missing with the second and he didn't care much about what I felt so he's the one who dumped me.
I never stayed in the first because I was afraid of hurting him. It's your life to choose and live for yourself.
I am unable to get over the second relationship. I thought he was the one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 2:21am

Hey gal-raven,

I can totally relate to your situation. But it seems like I was clueless to my own unhappiness (and his), I didn't realize all the things that were wrong with the relationship until I stepped out of it. I carried the relationship by myself. I made the money, I paid the bills, on top of cooking and cleaning for the two of them. I feel so stupid now because I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. This was my first serious relationship but the second for him. I guess my only excuse is that I didn't know any better. Then he wanted to get married. And after a while, we didn't have a reason to get married, but we just didn't have a reason not to either. (Luckly, we didn't have any kids, just a dog and the roommate and my husband kept them both. I miss my dog very much). Then he was the one who wanted to break it off! That is a mistake I won't make again, besides I said if I ever got married I was only going to do it once. It's gonna have to take a very special person to make me change my mind about it. Anyway, in a upside to your situation, at least your only mourning the second guy instead of the both the first and the second. Since #2 didn't care about how you felt, say adios, cause you don't need him. Be glad you aren't sticking around and being treated bad, and just letting it roll off you because thats no way to live, I know that now, its not love. I know it's hard but you should be glad that is over, be glad for yourself. Maybe you guys just had that one thing (being cheated on)in common as opposed to chemistry. I hope your days and nights are getting better for you. It really sucks doesn't it? To care for someone and want them back after they hurt you so bad. I hate the thought of dating again. But the thought of going back would be much worse. Hang in there, girl, and thanks for your post. Keep in touch.