Please Help Me Go On

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2005
Please Help Me Go On
4
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 8:18am
Please bear with med - I am new to this board. This is very difficult for me to write about and embarrassing. I have not picked one single man in my life that didn't disappoint, abuse, leave, lie or cheat. I have my own role in all of this - I know that. I was coming out of a bad relationship 11 years ago (not my first either). Anyway, my really good friend came to my aid. He and I had been in a business together - we had been friends for years and we both had businesses in the same location. He was getting divorced - so he said!!! And I was getting divorced. Okay, I know not the way to start, but it is what is and it doesn't make it any easier. Anyway, we end up together and I make if very clear that I can't go through anymore hurt or pain. I can't lose another house or business to a man - I can't do it. He agrees. Does all the right things, so I thought. The biggest problem he said was his parents - he was 40 at the time. They refused to have anything to do with me. But, he thought that would change with some time. Didn't happen. His mother was going to kill herself because her son was getting divorced. He told them that he didn't want to get married in the first place, but he was doing it because she was pregnant and he was the good Catholic boy. He also informed them that his wife had an abortion before the wedding - He's adopted - they are Catholic so no way does this get talked about. Anyway, they didn't care - too bad - you made your bed now lie in it. You don't get divorced and if you do we will never, never have anything to do with Nancy. Well, they stuck to it. For 10 years. During that time he moved out on me 3 times and went on vacation with his kids and family. **writing this makes me feel so stupid** I had all my money - over $100,000 into this house and I put the rest of my money into my store. So now I have $150K in the house & store. I have 4 back & neck surgeries and can't do the store - so I close it. What else can I do? Nothing, yet he thinks I should be able to. More problems. And I am still saying I love him - kids hate me, parents hate me and he has 5 brothers and sisters that hate me. Granted none of them know me, but they hate me and won't have anything to do with me. They won't even call our home - because I live there. Six months ago he actually evicted me from my own home - we never got married, because it took him 6 yrs. to get the divorce. Any I admit by this time I am so angry and hurt that I can't do anything right. So how could he do that? He legally could because I had sold the house to him so we could re-finance in order to put in a pool for me. So actually, I paid for the pool. I also paid for half of a time share in Mexico. Oh - I walked away with less than my downpayment on the house - he gave me a car and is now saying it's his and he wants it back. He is still in MY house in MY neighborhood, with MY friends. We lived in a very, very social neighborhood & the center of social activities was my house. So all my friends live there, my kids friends and HIM. So I have it in my face all of the time. And to top it off his family comes over now - they are in my house, in my pool, by my friends. I can't even begin to tell you how this feels. There are no words. And yet I feel like the loser, the one that did something wrong. How can he not have integrated me into his family. How could he let his kids come to our house on Xmas morning and then leave for his families without me?? And it happened all holidays, birthdays, once a month for a family thing. I didn't go to a single wedding, funeral. I didn't go to his daughters graduation - yet I was good enough for sex, money or whatever.
So, how can this hurt so much?? I can't sleep, eat or get on. I don't know where to go or how to do it anymore. I ended up with no pension, no medical, no dental, no car. The agreement was to sell the house - split it and move on if something happened. The house is now worth over $600k and we paid $240k. He makes over $300k. Yes, he had office expense, child support blah, blah, blah. I have nothing. How does someone do this? If we had been married I would at least have ended up with enough to start over. I have 7 of my discs fused & need two more done. Believe me - job market doesn't really want me. Plus I have owned my own businesses for the past 20 years. I have never had a resume.
I need sleep - I need help. Please give some feedback - ask questions - I don't care. I just want to stop hurting - I want to go forward and yet I don't know which way to turn. I just want to stay in bed.
thanks for listening and if you are reading this then I guess I actually hit the send button and didn't chicken out.
Nancy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 11:10am

That sounds horrible and he sounds like a scam artist. I've had people try to pull one on me, but I had a contract. Something to work with. do you have anything? You may still be able to sue him and put a lien on the house. You did live together for 10 years? That's legally married isn't it?
I would seek legal counsel and if you can't afford it some attorneys will do it on consignment , but they take 30%. I think you can put a lien on the house so he can't sell it until things are settled.
Emails can be used for proof if you have anything in writing.

Hope you feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 1:42pm
How difficult this must be for you. I can understand how you feel completely as I find myself in a very similar situation and like you, not for the first time. I wish I could offer some sound advice but all I can say is that you are not alone. I am taking one step at a time and trying not to let myself get overwhelmed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 7:25pm

Have you considered counseling? It would be a safe place to vent, let go of some of the stress, make a game plan. Also I agree with the suggestion to see an attorney and find out what your rights are as lots of state have 'common law marriage' still on the books.

With your past, well, neither here nor there, but those issues could have been addressed before you got in too deep with this guy, especially addressing the age old question of 'when to let go.' I feel for you. Your emotional stress has manifested in physical problems. I hope you take the time to address them.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 5:23pm
Hey! Please be gentle on yourself. We have to go where we go and do what we do in life. You are not alone. I am going through a painful breakup and the hurt is so deep that I think I can die from it. Please take care of you. First, get some sleep. Things look worse when you are exhausted. Take care of you now, do any little thing that will make you feel better. This relationship does not define who you are or who you can be. Pray, and I will pray for you...Donna
Faith